Saturday, May 27, 2006

human or divine? can't human be divine?

there have been many people in my life whose presence was divine. people who may not know it. or those who don't understand because i've failed at communication. my biggest flaw by far...for the past 5 years i have managed to dance on the borderline of retardation when it comes to communicating with the ones i love. each year, i would think "this has only been a recent occurrence..." now, many years and no improvement later, i must face the fact that i haven't inched, even the tiniest bit, forward. a gift from my dad, perhaps? my family would say yes. the master of failed communication.

writing makes it a bit easier. i can be ridiculously verbose, grasping with outstretched fingers to employ every possible adjective in a vain attempt to display the array of my emotions. if i were the reader, i would be bored with myself. this thought flows through my subconscience when i'm speaking, too. i hurry through explanations and stories, thinking "if i were listening to this, i would just want me to shut up." so more often than not, i keep my thoughts to myself, and it has commonly been mistaken for snobbiness, which of course is not the case.

and so there are people, some of whom may never know that they mean the world to me. there are people who i am desperate to reach. reach out to. reach into. know better. and those people will never know that i can't think enough of myself to believe that i am worthy of their kindness.

7 comments:

Traci said...

Well sweetheart, this is an amazing piece of writing. I would never think of you as snobby. I do, however, understand what you're saying because sometimes I talk faster or just stop altogether after the thought goes through my head "why on earth do you think anyone would want to hear this?" You are most definitely human AND divine my dear. MWAH!

Puffer said...

i think the way you communicate is awesome
i love the letter u wrote me
how u express urself is something
i am not talented at
i love u
u always inspire
me.

alan said...

Having been told by my wife that I talk too slowly when telling stories, I try not to most of the time. Especially to her family!

You are such a wonderful, vibrant, heartwarming person I don't know how anyone could think anything other than kind thoughts of you! That you share your life with us is a source of inspiration in so many ways; thank you!

alan

Snades said...

The kindness you give to others is returned. That's karma. And those who love you will always see the best of your stories, your words, your actions, you.

puhpaul said...

Whoa, Alan and snades are pretty smart cookies. I can't think of anything better to tell you than what they said. I agree with them whole-heartedly.

paul

Jen said...

I am certain that there are many others out there who feel the same way about you. They feel unworthy of YOUR kindness and selfless acts. It's all a circle, what goes around comes back. You do deserve it.

23hotflash said...

I know you love me! I have a blog!! ~SJ