Tuesday, May 02, 2006

lose/lose

why does everyone close to me want all or nothing? do people who love you honestly have the right to give you ultimatums to choose them or another person? i didn't think so. then please tell me why the hell those closest to me always seem to resort to that tactic. am i REALLY in such abhorrently short supply that i can only entertain a relationship, a friendship, an acquaintance, with one person at a time? maybe i missed the memo. i am sick and fucking tired of people saying to me "it's me or them." it wasn't fucking cute when i was 16. it's not fucking cute now.

why is it that i can't be honest? because you are embarrassed by the truth? yeah, you and my mom both. so that means i should just lie, about stupid, insignificant shit, right? i answer myspace survey questions honestly and you are pissed off because i didn't make something up or delete that question. why is there a double standard here? why can you be honest in bulletins, why can you have a romantic relationship, children, build goals with another person, yet begrudge me all these things?

why do you have all the control? oh yeah, because i let you. i wanted you to be the adult. my bad. you did the not-doing. you turned the world upside down with your confessions. you told me everything you needed to say to make yourself feel better, without preparing for the consequences it would bring. you have no control over other people, but you do have control over your reactions to them. you chose to let the truth hurt you; to torture yourself with my words that were meant as just that: words. conversations. you know? those things friends share. you picked this fight. completely. it was out of left fucking field! i don't even know where you came from with this shit. nothing i could say in return would have de-escalated it. you wanted to fight. so there it is. i tried to be rational, calm. again, not what you wanted. okay then. if you get to do whatever the hell you want to do, then so do i.

i am not mother teresa. i am not the best fucking friend in the history of the world. i'm human, just like everybody else. but i HAVE been considerably patient, exceptionally understanding, and calm in situations where other people would've lost their shit months ago. i didn't CHOOSE to change every dynamic in this friendship. i didn't CHOOSE for things to get completely awkward, emotional, or hopeless. i chose to try my hardest to still be a supportive friend. to overlook the fact that you were fucking with MY feelings, too. i tried. that's all i could do.

"i'm fucked up, i'm fucked up, i'm fucked up" well what the hell do you want me to do? "i don't know." okay. the end. why are you still looking to me for answers? i didn't start this. we are not here because of me. i never ONCE had an answer.

i think it's absolute bullshit that people go OFF THEIR ROCKERS and push me into a corner where the ONLY thing to do is walk away. i don't want to lose friends. shit, i don't have that many to begin with. i would never intentionally pick a fight or push someone away.

you want to blame me? go ahead. blame me for every fucked up thing. for every bad feeling. i can't stop you. go ahead. i'd rather you hate me than live in this limbo. at least then i know where i stand.

i am sorry for wasting your valuable time. i am sorry for asking for more than you could give. i am sorry for anytime you hurt, but i will not own that pain because in the end, we all choose our own reactions. yes, even me. i am sorry for not having all the answers. but i am not sorry for trying with all my body and soul to be your friend. fighting the losing battle: story of my life. blame me. hate me. resent me. i don't care anymore.

5 comments:

alan said...

So many times I could have written this in my 50 years; so many times I should have!

I don't know who or why, but I'm sorry they pushed you 'til you got here...

Thinking of you!

alan

puhpaul said...

Wow, that's hard. We all try to be peacemakers and to appease those we care about. But, in the end, it's like you said, we can't control how other people feel. We can only control our own reactions. I'm sorry that your friend put you in that position and I hope your world gets brighter. Just remember, it's only a week and a bit until Chris is with you again.

paul

scribble said...

wow hon I am so sorry you are going through this.
You have every right to say and do what you please.
fuck em.

Jan said...

feel it, own it....just be yourself.
that's all anyone can ask, that's all you can ask of yourself.
Sorry, I haven't been around.
I have been reading just not replying...

Traci said...

Awww, honey, I am sorry this is happening in your world. Nobody deserves shit like this. It's important for you to be true to yourself my dear...you know this already...I'm glad Chris will be with you soon. Please know I'm thinking of you. Do you realize that when you are in Canada, you will only be like 7 hours away from me?