Friday, June 30, 2006

come down to me

music can melt hearts.
mine is an iridescent puddle
with footprints that ripple
inward and disappear.

my mind is no longer
working concretely.
i see strictly in colors
of emotions.

the storm is inside
danger.alarm.get out.
can't get away from myself.

words are worthless.
even if they came
to my aid,
who would hear them?
and if you heard them,
what difference
would it make?

control has forsaken me.
the blues wane inside my chest
while greens ebb.

outside, the incessant drone
of the daily routine
still marches on.
mine and yours.

peace, please find me.
my arms are tired.
my body is too small
to hold so much inside.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you

you are the light
that's leading me
to the place where
i find peace again.

you are the strength,
that keeps me walking.
you are the hope,
that keeps me trusting.
you are the light to my soul.
you are my purpose...
you're everything.

how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this?

you calm the storms,
and you give me rest.
you hold me in your hands,
you won't let me fall.
you steal my heart,
and you take my breath away.

would you take me in?
take me deeper now
how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this?

cause you're all I want
all I need
you're everything

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Friday, June 23, 2006

is it gay in here or is it just me?

tonight i emailed my grandparents (yes, they have dsl and are all over the internet), and told them that i was gay and that i'm moving to canada. i know, i know, email is impersonal blah blah blah, but we don't see one another very often. i haven't told them before now because my parents asked me not to. now with the move approaching, i had to risk it. i'd rather them disapprove of my very soul than be proud of an elaborate lie.

with that little bomb sent out into cyberspace, i am preparing mentally (because i'm at work and that's all i can do) for pride, which begins in less than 24 hours. my kickass friends have come from all over to celebrate all that is bendy while being drunk out of our trees. say it with me, folks: yesssssssss. you straights get 362 days a year to celebrate your straightness. we get this weekend. i am fucking psyched.

side note to amanda: don't be afraid of the lezzies. we won't bite unless you ask us to.

12 days until chris is here. balance. wax on. wax off.

live. love. be.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

probably wouldn't if i could

it has been an interesting year. each minute, a lesson. me. searching. i'm still not sure exactly what for. my hair is gone. it felt cumbersome. it had to go, so i could find out what was underneath. hair is security for many women. now i don't have it. forced to be secure with myself. still shaky, i must admit. but a lesson to be learned, all the same.

i have done that for years: forced myself to do things i am afraid of. not all the time. just often enough to make me still feel real. alive. the verdict is in. i'm still here. still me.

can anyone tell me who that is?

Saturday, June 17, 2006

we love you, mama hilda

**this is the eulogy that we grandchildren and great-granchildren created while rocking on the front porch of the funeral home the other night, with loosened ties and bare feet. and my aunt pam put all our memories together and read this at the funeral.**

Where Grandmother Is

Heaven probably looks a lot like Midway to Grandmother. She spent her entire life on one dirt road and wouldn’t have had it any other way. She loved this community and every grain of sand and blade of grass that makes it up. Where Grandmother is, however, no chinaberry tree would DARE to drop a chinaberry on the ground, and a magnolia would NEVER shed its leaves. Chinaberries and magnolia leaves were Grandmother’s sworn enemies and she would attack them with vigor. She’s been known to rake the yard for HOURS, due to those chinaberries and magnolia leaves. The next morning, the trees would have again deposited their gifts on the ground, and Grandmother would wage battle again.

Where Grandmother is, there is ALWAYS enough food to feed a crowd. At every gathering, whether it be at her house or the church, the tables would fairly groan under the weight of all the food---and Grandmother could be counted on to say, “I hope we have enough.” She always worried that the appetites would outdo the amount of food, but of course there was always enough and, in fact, too much.

Food was central to Grandmother’s life. If you ask anyone about Grandmother, they will probably comment on her skill in the kitchen. Her memory is inextricably tied to her unparalleled talent. Who could forget Grandmother’s fried chicken, biscuits, fresh vegetables straight from her garden, sweet potato soufflĂ©, tea cakes, coconut cake, 6-layer chocolate cake----the list is fairly endless. The grandchildren will always remember Grandmother scooping ice cream into the blender in order to make her famous homemade milkshakes. Where Grandmother is, she will have plenty of time to putter around in the kitchen. I like to think of her making Granddaddy a meal in heaven. He’s been waiting 8 years for some of her cooking.

Where Grandmother is, there is always ice cream in the freezer. When my siblings and I were small we would get off the school bus, throw our books down, crawl up under the barbed-wire fence, run across the field and burst into Grandmother’s back door. She would greet us with these words: “What ya’ll hunting for---something to eat?” And of course we were. Grandmother always kept Neapolitan ice cream in the freezer for us.

Where Grandmother is, no one will ever throw away a plastic cup or plastic utensil. Every holiday, the extended family would gather for a feast, and we would bring paper products in order to cut down on the dishwashing. After the meal, we would always try to sneak the plastic cups into the trash bag without Grandmother seeing, but she always caught us. “I don’t mind washing these,” she’d say. “No need in throwing away a perfectly good cup”. And so we’d wash them and add to an ever-growing collection that we’ve kept over the years.

Where Grandmother is, a crop of sweet corn will always be bountiful, and her family will always gather around to help pick, shuck, and silk the corn. Of course, Grandmother will be the only one who will cut the corn off the cob. No matter how hard we tried, we could never cut the corn off just right. Grandmother was the expert and we all bowed to her expertise. We knew that we’d have the most wonderful tender sweet corn in the freezer. Grandmother was funny about her corn, though. She’d willingly give away all the peas and butter beans you could ask for, but she was a little less happy to part with the corn. “Let’s save the corn for something special”, she’d tell us. And come Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter, there would be a huge pot of corn on the stove.

Where Grandmother is, children will always behave and never have to be given her famous silent stare that could stop you in your tracks, or be told that “If you act ugly, I’ll crawl up under my bed and not come out.” It’s funny; I know that we all acted ugly at some point, but to my knowledge, Grandmother never did get up under that bed. If you really acted up, you just might be called a word that Grandmother may have made up---“tookey”---as in “Don’t act so tookey.” This was about as bad as you could get. Where Grandmother is, the children will always be called by their own given name the first time, as in “Pam come here”, rather than “Charl- lisa, Sheila----I MEAN PAM” Grandmother was famous for doing the roll call when she called us; she said it was because there was so many of us, but she loved us all. And I know that she did.

Where Grandmother is, Christmas morning will be a lot like it has been all her life---filled with family, excited children, a wonderful feast, a Christmas tree that Granddaddy cut himself, and a lot of love and laughter. Santa would always leave a stocking for the Grandchildren at Grandmother’s house, and Grandmother and Granddaddy would visit us early Christmas mornings to see what gifts we got and just to share in the excitement.

Where Grandmother is, no one will ever throw away a Lincoln Journal, an empty Cool Whip bowl, or a black plastic microwave dish. Everyone will rise early, work hard, and rest after lunch.

Where Grandmother is, she and Granddaddy have been reunited, and what a wonderful reunion it must be. I can just see Grandmother and Aunt Lottie smiling and talking and listening to Granddaddy and Uncle Waymon and Uncle Charlie “making music”.

They just don’t make them like my Grandmother anymore. She left a sterling example of a life well-lived and I am so proud to be her granddaughter.

5:00 news

i know you guys are as tired of hearing the changing information as we are tired of being jerked around emotionally. however, we are back to december for a moving date for yours truly. and damnit, that's when i'm going. 6 months is not a lot of time to prepare for an international move while working, having company for 2 months and taking 3 vacations, but we will do it.

the current dilemma is what to do with my car. when quoted prices from one shipping company, the charges were found to be more than i even owe on the car, so i am disinclined to do that. chris says leave it in the states, we'll come back in the summer and get it. or sell it. but i don't want to start over with a new car payment. she says the roads are too dangerous up north to drive it there in december. anyone got any bright ideas?

wow, moving is going to be interesting, and i don't even have that much stuff! i love my mom so much that i'm going to let her have my dark cherry queen sleigh bed. sniff. so that's all the news for now. i gotta go work hard for the money.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

when it rains, it pours

so in the last 7 days: my great grandmother died, the CRNBC refuses to return my calls or emails, i locked my keys in my car and paid a ridiculous amount of $$ for a preschooler to get them out in 3 minutes flat, chris and i found out it will take more than 12 months for me to be able to come to prince rupert permanently so i am stuck here, and basically everyone has bailed on me for pride weekend. i can't get anyone to switch shifts this weekend, so my best friend is going to be pissed off at me that i can't come to her housewarming party. the one plan i had for my day off fell through because of a misunderstanding. yesterday my manager told me she changed my schedule and put me on to work july 5th. that's the day chris gets here for the summer. also the day i have annual comps.

what. the. fuck.

i am distraught, but at the same time, i am so jaded and pissed off that i almost don't give a shit about anyfuckingthing. i'll go to pride by myself. i'm not going to be 10 minutes from the park and not go. i have no idea what i'll do about the next 12 months. i'm screwed for living arrangements. when december rolls around, i'll be short one roommate and still have 6 months left on my lease. i'll have to totally bail on something work-related in order to pick my fiancee up at the airport. oh yeah, and i'm scheduling oral surgery to have all 4 of my wisdom teeth extracted, which i cannot afford. somebody just shoot me, please.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


this is me and my baby bruddah on his 5th birthday. he will be 13 in one month. i fear i may have missed his childhood because i was too busy trying to escape my own. s-e-l-f-i-s-h. that's how i feel today. regretful.

Monday, June 12, 2006

you asked for it

yes, i got new hair. this is what it looks like.


i came across these photos while going through my old stuff at home.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

the weekend

the circumstances that brought us together were sorrowful, but we were glad to be in the company of one another.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

au revoir

gone x a few days.
no phone.
no internet.
death in the family.