Tuesday, May 30, 2006

light

tanna called me this morning. said "guess where i am?! i'm at giuseppi's, that place we ate dinner at that time on hilton head and then you took us to get ice cream down the road. and grace got chocolate, but you were too full to get any. and the lightning bugs were out, and we all fell asleep in your car before we got home."

that was 4 years ago.

sometimes it's downright scary how similar we are.









i miss my girls. worse than ever.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

human or divine? can't human be divine?

there have been many people in my life whose presence was divine. people who may not know it. or those who don't understand because i've failed at communication. my biggest flaw by far...for the past 5 years i have managed to dance on the borderline of retardation when it comes to communicating with the ones i love. each year, i would think "this has only been a recent occurrence..." now, many years and no improvement later, i must face the fact that i haven't inched, even the tiniest bit, forward. a gift from my dad, perhaps? my family would say yes. the master of failed communication.

writing makes it a bit easier. i can be ridiculously verbose, grasping with outstretched fingers to employ every possible adjective in a vain attempt to display the array of my emotions. if i were the reader, i would be bored with myself. this thought flows through my subconscience when i'm speaking, too. i hurry through explanations and stories, thinking "if i were listening to this, i would just want me to shut up." so more often than not, i keep my thoughts to myself, and it has commonly been mistaken for snobbiness, which of course is not the case.

and so there are people, some of whom may never know that they mean the world to me. there are people who i am desperate to reach. reach out to. reach into. know better. and those people will never know that i can't think enough of myself to believe that i am worthy of their kindness.

Monday, May 22, 2006

and then there was one

the days came and went in the blink of an eye. when she goes it is always with an ache whose intensity is so deep that i fear my soul will collapse. it sounds adolescent and puppy-lovish, i get that. the thing that amazes me daily is that it's so much deeper and bigger than that. you remember in high school, the first time you felt love? you thought you could fly, every love song made sense...then you learn that it's not forever, there will be other people, some naivety is lost. the certainty of this inside my spirit is so different. it felt like coming home. my heart is calm and certain. i feel whole in a way i never dreamed i could. hell, i didn't even know that i felt incomplete before. i have been filled right up with her. so the inconvenience of a (really) long distance relationship is just a necessary evil for the time being. we are working on the cure right now. but until then, my heart screams "this is wrong" every time i leave her. and days like today are the hardest days. she will be back soon for the summer. my heart holds on to that.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

six flags

went to six flags
chris didn't get sick
after we coastered our brains out
we went to the water park
rode water slides in our clothes
squished around the park for 2 hrs
our inner children were happy.




Friday, May 19, 2006

Monday, May 15, 2006









from the mouths of my brother and mother

(on the 2nd day with us)

taylor: if she's going to be happy with someone, i'm glad it's with chris.
my mom: me too.



















































Friday, May 05, 2006

my pulse



she's going to be here in 6 days. i'm psyched, my family's psyched, she's ballistic...all this pent up emotion is going to explode when we all finally get to the same place. there will be hundreds upon hundreds of pictures, i'm sure. i have my d60 and new lens in tow. maybe this year i'll actually make it into some of the photos instead of taking them all. either way, good times are on the way. with her. she IS the fun.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

sinternet

which ones of you blog-happy folks are on myspace? yeah, i'm much too lazy to search for each name individually. if i know you, add me. i love y'all!

http://www.myspace.com/smuch

(pb, i got u covered)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

lose/lose

why does everyone close to me want all or nothing? do people who love you honestly have the right to give you ultimatums to choose them or another person? i didn't think so. then please tell me why the hell those closest to me always seem to resort to that tactic. am i REALLY in such abhorrently short supply that i can only entertain a relationship, a friendship, an acquaintance, with one person at a time? maybe i missed the memo. i am sick and fucking tired of people saying to me "it's me or them." it wasn't fucking cute when i was 16. it's not fucking cute now.

why is it that i can't be honest? because you are embarrassed by the truth? yeah, you and my mom both. so that means i should just lie, about stupid, insignificant shit, right? i answer myspace survey questions honestly and you are pissed off because i didn't make something up or delete that question. why is there a double standard here? why can you be honest in bulletins, why can you have a romantic relationship, children, build goals with another person, yet begrudge me all these things?

why do you have all the control? oh yeah, because i let you. i wanted you to be the adult. my bad. you did the not-doing. you turned the world upside down with your confessions. you told me everything you needed to say to make yourself feel better, without preparing for the consequences it would bring. you have no control over other people, but you do have control over your reactions to them. you chose to let the truth hurt you; to torture yourself with my words that were meant as just that: words. conversations. you know? those things friends share. you picked this fight. completely. it was out of left fucking field! i don't even know where you came from with this shit. nothing i could say in return would have de-escalated it. you wanted to fight. so there it is. i tried to be rational, calm. again, not what you wanted. okay then. if you get to do whatever the hell you want to do, then so do i.

i am not mother teresa. i am not the best fucking friend in the history of the world. i'm human, just like everybody else. but i HAVE been considerably patient, exceptionally understanding, and calm in situations where other people would've lost their shit months ago. i didn't CHOOSE to change every dynamic in this friendship. i didn't CHOOSE for things to get completely awkward, emotional, or hopeless. i chose to try my hardest to still be a supportive friend. to overlook the fact that you were fucking with MY feelings, too. i tried. that's all i could do.

"i'm fucked up, i'm fucked up, i'm fucked up" well what the hell do you want me to do? "i don't know." okay. the end. why are you still looking to me for answers? i didn't start this. we are not here because of me. i never ONCE had an answer.

i think it's absolute bullshit that people go OFF THEIR ROCKERS and push me into a corner where the ONLY thing to do is walk away. i don't want to lose friends. shit, i don't have that many to begin with. i would never intentionally pick a fight or push someone away.

you want to blame me? go ahead. blame me for every fucked up thing. for every bad feeling. i can't stop you. go ahead. i'd rather you hate me than live in this limbo. at least then i know where i stand.

i am sorry for wasting your valuable time. i am sorry for asking for more than you could give. i am sorry for anytime you hurt, but i will not own that pain because in the end, we all choose our own reactions. yes, even me. i am sorry for not having all the answers. but i am not sorry for trying with all my body and soul to be your friend. fighting the losing battle: story of my life. blame me. hate me. resent me. i don't care anymore.