there have been many people in my life whose presence was divine. people who may not know it. or those who don't understand because i've failed at communication. my biggest flaw by far...for the past 5 years i have managed to dance on the borderline of retardation when it comes to communicating with the ones i love. each year, i would think "this has only been a recent occurrence..." now, many years and no improvement later, i must face the fact that i haven't inched, even the tiniest bit, forward. a gift from my dad, perhaps? my family would say yes. the master of failed communication.
writing makes it a bit easier. i can be ridiculously verbose, grasping with outstretched fingers to employ every possible adjective in a vain attempt to display the array of my emotions. if i were the reader, i would be bored with myself. this thought flows through my subconscience when i'm speaking, too. i hurry through explanations and stories, thinking "if i were listening to this, i would just want me to shut up." so more often than not, i keep my thoughts to myself, and it has commonly been mistaken for snobbiness, which of course is not the case.
and so there are people, some of whom may never know that they mean the world to me. there are people who i am desperate to reach. reach out to. reach into. know better. and those people will never know that i can't think enough of myself to believe that i am worthy of their kindness.