so close to heaven

makes us stronger

2011-05-09T14:52:00.004-05:00

we have made it...through one year. a year i couldn't have conjured in my darkest dreams. a year plagued by an unbalanced, jealous person determined to take away our light. guess what?

you didn't even come close.

our love is the stuff rainbows and dreams are made of. not for one single second did i ever feel abandoned, unsupported, unable, or afraid that our family couldn't weather this storm. and sailing through it in our first year together only strengthened the affirmation that quietly sings in my heart, every moment. this is our forever. our happily ever after. we will live every moment of the rest of our lives in beautiful unison, knowing that even the worst of times will do nothing except make us love each other more....and create an awareness of one another's needs and our own areas of weakness, allowing us to work together and grow stronger for one another. i cannot wait for every bit of the rest of our lives, including the hour from now when we will make dinner and celebrate our togetherness just because we can.

having highly respected experts point out to me that "she has a mental illness," and open my eyes to the fact that i allowed a narcissistic sociopath into our lives created a place that hadn't existed in me before... a place where i wasn't angry at her for trying to tear our lives apart. i was sorry for her that she will never escape the hell she has created within her own self. pity replaced anger, and will always remain. with it comes countless opportunities to teach our daughter right from wrong, because she has a living example of how not to treat other human beings.

we are blessed beyond measure. our little a will turn 5 years old in 9 days. gone are the days when i could call her a baby, a toddler, a preschooler. she will be a child, a kid, then an adolescent, a pre-teen, a teenager, a highschooler, and an adult. but today she is still fantastically four. and we will drink that in until those sweet little eyes have an extra twinkle of wisdom in them and she takes her first big girl steps into fivehood.

thank you, god, for the beautiful life you have created within us. thank you for the love in our hearts for each other, and our child(ren). thank you for giving us the gratitude to appreciate our blessings and seek to share that happiness with others. thank you for leading us to this beautiful, timeless love and the amazing people who share in our joy. thank you for saving the best for last.

resolve in my heart

2010-06-01T09:37:00.005-05:00

if i could make words echo from a computer monitor, i would force these to resound over and over: my soulmate found me. my life mate, my love, my best friend, my everything. my all. through lifetimes passed, and years without: she found me.

words have forsaken me, in my desperation to express the magnitude of these emotions. to her, or myself, or anyone else. she is everything my daughter and i never dreamed we would have in a family. and we are a family. in every sense of the word, through every cell in my body: the three of us have found our home in one another.

i am so moved by her thoughtfulness; her genuine concern for my well-being and for my child's sense of security. even my music isn't big enough to hold this.

knowing and loving her is life affirming, mind altering, and purposeful. weeks pass in the blink of an eye, while i am drinking in each passing minute with her and little a. my daughter has told me repeatedly how much she loves her, and that she is her best friend. i adore the way that she communicates with ashley. so thoughtfully, with such concern. she actually listens to what ashley has to say, and thinks about her response before speaking. she holds her hand when she speaks seriously to her, and gets down to her eye level. it melts my heart, while cradling hers.

this weekend she offered to bathe ash so i could finish ironing our clothes and preparing for my best friend's wedding. 15 minutes later, they both emerged from the bathroom, ash in a towel and christy with soaked clothes. when i raised my eyebrows she responded, "she wanted me to get in with her. she was scared." and i fought back tears, because it made sense to her. she didn't think twice. and in that one act, she undid the past 2 years of hurtful, neglectful actions. like it never happened, we are now a family of 3. a loving, supportive family who treasure every minute together.

i couldn't have imagined how good this would feel. she is everything beautiful in my world, and i am so moved to begin our life together. here, we start over, and build the lives we've always wanted, full of love and happiness. right now.

regret

2010-04-15T14:25:00.005-05:00

i just read all the comments on my last entry before "peacing out," years ago. and i'm sure as they were forwarded to my email account when they were originally left, i read them and stepped away from the computer and carried on. now, looking at them all collectively makes me sad. blogging filled a huge void for me in my early 20s when i needed to write. i still need to write, of course, but just have less time to do it.

when i began this blog, i didn't consider how often i'd write. i just made an account, and when i had something to say, i said it. it was that simple. but in the simplicity, i became enveloped in the arms of a loving blogging community. just seeing the usernames in the comments below brought back memories of each person's journey...the way we let one another in, to share in our ups and downs. and the thing that was so warm and familial about it all was how dedicated we were to each other. how we, as a group, supported others when they fell, and were genuinely happy for one another's triumphs.

not long before i was to graduate from college, i came across an unexpected love. she was a blogger, too. here is where we connected, across 3,000 miles. and i took you all on that ride with me. you, my stranger friends, became our cheerleaders and championed our efforts to make the distance work until we could work out a long term plan. and when it fell apart, i didn't know how to fix it. i couldn't repair it for myself, or for her, or for you. so i left. without explanation. and i wish that i hadn't, because none of you quit on me.

many of you have deleted your blogs. you may have new homes that i don't know about, as i am the deserter. others of you have kept in touch in other, more distant ways, and i appreciate knowing you're still there.

i have frequently hoped to publish this blog, as it was the documentation of my life...my play by play. that is exactly why i never deleted it, even after years of not returning. maybe i will still do that someday. in the meantime, i will continue to write here, not because of what i hope to find in attention from others, but because of the wonder and mystery of releasing your feelings outside of your own body... the magic journey that writing is for most who truly appreciate it.

her life is a gift. and so is mine.

2010-02-19T16:51:00.003-05:00

when my ex moved out 4 months ago, i was terrified by the notion of becoming a single parent. i didn't know if i could support myself and my child financially and emotionally. i was, as many women post-divorce are, wounded. but i was a mother whose child has astronomical needs. i pulled it together, without much thought and plowed forward. god provided for us, and i continued to work hard in my job. i didn't tell my boss or coworkers that i had been through the dissolution of a 3 year relationship, gone from a 2-income household to just mine, and become a single parent. i didn't take any time off, and i didn't look for sympathy or any slack at work due to the circumstances. i cried in my office, and made necessary phone calls and adjustments ...reached out to friends and family for support while i figured out how to navigate this new life. in the process, i found strength i never knew i had. and i found joy where it had been all along.

immediately, i cancelled our cable (among many other money-saving attempts). this is the first time in my entire life i've been without TV. and it was the best decision. although i didn't regularly watch sit down to watch shows before, it was always on. a distraction, running in the background. taking my attention away from the things that matter. we've now been 4 months with no TV in the house. yesterday ashley and i had to stay at the hospital for 6 hours due to complications with her port. while waiting for 2 hrs while an anticoagulant was left to infuse in her port, we cuddled up on a stretcher and the nurse turned on the TV. wife swap came on and at first, i was excited to watch anything...and i also used to enjoy this show, so i was content to watch. but one commercial into it, i picked up the remote and turned it off. i listened to my daughter's slow breathing (she fell asleep spooned up against me) and smoothed her hair back and thought about how lucky i am. i do not, for one second, regret cancelling the cable. it has reminded me to focus my energy where it matters: on my family.

i have begun cooking, which is new for me. i won't say it's anything to jump up and down about at this point, but it's a start. my daughter has begun gaining weight, which is something we've been struggling with for over a year. she is still getting supplemental g-tube feedings (the same as previously), and for a long time i thought, "i'll order her chili cheese dogs and blizzards and fatten her up." and i couldn't figure out why she wasn't gaining weight. calories don't equal weight. sugar doesn't equal weight. and neither alone are good for her. i have become a parent who cares about what goes into her child's body and i like that.

i have considered the likelihood of losing my home, in the past 6 months. i researched, and phoned, and spoke with friends, colleagues, associates...i attended a naca workshop dedicated to advocating for restructuring people's mortgages so that they could afford to keep their homes. you are supposed to be eligible if your mortgage is at least 30% of your net income. mine was 47%. so i showed up, willing to ask for and ready to accept help. they tried. after 40 days of negotiation, it was denied based on the fact that i was still current on my payments. i'll be the first to say, i have immaculate credit. i am anal about paying on time. i have never bounced a check in my life, and never will. but if it came down to whether to provide for my child or pay my mortgage, my child will come first. always.

new expenses have come up, as they always will. i prided myself on my ability to manage my finances pre-single parenthood. today i could probably burst with pride for myself. i have managed to not only keep our home and maintain our utilities, but also save $3,000 in ashley's savings account and begin a savings account of my own, in addition to investing some money privately. and i also finally began contributing to my 403(b), right before all this happened. those are big steps for me in adulthood, and i am not ashamed to say: i am proud.

when it comes to changes in the past 6 months, what i am most pleased with is this: i do not take my daughter for granted. i don't allow anxiety to overshadow the joy that is motherhood for me. i said this to ashley the other day, and i will say it here, because it is true: i wanted a daughter my whole life, as long as i can remember. and then she came along and we were a perfect fit, the two of us. i jumped in with eyes closed and am amazed each day that i can love her more than the last. she is everything in my world. my greatest gift.

things aren't perfect. i don't think they ever could be, but what was wrong in my life has been righted. the attention and focus in our lives is where it should be: on enjoying each other and experiencing the great things that life has to offer. even if it's as simple as tomorrow's mommy-n-me gymnastics class. it might be a 45 minute pain in the ass to another parent, but to me: it's a class ashley might never have been able to enjoy, if not for dialysis and her kidney transplant and all the blessings that came afterward. her renal rickets was so bad, her doctors told me they didn't know if she would ever walk. so tomorrow, when she jumps on the trampoline and walks across the beam and stands on the spring board with her arms above her head...i will grin from ear to ear and know what a gift this is. every minute, every day, every moment.

my wish list

2010-01-29T14:08:00.007-05:00

dear god/santa/someone listening:

i am blessed beyond compare. i have the most wonderful daughter ever made. i have my health. i have a job that provides what i need to sustain myself and my daughter. i have magnificently capable coworkers who provide care for my child she might not receive elsewhere. i have every morning with my miracle thanks to the selfless decision to donate organs made by a family who lost their own child. make no mistake: i have gratitude for miles.

i do have a wishlist, though: a life i envision for myself, and for my munchkin. it includes:

a house with wide open spaces, and lots and lots of natural light

a clothesline in the backyard
a sibling for ashley, to grow with, and play with, and fight with, and love
a cast iron bathtub, in a bathroom with a large window
time to enjoy these things with my family
time to photograph all the moments we share in our space to grow, love, and be.

i am still unsure how we will get from point A to point B, with the many lowercase letter additives in between that may pose problems (like the housing market, and a person to share these things with). but it won't ever come to fruition if i don't make it a goal.

the one thing i know for sure is: i love my daughter with all of my being; and i will savor every last moment with her, wherever we are. and when we find our way to a life that allows the time and gentle pace that we need in order to flourish, it will be even sweeter because we will have made our own way there.

gush

2009-11-18T15:46:00.001-05:00

Isn't this the most lovely sight in all the world?

just like a woman

2009-11-12T10:09:00.003-05:00

ready to blog again...here, i drifted. i must have ignored that clause in the single mom agreement that said you will never have any time to yourself, EVER again. so here i am. our house is ours - mine and ashley's, and it fills me right up. even the things you often let get under your skin about the everyday grind of motherhood feel good, when i'm at work and reflecting on the last week. last night ashley asked me if i wanted to watch "the facts of life" (a new nightly tradition). then she added, "i like it!" and i yelled "i LOVE it..." to which she looked up at me, grinned and said "gimme a hug. i so proud ah you." it made me smile from ear to ear, then laugh. i have been saying those words to her more frequently. and i forgot how good it feels to hear it. even when they are coming out of your 3 yr old's mouth and you know she doesn't fully understand them. they are still words that make you get tingly. words can be weapons. or they can cushion falls. insulate hearts. boost you back up into the sunlight. we need to be reminded.

the perpetual transition of the last 4 months has been exhausting. i am tired all the time. i am sleeping like a baby, yet i am still tired. i have gone from 151 lbs to 123 lbs with not one OUNCE of effort. not that i'm complaining about that part...it's actually nice, sans the need to buy new clothes. life is just changing. not only for me, for everyone around me. and while i want my daughter to be highly adaptable and embrace changes, i also want to provide stability for her. things she knows she can count on, no matter where we live, or who may be in our lives. traditions, if you will. our traditions. and we are starting them now. the holidays are around the corner, and before you know it, it will be spring and then summer again! i am accepting any and all suggestions for not getting lost in the madness and letting time fly by. i think it will start with a lot of organization on our end....

time

2009-10-06T14:01:00.004-05:00

it has been 3 years, 2 months, and 6 days since i've blogged here. all my followers are gone. some tried to keep in touch through other means of social networking and emailing. i went through times in the past 3 years where i didn't want to be found. 4 days ago i decided, with gusto, that it was time for me to return home, in regards to my writing. this was my first toe-dip into the world of blogging, after a long period of not writing. it only seems right to start here, again.

so much has happened. too much, in fact. but on we go.

i am single again. and i do have a sort of giddy happiness about the freedom and possibility before me. i had this in 2005. i'm in love with being in love, and being single means that falling in love again is on my horizon, and it makes me smile. so much to look forward to. however, this time i am a single mom. that three-letter word changes everything, and not much all at once. isn't that strange? i could not be more enamored of my daughter. she is everything i want to be, and only at 3 years of age. carefree and loving life, and full of empathy and concern for others. she is beautiful, courageous, and unabashed about most things.

she has another parent, yes. another mother with whom i attempted to build a family. and i hope this person will remain in my daughter's life and be the parent she (quite literally) signed up to be. but regardless of what this person does or does not do in the end: falling in love again is in my future and my daughter's. i am so hopeful about the possibilities that are new: someone to share our daily life with in joy and peace, someone with whom to create memories and traditions around holidays, and someone to share the hard times with, because my daughter's health is precarious. most will say this is not the time to be on the prowl, and i promise: i'm not. i'm not even actively looking.

but i will say this: after 3 years of not being fulfilled...of never feeling valued, respected, or cherished....my heart leaps at the thought of all the things that are now simply possible because i finally made the decision to demand more for myself and my child. i just can't stand the excitement and anticipation. it could very well be 5 years down the road. or 5 days, for all we know. but the very fact that i am able to be valued and respected, because i finally realized i deserve it: well, it is like a candle flame deep in my soul. flickering, but never going out...getting brighter, in fact, each day that i continue moving forward in the life that i want to lead and provide for my child. i am so at peace and so lighthearted, and god, it feels so good.

break

2006-07-10T20:30:00.000-05:00

from blogging.

yeah. what. holla. peace out.

come down to me

2006-06-30T01:04:00.000-05:00

music can melt hearts.
mine is an iridescent puddle
with footprints that ripple
inward and disappear.

my mind is no longer
working concretely.
i see strictly in colors
of emotions.

the storm is inside
danger.alarm.get out.
can't get away from myself.

words are worthless.
even if they came
to my aid,
who would hear them?
and if you heard them,
what difference
would it make?

control has forsaken me.
the blues wane inside my chest
while greens ebb.

outside, the incessant drone
of the daily routine
still marches on.
mine and yours.

peace, please find me.
my arms are tired.
my body is too small
to hold so much inside.

everything

2006-06-27T17:52:00.000-05:00

find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you

you are the light
that's leading me
to the place where
i find peace again.

you are the strength,
that keeps me walking.
you are the hope,
that keeps me trusting.
you are the light to my soul.
you are my purpose...
you're everything.

how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this?

you calm the storms,
and you give me rest.
you hold me in your hands,
you won't let me fall.
you steal my heart,
and you take my breath away.

would you take me in?
take me deeper now
how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this?

cause you're all I want
all I need
everything
you're everything

P.R.I.D.E.

2006-06-24T20:53:00.000-05:00

is it gay in here or is it just me?

2006-06-23T01:01:00.000-05:00

tonight i emailed my grandparents (yes, they have dsl and are all over the internet), and told them that i was gay and that i'm moving to canada. i know, i know, email is impersonal blah blah blah, but we don't see one another very often. i haven't told them before now because my parents asked me not to. now with the move approaching, i had to risk it. i'd rather them disapprove of my very soul than be proud of an elaborate lie.

with that little bomb sent out into cyberspace, i am preparing mentally (because i'm at work and that's all i can do) for pride, which begins in less than 24 hours. my kickass friends have come from all over to celebrate all that is bendy while being drunk out of our trees. say it with me, folks: yesssssssss. you straights get 362 days a year to celebrate your straightness. we get this weekend. i am fucking psyched.

side note to amanda: don't be afraid of the lezzies. we won't bite unless you ask us to.

12 days until chris is here. balance. wax on. wax off.

live. love. be.

probably wouldn't if i could

2006-06-21T02:37:00.000-05:00

it has been an interesting year. each minute, a lesson. me. searching. i'm still not sure exactly what for. my hair is gone. it felt cumbersome. it had to go, so i could find out what was underneath. hair is security for many women. now i don't have it. forced to be secure with myself. still shaky, i must admit. but a lesson to be learned, all the same.

i have done that for years: forced myself to do things i am afraid of. not all the time. just often enough to make me still feel real. alive. the verdict is in. i'm still here. still me.

can anyone tell me who that is?

we love you, mama hilda

2006-06-17T16:44:00.000-05:00

**this is the eulogy that we grandchildren and great-granchildren created while rocking on the front porch of the funeral home the other night, with loosened ties and bare feet. and my aunt pam put all our memories together and read this at the funeral.**

Where Grandmother Is

Heaven probably looks a lot like Midway to Grandmother. She spent her entire life on one dirt road and wouldn’t have had it any other way. She loved this community and every grain of sand and blade of grass that makes it up. Where Grandmother is, however, no chinaberry tree would DARE to drop a chinaberry on the ground, and a magnolia would NEVER shed its leaves. Chinaberries and magnolia leaves were Grandmother’s sworn enemies and she would attack them with vigor. She’s been known to rake the yard for HOURS, due to those chinaberries and magnolia leaves. The next morning, the trees would have again deposited their gifts on the ground, and Grandmother would wage battle again.

Where Grandmother is, there is ALWAYS enough food to feed a crowd. At every gathering, whether it be at her house or the church, the tables would fairly groan under the weight of all the food---and Grandmother could be counted on to say, “I hope we have enough.” She always worried that the appetites would outdo the amount of food, but of course there was always enough and, in fact, too much.

Food was central to Grandmother’s life. If you ask anyone about Grandmother, they will probably comment on her skill in the kitchen. Her memory is inextricably tied to her unparalleled talent. Who could forget Grandmother’s fried chicken, biscuits, fresh vegetables straight from her garden, sweet potato soufflé, tea cakes, coconut cake, 6-layer chocolate cake----the list is fairly endless. The grandchildren will always remember Grandmother scooping ice cream into the blender in order to make her famous homemade milkshakes. Where Grandmother is, she will have plenty of time to putter around in the kitchen. I like to think of her making Granddaddy a meal in heaven. He’s been waiting 8 years for some of her cooking.

Where Grandmother is, there is always ice cream in the freezer. When my siblings and I were small we would get off the school bus, throw our books down, crawl up under the barbed-wire fence, run across the field and burst into Grandmother’s back door. She would greet us with these words: “What ya’ll hunting for---something to eat?” And of course we were. Grandmother always kept Neapolitan ice cream in the freezer for us.

Where Grandmother is, no one will ever throw away a plastic cup or plastic utensil. Every holiday, the extended family would gather for a feast, and we would bring paper products in order to cut down on the dishwashing. After the meal, we would always try to sneak the plastic cups into the trash bag without Grandmother seeing, but she always caught us. “I don’t mind washing these,” she’d say. “No need in throwing away a perfectly good cup”. And so we’d wash them and add to an ever-growing collection that we’ve kept over the years.

Where Grandmother is, a crop of sweet corn will always be bountiful, and her family will always gather around to help pick, shuck, and silk the corn. Of course, Grandmother will be the only one who will cut the corn off the cob. No matter how hard we tried, we could never cut the corn off just right. Grandmother was the expert and we all bowed to her expertise. We knew that we’d have the most wonderful tender sweet corn in the freezer. Grandmother was funny about her corn, though. She’d willingly give away all the peas and butter beans you could ask for, but she was a little less happy to part with the corn. “Let’s save the corn for something special”, she’d tell us. And come Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter, there would be a huge pot of corn on the stove.

Where Grandmother is, children will always behave and never have to be given her famous silent stare that could stop you in your tracks, or be told that “If you act ugly, I’ll crawl up under my bed and not come out.” It’s funny; I know that we all acted ugly at some point, but to my knowledge, Grandmother never did get up under that bed. If you really acted up, you just might be called a word that Grandmother may have made up---“tookey”---as in “Don’t act so tookey.” This was about as bad as you could get. Where Grandmother is, the children will always be called by their own given name the first time, as in “Pam come here”, rather than “Charl- lisa, Sheila----I MEAN PAM” Grandmother was famous for doing the roll call when she called us; she said it was because there was so many of us, but she loved us all. And I know that she did.

Where Grandmother is, Christmas morning will be a lot like it has been all her life---filled with family, excited children, a wonderful feast, a Christmas tree that Granddaddy cut himself, and a lot of love and laughter. Santa would always leave a stocking for the Grandchildren at Grandmother’s house, and Grandmother and Granddaddy would visit us early Christmas mornings to see what gifts we got and just to share in the excitement.

Where Grandmother is, no one will ever throw away a Lincoln Journal, an empty Cool Whip bowl, or a black plastic microwave dish. Everyone will rise early, work hard, and rest after lunch.

Where Grandmother is, she and Granddaddy have been reunited, and what a wonderful reunion it must be. I can just see Grandmother and Aunt Lottie smiling and talking and listening to Granddaddy and Uncle Waymon and Uncle Charlie “making music”.

They just don’t make them like my Grandmother anymore. She left a sterling example of a life well-lived and I am so proud to be her granddaughter.

5:00 news

2006-06-17T15:45:00.000-05:00

i know you guys are as tired of hearing the changing information as we are tired of being jerked around emotionally. however, we are back to december for a moving date for yours truly. and damnit, that's when i'm going. 6 months is not a lot of time to prepare for an international move while working, having company for 2 months and taking 3 vacations, but we will do it.

the current dilemma is what to do with my car. when quoted prices from one shipping company, the charges were found to be more than i even owe on the car, so i am disinclined to do that. chris says leave it in the states, we'll come back in the summer and get it. or sell it. but i don't want to start over with a new car payment. she says the roads are too dangerous up north to drive it there in december. anyone got any bright ideas?

wow, moving is going to be interesting, and i don't even have that much stuff! i love my mom so much that i'm going to let her have my dark cherry queen sleigh bed. sniff. so that's all the news for now. i gotta go work hard for the money.

the best sound in the entire world

2006-06-15T17:23:00.000-05:00

when it rains, it pours

2006-06-14T18:33:00.000-05:00

so in the last 7 days: my great grandmother died, the CRNBC refuses to return my calls or emails, i locked my keys in my car and paid a ridiculous amount of $$ for a preschooler to get them out in 3 minutes flat, chris and i found out it will take more than 12 months for me to be able to come to prince rupert permanently so i am stuck here, and basically everyone has bailed on me for pride weekend. i can't get anyone to switch shifts this weekend, so my best friend is going to be pissed off at me that i can't come to her housewarming party. the one plan i had for my day off fell through because of a misunderstanding. yesterday my manager told me she changed my schedule and put me on to work july 5th. that's the day chris gets here for the summer. also the day i have annual comps.

what. the. fuck.

i am distraught, but at the same time, i am so jaded and pissed off that i almost don't give a shit about anyfuckingthing. i'll go to pride by myself. i'm not going to be 10 minutes from the park and not go. i have no idea what i'll do about the next 12 months. i'm screwed for living arrangements. when december rolls around, i'll be short one roommate and still have 6 months left on my lease. i'll have to totally bail on something work-related in order to pick my fiancee up at the airport. oh yeah, and i'm scheduling oral surgery to have all 4 of my wisdom teeth extracted, which i cannot afford. somebody just shoot me, please.

missing

2006-06-13T04:11:00.000-05:00

this is me and my baby bruddah on his 5th birthday. he will be 13 in one month. i fear i may have missed his childhood because i was too busy trying to escape my own. s-e-l-f-i-s-h. that's how i feel today. regretful.

you asked for it

2006-06-12T11:38:00.000-05:00

yes, i got new hair. this is what it looks like.

nostalgia

2006-06-12T10:26:00.000-05:00

i came across these photos while going through my old stuff at home.

the weekend

2006-06-10T12:56:00.000-05:00

the circumstances that brought us together were sorrowful, but we were glad to be in the company of one another.

au revoir

2006-06-07T12:22:00.000-05:00

gone x a few days.
no phone.
no internet.
death in the family.

light

2006-05-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

tanna called me this morning. said "guess where i am?! i'm at giuseppi's, that place we ate dinner at that time on hilton head and then you took us to get ice cream down the road. and grace got chocolate, but you were too full to get any. and the lightning bugs were out, and we all fell asleep in your car before we got home."

that was 4 years ago.

sometimes it's downright scary how similar we are.

i miss my girls. worse than ever.

human or divine? can't human be divine?

2006-05-27T20:58:00.000-05:00

there have been many people in my life whose presence was divine. people who may not know it. or those who don't understand because i've failed at communication. my biggest flaw by far...for the past 5 years i have managed to dance on the borderline of retardation when it comes to communicating with the ones i love. each year, i would think "this has only been a recent occurrence..." now, many years and no improvement later, i must face the fact that i haven't inched, even the tiniest bit, forward. a gift from my dad, perhaps? my family would say yes. the master of failed communication.

writing makes it a bit easier. i can be ridiculously verbose, grasping with outstretched fingers to employ every possible adjective in a vain attempt to display the array of my emotions. if i were the reader, i would be bored with myself. this thought flows through my subconscience when i'm speaking, too. i hurry through explanations and stories, thinking "if i were listening to this, i would just want me to shut up." so more often than not, i keep my thoughts to myself, and it has commonly been mistaken for snobbiness, which of course is not the case.

and so there are people, some of whom may never know that they mean the world to me. there are people who i am desperate to reach. reach out to. reach into. know better. and those people will never know that i can't think enough of myself to believe that i am worthy of their kindness.

worth 1,000 words

2006-05-19T12:02:00.000-05:00

2006-05-15T12:32:00.000-05:00

my pulse

2006-05-05T01:51:00.000-05:00

she's going to be here in 6 days. i'm psyched, my family's psyched, she's ballistic...all this pent up emotion is going to explode when we all finally get to the same place. there will be hundreds upon hundreds of pictures, i'm sure. i have my d60 and new lens in tow. maybe this year i'll actually make it into some of the photos instead of taking them all. either way, good times are on the way. with her. she IS the fun.

sinternet

2006-05-03T15:41:00.000-05:00

which ones of you blog-happy folks are on myspace? yeah, i'm much too lazy to search for each name individually. if i know you, add me. i love y'all!

http://www.myspace.com/smuch

(pb, i got u covered)

lose/lose

2006-05-02T00:11:00.000-05:00

why does everyone close to me want all or nothing? do people who love you honestly have the right to give you ultimatums to choose them or another person? i didn't think so. then please tell me why the hell those closest to me always seem to resort to that tactic. am i REALLY in such abhorrently short supply that i can only entertain a relationship, a friendship, an acquaintance, with one person at a time? maybe i missed the memo. i am sick and fucking tired of people saying to me "it's me or them." it wasn't fucking cute when i was 16. it's not fucking cute now.

why is it that i can't be honest? because you are embarrassed by the truth? yeah, you and my mom both. so that means i should just lie, about stupid, insignificant shit, right? i answer myspace survey questions honestly and you are pissed off because i didn't make something up or delete that question. why is there a double standard here? why can you be honest in bulletins, why can you have a romantic relationship, children, build goals with another person, yet begrudge me all these things?

why do you have all the control? oh yeah, because i let you. i wanted you to be the adult. my bad. you did the not-doing. you turned the world upside down with your confessions. you told me everything you needed to say to make yourself feel better, without preparing for the consequences it would bring. you have no control over other people, but you do have control over your reactions to them. you chose to let the truth hurt you; to torture yourself with my words that were meant as just that: words. conversations. you know? those things friends share. you picked this fight. completely. it was out of left fucking field! i don't even know where you came from with this shit. nothing i could say in return would have de-escalated it. you wanted to fight. so there it is. i tried to be rational, calm. again, not what you wanted. okay then. if you get to do whatever the hell you want to do, then so do i.

i am not mother teresa. i am not the best fucking friend in the history of the world. i'm human, just like everybody else. but i HAVE been considerably patient, exceptionally understanding, and calm in situations where other people would've lost their shit months ago. i didn't CHOOSE to change every dynamic in this friendship. i didn't CHOOSE for things to get completely awkward, emotional, or hopeless. i chose to try my hardest to still be a supportive friend. to overlook the fact that you were fucking with MY feelings, too. i tried. that's all i could do.

"i'm fucked up, i'm fucked up, i'm fucked up" well what the hell do you want me to do? "i don't know." okay. the end. why are you still looking to me for answers? i didn't start this. we are not here because of me. i never ONCE had an answer.

i think it's absolute bullshit that people go OFF THEIR ROCKERS and push me into a corner where the ONLY thing to do is walk away. i don't want to lose friends. shit, i don't have that many to begin with. i would never intentionally pick a fight or push someone away.

you want to blame me? go ahead. blame me for every fucked up thing. for every bad feeling. i can't stop you. go ahead. i'd rather you hate me than live in this limbo. at least then i know where i stand.

i am sorry for wasting your valuable time. i am sorry for asking for more than you could give. i am sorry for anytime you hurt, but i will not own that pain because in the end, we all choose our own reactions. yes, even me. i am sorry for not having all the answers. but i am not sorry for trying with all my body and soul to be your friend. fighting the losing battle: story of my life. blame me. hate me. resent me. i don't care anymore.

SPS

2006-04-29T21:54:00.000-05:00

i haven't played SPF in months, so i'm making my own self portrait saturday, even though in one hour it will be sunday. play if you want to.

an obssessive habit of someone i know (2-for-1 baby):

a pouting photo from childhood:

an uncooperative kid:

a lesson courtesy of someone with no qualifications to teach:

someone i miss terribly:

emotions run splattered

2006-04-24T16:23:00.000-05:00

oh, i am a lonely painter
i live in a box of paints
i'm frightened by the devil
and i'm drawn to those ones
that ain't afraid

i remember that time you told me,
you said, 'love is touching souls'
surely you touched mine 'cause
part of you pours out of me
in these lines from time to time

what i miss

2006-04-19T06:01:00.000-05:00

pictures for the masses

2006-04-17T12:58:00.000-05:00

georgia? georgia who?

2006-04-15T01:21:00.000-05:00

poof

2006-04-13T02:09:00.000-05:00

and i'm OUT this motherfucker!

and the walls came

2006-04-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

tumbling down

if words won't come

2006-03-28T06:11:00.000-05:00

thank you, ro

2006-03-25T12:32:00.000-05:00

tiffany:
Please repent for homsexuality. You will not get into the kingdom of Heaven.

rosie:
please repent 4 ur bigotry
god is love

slight change of plans

2006-03-21T12:08:00.000-05:00

the canehdian will be spending 3 months of the summer here now. that's happy news for lots of people here, who are itching to have more time with us - who am i kidding? they want more time with her. the summer will be tons of fun; it is already packed with plans, trips, beaches, parks, roadtrips, flights, shows, you name it, we're going. insanity abounds. did i mention i have a job?

in 3 weeks i will be given the vancouver experience a la danroth. there's nothing like having a handful of enthusiastic canadians ready to show you every possible attraction in 3 days. sunscreen? check. camera? check. tennis shoes? check check check.

2 weeks later, chris gets the georgia experience a la the poss family. who knew we'd get a weekend-long coming out party? this one will require sunscreen, bugspray, tons of wine, and homemade ice cream. check, check, check, check, check.

follow-up report to be presented by christine danroth, who has taken over the photography and authoring responsibilities since i've become a lush. thanks honey.

gotta love natalie

2006-03-16T14:31:00.000-05:00

p.s.

2006-03-15T14:59:00.000-05:00

for those who have been trying to access chris' blog to no avail, go here.

for somebody i wish i could see

2006-03-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

i miss

2006-03-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

my sister. we haven't seen each other since christmas. since we both went off to college, our talks and visits have grown further apart. before that, she practically lived with me at uga. we've become different people, i think. she's grown up. i don't recognize her sometimes, literally. the most changing she's done has been from the inside out. i tiptoed around the conversation when i came out to her, afraid of her reaction, worried that the past few years of separation might become permanent. she'd said homophobic things in my presence in the past, we'd grown apart a bit, for the first time in 20 years. it scared me. i cried through her entire response, which happened to be the sweetest words i'd heard in years. my heart has always swelled with more pride for her than i could keep inside. today i i feel like i need more hearts, a bigger soul, another me, to contain all the love and respect i have for my family and friends. we are long overdue for something fun. maybe six flags is calling our names. it is now open on the weekends. yeah. six flags.

2006-03-01T18:59:00.000-05:00

i want one of these. really, REALLY want one of these. did i mention that? oh yes, i did. back at christmas. no such sweetness under my tree. maybe another year.

meredith gets it

2006-03-01T16:58:00.000-05:00

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

on a night like this

2006-02-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

having to completely sever your ties with someone and continue living your life without them as a part of it sucks, but is a necessary evil for most people. there will always be those who don't grow and change at the same rate as you, and out of sheer self-preservation, you are forced to make drastic changes. what sucks even more is when your life-long friends and siblings are hanging out with the exes (ex friends, ex girlfriends) and you are torn...between wanting to continue to share and be open with said friends, and needing to continue to keep your life separate from the lives of those who have been removed with good reason. sigh. so here we sit. or here i sit. at home while these people, some still in my life, some not, hang out and have a good time. and i stay home and wish that things had never gotten so complicated. my best friend told me to suck it up and make up. it's not that simple. there are reasons close to my heart and convictions that will prevent that from ever happening, and i am not sorry for it. i am only sorry to find myself and the people in my life in this tangled mess.

for this reason along with many others, i am very much looking forward to my upcoming move. i need a change. yes, moving to atlanta from a small town was a change. yes, getting a job at the one and only place i applied which happens to be one of the top 6 pediatric hospitals in the country was a change. but not big enough. not far enough. i'm not running. we could stay here and build a life devoid of negativity. however, my soul is yearning for something new. new people, new places, new opportunities. georgia, all my life, has been my home, my solace. it still is. but this drama is not. i find myself retreating back to my roots. wanting to be home in a pasture of buttercups, looking to my family for guidance and acceptance. other things are blurring inconsequentially. for now, i will hold on to that which i know: country fields, georgian beaches, familiar smells of my aunt pam's clean sheets and the woods at deer run point. it is a strange sensation: to accept and yearn for the impending changes, yet hold so tightly to my past. but it is comforting, nonetheless.

yellow.

2006-02-26T18:13:00.000-05:00

i lied. sue me.

2006-02-24T22:32:00.000-05:00

i've got to go out of town unexpectedly to be wined and dined by my favorite aunt and uncle. we are long overdue for quality time. i know, i know, this blog is too. i WILL get to it. sleep well knowing my family has been AWESOME and every single day they continue to overwhelm me with love and support. i was prepared for the absolute worst, and they have come through in ways i never would've DREAMED to DARE to imagine they could. i'm serious. i've hardly been able to bask in the relief yet, i've spent so much time being overwhelmed by the facts. i'm still in that place where i've spent so many years mentally preparing for the worst of the WORST, that i cannot even force myself to accept the reality before me. i am lucky. we are lucky. and loved.

yesssssss

2006-02-24T11:57:00.000-05:00

i will update tonight. i promise!!!

the end. or the beginning. it's all the same.

2006-02-21T12:25:00.000-05:00

we grow bigger and taller, but we never actually grow up. i've heard it's possible to, but i've just never met anyone who actually has. without our parents to defy we'll break the rules we set for ourselves. we'll throw temper tantrums when things don't go our way. we'll whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. we'll look for comfort wherever we can find it, and like children, we'll never give up hope.

comment section wish list

2006-02-16T14:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, here's the deal. The person above you in the comment section makes a wish ("I wish I had a banana!"), and then the person below grants your wish, and then wishes something else, but here's the fun part: Your wish is messed up! Example: crazylady----I wish I had a banana. Hippo----Granted, but the banana tastes bad. I wish I had a ticket to a concert. Susie----Granted, but it's a Barney concert. I wish...

i'll start it off: i wish i was at the beach right now...

going home

2006-02-13T23:09:00.000-05:00

shape of my heart

2006-02-12T17:41:00.000-05:00

so i told him. it took less than 30 minutes for him to come in, sit down, talk briefly, then leave after patting me on the back. yeah. it wasn't terrible, but in my book it certainly wasn't good. he basically told me he didn't take my "choice" seriously. that i was limiting myself, i just hadn't given heterosexual relationships enough of a chance, and that he didn't take mine and chris's relationship seriously. i told him that i'd known for several years, i had crushes on girls all through my adolesence, and that i was in a committed relationship. he said i didn't necessarily have to tell my mom. i am telling her on sunday (one week from today). he blamed my ex boyfriend from high school for causing me to be "this way." i didn't tell him that i'm moving and getting married. it seemed too much. beth said, "when your ass is on a plane to canada this summer, he'll be like 'well i guess she was serious.'" their reaction or lack of understanding right now is beyond my control. i am sad for the absence of support, but not surprised. next week will be 100 times worse. my mom is an emotional roller coaster. she has no idea. the good news is that i can come in, tell her, and leave when it gets too out of control. the bad news is that i will have a difficult time not taking it to heart, trying to fall asleep that night without having an awful empty feeling in my stomach. no i love you's, no "you're my daughter, i want you to be happy" phrases. none today, and none next week. not from them. not anytime in the near future.

so...

2006-02-11T14:17:00.000-05:00

where to start...it's been a busy time in my life. little recap: i graduated on december 9th, then chris visited for a week, by then it was christmas, new year's, i moved to atlanta on january 14th, took a 3-day n-clex review class, began my new job, took my national boards, passed, came out to my sister.... that's a very sparse overview.

so this weekend was going to be my time to relax and enjoy the knowledge that i'll never have to take american boards again, but it wouldn't be my life if it didn't include stress. my stepdad is coming to visit me tomorrow. i've already told him that i want to talk to him without my mom around, because i'll talk to them both next weekend...i told him i thought she would freak out, and i wanted to give him the opportunity to talk with me separately and rationally (my mom's not all that rational). so i'm going to tell him that i'm gay, let him ask me any questions if he wants to, and ask his advice about how he thinks i should approach telling my mother. i'll tell her next weekend. then it will spread like wildfire. i won't even have a chance to tell any other relatives. they'll hear it through the grapevine.

i've been reading the book i ordered for them, "straight parents, gay children: keeping families together." the title sounded like something that my mom wouldn't be COMPLETELY opposed to reading. although it does make good points, it comes across like a pflag brochure. pflag, pflag, pflag is everywhere. it's like an infomercial for them. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i'd love for my parents to use pflag as a resource, but i think the book just comes on so strongly that it might actually push them away from giving it a chance. so i'm debating whether or not to give it to them. i guess it can't hurt.

i'm really nervous about talking to my dad tomorrow. for those who don't know: to differentiate between my biological father and my step father, we call our biological father "my father" or "real daddy." we call our stepdad "dad," and "daddy." it's a little confusing. anyway, i am nervous about talking to him. i'm not even really sure what i want to say, and instead of trying to think it through, i've spent the weekend avoiding the thought. i don't even know how to bring it up. he knows he's coming here specifically to discuss something with me that i don't want my mom to know yet. he's probably expecting the absolute worst. he may totally expect this. but i don't want to be like "thanks for coming. i'm gay." i mean, it's not like there's an instruction book on how to do this. i think i'll have some wine before he gets here. i just hope i don't cry. crying will bring back memories of high school and my inability to talk to them rationally without bursting into tears. any advice tonight is welcomed. anyone wanting to help me avoid the topic by doing something fun tonight too, call me.

YAY!!!!

2006-02-10T18:45:00.000-05:00

amanda has been FOUND! thank goodness!! she is living proof: virtual milk cartons DO work! and get this: hoochie mama was just down the effin' STREET from me! gotta love the irony in my life.

camille, RN

2006-02-08T10:23:00.000-05:00

i fucking PASSED!

nail in my coffin

2006-02-05T20:05:00.000-05:00

i take my boards at 8:30 tomorrow morning. i don't think i've ever been so stressed. don't plan to hear from me until at least lunchtime on wednesday, when i can hopefully find out my results. mojo, y'all. i need it. ALL of it.

where oh WHERE?!

2006-02-03T12:12:00.000-05:00

amanda!!! where are you?? my friend amanda has gone missing. her email address doesn't work; she said no thanks to myspace...i am utterly distraught at my inability to communicate with her. if you have seen her, please let me know. or amanda if you are reading this you better get in touch with me!! i am having withdrawals!!

if i could put a milk carton on blogger, this is what would be on the back of it:

insane in the membrane

2006-02-01T17:20:00.000-05:00

i've been ridiculously busy, y'all. new place, new job, i take boards on monday, been coming out to relatives... cautiously avoiding those who would let it slip and make it back to my parents. yes, i'm telling the parents. i'm planning to have some time with my dad next weekend and i'll tell him, then ask his opinion about what to do about my mother. i'm under just a little bit of stress. i don't like this transition period. i'm not a student, but i don't have my license yet so i can't call myself an RN until wednesday (if and when i pass my boards); what i can and can't do at the hospital is a little blurry until i get those test results, which affects my schedule a bit. to say the least, i do not feel very stable. i'm worried about $$, my parents' rejection, passing my boards...THEN after i make it past those obstacles, i have the privilege of orchestrating my international move, our wedding, passing canadian boards, and finding a new job there.

don't get me wrong: i'm NOT complaining here. i have felt guilty lately for always venting on blogger and never posting happy entries. i'm just letting you guys know what's going on so you'll understand why i'm not around as much as i might otherwise be. i will try to keep updated as much as possible. but please don't disappear. i love you guys to death and i love knowing what's going on with y'all. you are my online family. my arial ghosts. and i love you. ALL OF YOU!!

yeah!

2006-02-01T14:41:00.000-05:00

sj (today): you are always so considerate of other people's feelings, which is something i really admire about you. why is it that no one ever seems to care about yours?

something to think about...

dear daddy

2006-01-28T13:45:00.000-05:00

i've spent too much time wondering why you weren't there when we needed you; why you chose other things and people over us; why you didn't care...i've wasted too much time being angry with you, and being hurt by your lack of sensitivity.

i graduated with my BSN. you came to celebrate it, and let other people joke with you about what a financial and emotional relief this must be for you, as well as me. that was bullshit. we both knew it. you didn't help me through college. you didn't share my stress, my worries, my fears. but no one spoke up to correct those people on december 9th.

i'm 23 years old daddy. why do you care now? did you wake up and realize your first born was now an adult and you missed it? all of it? did you regret hurting me to hurt my mother? do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and remember me as a toddler...the daddy's girl? did you ever watch our home movies and notice me begging for your attention, clinging to you, asking you questions, while you didn't even reply to me? do you regret buying the doll you knew i wanted more than anything and inviting me over on christmas morning to watch you give it to amber? did you ever wonder, during the silences we grew to expect, what i was thinking? what things were going through my mind that i would never say to you? maybe that's why you care now. maybe not.

i've spent my whole life being hurt, being resentful, and expecting this behavior from you. but i love you. you're still my father. maybe you wanted to laugh with me. maybe you wanted to spend time with us, but you just couldn't. maybe you wanted to be affectionate, but you forgot how to show it. maybe you did love me, but you just didn't know how to tell me. if there's a possibility that these things are true, then maybe i can learn to forgive the past and start somewhere new. maybe we can be friends. i think it's a little late for building bridges.

today i looked at you differently. not as my absent father, but as a man. just like any guy on the street. with faults. i'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and go to sleep tonight thinking perhaps you wanted all the same things i did, but for whatever reason you just could not
give them. and that's okay, daddy. for the first time in my life, that is okay.

as true as this is

2006-01-20T21:32:00.000-05:00

so i own not a notion
i escape and gain content
i don't own emotion,
i rent.

sticks and stones

2006-01-12T01:14:00.000-05:00

you would have kept those words on your tongue
if you had known the hurt they had done
while your fists stay by your side
your words they bruise me deep inside

i'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me
cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me

sometimes your words are thick as lead
you swing them strong upside my head
what hasn't killed has made me strong
so i'll take my scars and move along

i'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me
cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life out of me

talents abound

2006-01-06T20:21:00.000-05:00

Share Video at DropShots.com

what to do with hill and nikki?

2006-01-02T11:36:00.000-05:00

in the broad light of day

2006-01-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

there is validity to wanting what you cannot have. i have known it. i have seen it. i have felt it. i won't pretend to understand it.

i have no profound thoughts on the subject. hardly any thoughts at all. just emotion, as is my plight these days. it strikes me with an oppressive sadness. the kind that makes you wonder if your very chest might collapse with the exhaustive weight of so much disappointment.

unconditional love is possible. i have it for many people. a few of whom i know aren't deserving, nevertheless i refuse to relinquish the emotion. rather it refuses to leave my heart. when my mother told me she could not look at me without disgust, that she was glad my papa was dead because she could not bear for him to know me, that she would never love me, i wanted with all of my spirit to hate her. it brought me to my knees to know that i couldn't. yet others believe that they might somehow lose my approval, my admiration, my love by some slight of fate, coincidence, life...a piece of their history, when just the opposite is true. it enriches their character, brightens the glow around them, and allows me to understand them more deeply and love them more steadfastly.

to leave your heart open is to risk having it ravaged. to close it is to never know what might have been. which is worse? in the end, i'm happy to have cared so deeply for so many. to spend your life waiting for others to reciprocate is surely wasted time. i know better. then again, to learn that someone unexpectedly does care throws everything off balance. takes away my ability to give without expectation, makes it harder to justify lost time. you might think that i don't appreciate it, but that's not it. i can't wrap my head around it. at all. i am the one who loves unconditionally, not the one who is loved.

to hope is to be let down. to hope for nothing is to be pleasantly surprised at least some of the time. to not dare to hope for something, and then get it: too much.

**Note to readers: This post is not about coming out to my parents. I still haven't done that. My mother said those things to me six years ago. Sorry for the confusion.**

just do it

2005-12-20T15:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa:

2005-12-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

I want one of these for Christmas. Please. Not one of THOSE specifically, but one of my own. Merci.

hell yeah!

2005-12-10T17:01:00.000-05:00

you're looking at egleston's newest nurse!

all in the name of good drunken fun

2005-12-02T17:36:00.000-05:00

**my friends kick so much ass**

the gift

2005-11-22T18:12:00.000-05:00

today beth gave me the most incredible gift of music. the first song anyone has ever actually given to me and said "this is you." i am speechless. completely speechless.

She will never be invincible
She will never be some Florence Nightingale
Her threshold`s invisible
But she`ll hang on like hell

She may be transparent
She`s got no defenses to speak of
But she`ll stand here before you
With no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain
That she`ll land on her own two feet
And you`ll think you can break her
`Cause you think that she`s crazy and weak
But her power will defy you when
She wears her heart on her sleeve

She will never learn your tranquillity
She will never learn how to let things slide
Her joy overwhelms her and
Her sorrow won`t subside

She may be transparent
She`s got no defenses to speak of
But she`ll stand here before you
With no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain
That she`ll land on her own two feet
And you`ll think you can break her
`Cause you think that she`s crazy and weak
But her power will defy you when
She wears her heart on her sleeve

Oh you may condemn me with
Your bitter words and untouchable rage
And you may torment me `cause i don`t
Lead my life in your way
But I will stand here before you
With no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain
That I will land on my own two feet
You`ll think you can break me
Bring my head down to my knees
But my power will defy you when
I wear my heart on my sleeve

my angel's school picture

2005-11-20T22:44:00.000-05:00

she wore an itsy bitsy...

2005-11-17T22:44:00.000-05:00

happy legs

2005-11-15T21:43:00.000-05:00

more chrisisms

2005-11-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

"baby! i have 16 boxes of crackers and one creepy caterpillar. it was fucken serious."

and so it is

2005-11-13T22:02:00.000-05:00

my heart hurts in new ways
new intensities, shapes
and colors

everyone wanting things
from me that i cannot
or won't
give

which brings to pain
those who are no longer
here who also wanted,
needed things from me
that i could not and
would not provide

suppose i found it possible
to break off small pieces
of myself, and hand them
over freely.
i would.

not enough.
not even for me.
myself.
i.

never enough
for anybody
everybody
somebody.

pieces,
shatters
of myself
handed carefully
over, to cause
more anguish
than before.

almost there

2005-11-09T17:06:00.000-05:00

i graduate in one month. exactly. one fucking month. god i hope i can make it to that day, lol. i can. i might have a few nervous breakdowns between now and then, but i'll make it there. things have been ridiculous. my life has been spastic. i'm a big tangled mess of disorganization. and on my days off, what do i do? nothing. actually, that's not true, but i just feel like there's no point in even making an attempt at everything that needs to be done.

my mom's trying to set me up with a guy. and get me to work at a hospital in our hometown. pfft. that's the funniest thing i've heard all week.

my brother is dating our ex roommate, my ex friend. that's just plain gross. and it pisses me off that he didn't tell me himself. whatev.

my best friend is no longer moving to atlanta with me. that leaves me high and dry to find a place on my own pretty soon. a job would be nice. guess i should look for one of those too...i'm one tom collins away from skipping the country. but then i'd need a passport. fuck.

i feel like jordan. maybe i should, like....do something...or something.

from the mouth of my girlfriend cont'd

2005-10-31T21:14:00.000-05:00

Fletcher sniffed a candle today and burnt his whiskers. He is our special boy.

hey i ate a plastic bag last night while i was dreaming...

i lick laundry detergent and there's a difference.

Lo

2005-10-26T18:57:00.000-05:00

What I heard then was the melody of children at play. Nothing but that. And I knew that the hopelessly poignant thing was not Lolita's absence from my side, but the absence of her voice from that chorus.

867-5309

2005-10-23T15:48:00.000-05:00

if she gets up, we'll all get up...it'll be ANARCHY!

life is yours to miss

2005-10-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

nyc is calling me home. i have so many of those...i am a child of the world, belonging everywhere and nowhere in particular. on a darkened stage in an empty theatre, this is my monologue. things i have to say and share with everyone and no one at all.

Worth a try

2005-10-11T19:11:00.000-05:00

A close friend of Camille's is in need of a miracle
Hollie needs a new kidney
Her blood type is 0 positive
she was close to getting a transplant
but it did not work out
she is back at square one
So after much thought we decided to
use this vice to get the word out for her
She is 22, a nursing student
and is in renal failure, creatinine
is 15 (greater than 5 is end stage renal failure)
So spread the word
and if you can help or know of someone
who is a donor and has this blood type
comment to us.
C&C

documentary of a 5 yr old

2005-10-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

Upload Video at JussPress.com

anna

2005-10-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

her highness.

adam

2005-10-08T11:22:00.000-05:00

the male love of my life.

looking back with wonder

2005-10-04T21:04:00.000-05:00

All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us.

pick up line

2005-10-04T12:20:00.000-05:00

Chinese guy: What are you, Brazilian? Argentinian? I can't quite place my finger on it.
Indian girl: No, I'm Indian.
Chinese guy: Ooh. You're my little tandoori chicken. Where's your dot?

--KGB Bar, E. 4th Street (overheard in nyc)

where do these dumbasses come from??!

rare forms of truth

2005-10-02T23:01:00.000-05:00

we're all self concious,
i'm just the first to admit it

the prettiest people
do the ugliest things

forgive
well that's a mighty big word
for such a small man
and i'm not sure i can

remember when i moved in you
the holy dark was moving too
and every breath we drew
was hallelujah

there's only us
there's only this
forget regret
or life is yours to miss
no other road
no other way
no day but today

i don't want to be responsible
for your fractured heart
and its wounded beat

the choices that i made
oh have been nothing but mistakes
what a wasted use of space
should i die before i wake

there comes a time
in everyone's life
when all you can see are
the years passing by
and i have made up my mind
that those days are gone

i hear them saying
you'll never change things
and no matter what you do
it's still the same thing
but it's not the world
that i am changing
i do this so
this world will know
that it will not change me

from a distance

2005-10-02T16:08:00.000-05:00

i miss my bruddah. he is so very perceptive. he is always surprising me with the things that come out of his mouth. he is funny, intelligent, and he has the biggest heart of any 13 yr old i know. i'm so proud of you, matt. proud to call you my brother. proud to know you. and proud of the person that you are. you are a wonder.

2005-09-30T20:52:00.000-05:00

journal excerpt

2005-09-30T20:30:00.000-05:00

--february 17, 2005.

it is the end of day 2, after valentine's day. i looked in the mailbox bleakly, but foolishly still expecting to see his handwriting on some large pink envelope meant for me. of course it wasn't there. why this one should matter is lost on me. i didn't even read the others. 21 years of big pink envelopes encasing cardboard that all said "i love you - daddy." i usually cherish the written word and i, more than most, can appreciate the fact that some things are more easily said on paper...but for some reason these words never struck me as genuine. even when he says them...i don't know why he would lie about it, but somehow they feel so obligatory. i carelessly tossed the others in the caboodle that had become their dungeon, so an observer might wonder why i even care if this year i didn't receive one more $3.99 piece of paper he probably didn't even read. i care because he sent cliff one. maybe that's childish, but it's also incredibly rude to send one of your children something on valentine's day and not the other. especially when they live together. it fucking hurts my feelings.

and so it is

2005-09-29T16:29:00.000-05:00

every tear you cry
every doubt you have
all of these things will pass away

all of your big mistakes
your little old heart would break
i'm wishing that i could take them back

write down the things you don't want
burn them in a glass
write down the things you dream of
make a paper plane that flies to heaven

and buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

that's where i'll be
waiting

all of the empty rooms
all of the silent space
every warm embrace is you
nothing is like it was
there's nobody here but us
i have been filled right up with this

write down the words of sadness
burn them in a cup
write down the things you've wanted
throw them to the wind that's soaring up to heaven

and buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

oh buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

that's where i'll be waiting...

till this moment with you

2005-09-28T18:56:00.001-05:00

2005-09-25T14:57:00.000-05:00

his name is lax kxeen

2005-09-25T14:55:00.000-05:00

the turtle was bigger in real life. we swear.

no day but today

2005-09-21T10:59:00.000-05:00

525,600 moments
how do you measure
a year in the life?

how about love...
how about love...
how about love...

measure in love
seasons of love

525,600 minutes
525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes
how do you measure the life
of a woman or a man

in truths that she learned
or in times that he cried
the bridges he burned
or the way that she died

it's time now
to see now
that the story never ends
let's celebrate
remember the year in the life of friends
how about love...
measure in love
seasons of love

measure your life in love.

my baby

2005-09-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

hanging by a thread

2005-09-17T20:15:00.000-05:00

this is turning out to be a wonderful semester. i mean that with all the sarcasm i can possibly convey. i won't even begin to tell you about the amount of stress and pressure i'm under academically and clinically, but it's the most severe it's ever been. and we lost taylor mackenzie lawson. and now hollie's kidney function is 5% and her creatinine is 15. she needs a transplant. now. she needed it 2 years ago. i can't make her sister care. our blood types are not the same. i would give her mine, without a second thought. she needs it. even i am becoming desperate for her. how she is remaining calm, i have no clue. sitting in my kitchen the other night she quietly said "it's my life. why doesn't she understand that she's holding my life in her hands while she's choosing not to take the time to be tested for a possible match?" i have no answers.

and today a close friend had an abortion. although i could never be judgmental, i didn't think i could really understand anyone's motives for a decision like that. but now i do. her decision was a difficult one, as i'm sure it is for everyone, but i agree with her choice. and i would do anything in the world to help her through it. but my friends have problems i am helpless to resolve. they are too big. i am left with an intense desire to change things for them, make it all go away, when all i can really do is be there. just be. and i'm amazed, everyday, that that is enough for them. i'm so touched by the people in my life. no matter how stressed and desperate i feel, i know my world is filled with love, life, and laughter. i owe you the world, my friends. my world.

i'm goin straight to hell

2005-09-16T18:49:00.000-05:00

i make her laugh. that makes me smile.