Tuesday, October 06, 2009

time

it has been 3 years, 2 months, and 6 days since i've blogged here. all my followers are gone. some tried to keep in touch through other means of social networking and emailing. i went through times in the past 3 years where i didn't want to be found. 4 days ago i decided, with gusto, that it was time for me to return home, in regards to my writing. this was my first toe-dip into the world of blogging, after a long period of not writing. it only seems right to start here, again.

so much has happened. too much, in fact. but on we go.

i am single again. and i do have a sort of giddy happiness about the freedom and possibility before me. i had this in 2005. i'm in love with being in love, and being single means that falling in love again is on my horizon, and it makes me smile. so much to look forward to. however, this time i am a single mom. that three-letter word changes everything, and not much all at once. isn't that strange? i could not be more enamored of my daughter. she is everything i want to be, and only at 3 years of age. carefree and loving life, and full of empathy and concern for others. she is beautiful, courageous, and unabashed about most things.

she has another parent, yes. another mother with whom i attempted to build a family. and i hope this person will remain in my daughter's life and be the parent she (quite literally) signed up to be. but regardless of what this person does or does not do in the end: falling in love again is in my future and my daughter's. i am so hopeful about the possibilities that are new: someone to share our daily life with in joy and peace, someone with whom to create memories and traditions around holidays, and someone to share the hard times with, because my daughter's health is precarious. most will say this is not the time to be on the prowl, and i promise: i'm not. i'm not even actively looking.

but i will say this: after 3 years of not being fulfilled...of never feeling valued, respected, or cherished....my heart leaps at the thought of all the things that are now simply possible because i finally made the decision to demand more for myself and my child. i just can't stand the excitement and anticipation. it could very well be 5 years down the road. or 5 days, for all we know. but the very fact that i am able to be valued and respected, because i finally realized i deserve it: well, it is like a candle flame deep in my soul. flickering, but never going out...getting brighter, in fact, each day that i continue moving forward in the life that i want to lead and provide for my child. i am so at peace and so lighthearted, and god, it feels so good.

2 comments:

Melissa said...

welcome back...i have thought of you many times...wondering how you were...if you found your "niche"...and it appears you have.

the picture is beautiful...you look very much "captured" by this beautiful little girl.

Congratulations on being a mom, on finding your worth...and coming back to writing.

Under A Blackened Sky said...

I am so glad you have returned. Now and then I return to this blog in hopes of finding an entry, because I have always found your words inspiring, even in times of darkness, the passion you have for life is infectious. Thanks for the return Camille. I've missed having you here.