Wednesday, November 18, 2009

gush


Isn't this the most lovely sight in all the world?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

just like a woman


ready to blog again...here, i drifted. i must have ignored that clause in the single mom agreement that said you will never have any time to yourself, EVER again. so here i am. our house is ours - mine and ashley's, and it fills me right up. even the things you often let get under your skin about the everyday grind of motherhood feel good, when i'm at work and reflecting on the last week. last night ashley asked me if i wanted to watch "the facts of life" (a new nightly tradition). then she added, "i like it!" and i yelled "i LOVE it..." to which she looked up at me, grinned and said "gimme a hug. i so proud ah you." it made me smile from ear to ear, then laugh. i have been saying those words to her more frequently. and i forgot how good it feels to hear it. even when they are coming out of your 3 yr old's mouth and you know she doesn't fully understand them. they are still words that make you get tingly. words can be weapons. or they can cushion falls. insulate hearts. boost you back up into the sunlight. we need to be reminded.

the perpetual transition of the last 4 months has been exhausting. i am tired all the time. i am sleeping like a baby, yet i am still tired. i have gone from 151 lbs to 123 lbs with not one OUNCE of effort. not that i'm complaining about that part...it's actually nice, sans the need to buy new clothes. life is just changing. not only for me, for everyone around me. and while i want my daughter to be highly adaptable and embrace changes, i also want to provide stability for her. things she knows she can count on, no matter where we live, or who may be in our lives. traditions, if you will. our traditions. and we are starting them now. the holidays are around the corner, and before you know it, it will be spring and then summer again! i am accepting any and all suggestions for not getting lost in the madness and letting time fly by. i think it will start with a lot of organization on our end....


Tuesday, October 06, 2009

time

it has been 3 years, 2 months, and 6 days since i've blogged here. all my followers are gone. some tried to keep in touch through other means of social networking and emailing. i went through times in the past 3 years where i didn't want to be found. 4 days ago i decided, with gusto, that it was time for me to return home, in regards to my writing. this was my first toe-dip into the world of blogging, after a long period of not writing. it only seems right to start here, again.

so much has happened. too much, in fact. but on we go.

i am single again. and i do have a sort of giddy happiness about the freedom and possibility before me. i had this in 2005. i'm in love with being in love, and being single means that falling in love again is on my horizon, and it makes me smile. so much to look forward to. however, this time i am a single mom. that three-letter word changes everything, and not much all at once. isn't that strange? i could not be more enamored of my daughter. she is everything i want to be, and only at 3 years of age. carefree and loving life, and full of empathy and concern for others. she is beautiful, courageous, and unabashed about most things.

she has another parent, yes. another mother with whom i attempted to build a family. and i hope this person will remain in my daughter's life and be the parent she (quite literally) signed up to be. but regardless of what this person does or does not do in the end: falling in love again is in my future and my daughter's. i am so hopeful about the possibilities that are new: someone to share our daily life with in joy and peace, someone with whom to create memories and traditions around holidays, and someone to share the hard times with, because my daughter's health is precarious. most will say this is not the time to be on the prowl, and i promise: i'm not. i'm not even actively looking.

but i will say this: after 3 years of not being fulfilled...of never feeling valued, respected, or cherished....my heart leaps at the thought of all the things that are now simply possible because i finally made the decision to demand more for myself and my child. i just can't stand the excitement and anticipation. it could very well be 5 years down the road. or 5 days, for all we know. but the very fact that i am able to be valued and respected, because i finally realized i deserve it: well, it is like a candle flame deep in my soul. flickering, but never going out...getting brighter, in fact, each day that i continue moving forward in the life that i want to lead and provide for my child. i am so at peace and so lighthearted, and god, it feels so good.