Thursday, April 15, 2010

regret

i just read all the comments on my last entry before "peacing out," years ago. and i'm sure as they were forwarded to my email account when they were originally left, i read them and stepped away from the computer and carried on. now, looking at them all collectively makes me sad. blogging filled a huge void for me in my early 20s when i needed to write. i still need to write, of course, but just have less time to do it.

when i began this blog, i didn't consider how often i'd write. i just made an account, and when i had something to say, i said it. it was that simple. but in the simplicity, i became enveloped in the arms of a loving blogging community. just seeing the usernames in the comments below brought back memories of each person's journey...the way we let one another in, to share in our ups and downs. and the thing that was so warm and familial about it all was how dedicated we were to each other. how we, as a group, supported others when they fell, and were genuinely happy for one another's triumphs.

not long before i was to graduate from college, i came across an unexpected love. she was a blogger, too. here is where we connected, across 3,000 miles. and i took you all on that ride with me. you, my stranger friends, became our cheerleaders and championed our efforts to make the distance work until we could work out a long term plan. and when it fell apart, i didn't know how to fix it. i couldn't repair it for myself, or for her, or for you. so i left. without explanation. and i wish that i hadn't, because none of you quit on me.

many of you have deleted your blogs. you may have new homes that i don't know about, as i am the deserter. others of you have kept in touch in other, more distant ways, and i appreciate knowing you're still there.

i have frequently hoped to publish this blog, as it was the documentation of my life...my play by play. that is exactly why i never deleted it, even after years of not returning. maybe i will still do that someday. in the meantime, i will continue to write here, not because of what i hope to find in attention from others, but because of the wonder and mystery of releasing your feelings outside of your own body... the magic journey that writing is for most who truly appreciate it.

8 comments:

Puffer said...

"Now I’m having the squeams, while the silliest things
Are flapping around in my brain.
And I try not to dream of the impossible schemes,
That swim around wanna drown me in synch."

Lynilu said...

Camille, I don't know what blogs you used to read, but if you'll let me know, I might know some of the. Several I read have changed to new addys for various reasons. And many have deserted blogs for Facebook. Are you There?

Glad you're back. Sorry it is under the circumstances. It is good to hear that you are figuring life out as a single mom. Not easy, and I admire your moxy! Stay strong.

BTW, is this the blog you're more likely to keep up? Just wanting to know where to check.

lightfeather said...

Glad you are back to releasing your words and letting them fly! The arms of the universe are always there to enfold you when needed and provide a safety net when you are not yet ready to fly.

Thanks for stopping by sweet lady!

camille said...

loving lighty...

and lynilu - yes, this is the blog i will keep. yes, i am also on fb. have been since 2004. and don't be sorry for the circumstances: my daughter and i needed this. i was dying a slow death in my previous relationship and i had allowed it to hinder my parenting. we are better than ever now, and my only regret is that i didn't demand more for us long, long ago.

goldie said...

CAMILLE!!! I AM SO HAPPY YOU'RE BACK!! I recieved your comment on my blog via my email and was strangly excited to see it. it was almost like i saw an email from a long lost friend :)

You're right i havent blogged in quite awhile :) did up a 'writing' blog: amongthesilence.blogspot.com just that i havent updated that in awhile too.

Irony is, i only write when im depressed or down.. and of course when i have the time. With too little time on my hands now, its hard to keep going on my blog(s)

Once again am really happy to have you back :) hope everything is good with you and thanks for taking the effort to keep in touch. Shall add you on FB if i manage to find you! :)

goldie said...

CAMILLE!!! I AM SO HAPPY YOU'RE BACK!! I recieved your comment on my blog via my email and was strangly excited to see it. it was almost like i saw an email from a long lost friend :)

You're right i havent blogged in quite awhile :) did up a 'writing' blog: amongthesilence.blogspot.com just that i havent updated that in awhile too.

Irony is, i only write when im depressed or down.. and of course when i have the time. With too little time on my hands now, its hard to keep going on my blog(s)

Once again am really happy to have you back :) hope everything is good with you and thanks for taking the effort to keep in touch. Shall add you on FB if i manage to find you! :)

Puffer said...

the journey
keeps on going
we never know
how our futures
will intertwine
and weave
but i am glad
this blog had
a start
and hopefully
won't finish
for a long time
every little thing
we do opens another door...
2 life.

lightfeather said...

More Camille!!!