Saturday, February 11, 2006

so...

where to start...it's been a busy time in my life. little recap: i graduated on december 9th, then chris visited for a week, by then it was christmas, new year's, i moved to atlanta on january 14th, took a 3-day n-clex review class, began my new job, took my national boards, passed, came out to my sister.... that's a very sparse overview.

so this weekend was going to be my time to relax and enjoy the knowledge that i'll never have to take american boards again, but it wouldn't be my life if it didn't include stress. my stepdad is coming to visit me tomorrow. i've already told him that i want to talk to him without my mom around, because i'll talk to them both next weekend...i told him i thought she would freak out, and i wanted to give him the opportunity to talk with me separately and rationally (my mom's not all that rational). so i'm going to tell him that i'm gay, let him ask me any questions if he wants to, and ask his advice about how he thinks i should approach telling my mother. i'll tell her next weekend. then it will spread like wildfire. i won't even have a chance to tell any other relatives. they'll hear it through the grapevine.

i've been reading the book i ordered for them, "straight parents, gay children: keeping families together." the title sounded like something that my mom wouldn't be COMPLETELY opposed to reading. although it does make good points, it comes across like a pflag brochure. pflag, pflag, pflag is everywhere. it's like an infomercial for them. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i'd love for my parents to use pflag as a resource, but i think the book just comes on so strongly that it might actually push them away from giving it a chance. so i'm debating whether or not to give it to them. i guess it can't hurt.

i'm really nervous about talking to my dad tomorrow. for those who don't know: to differentiate between my biological father and my step father, we call our biological father "my father" or "real daddy." we call our stepdad "dad," and "daddy." it's a little confusing. anyway, i am nervous about talking to him. i'm not even really sure what i want to say, and instead of trying to think it through, i've spent the weekend avoiding the thought. i don't even know how to bring it up. he knows he's coming here specifically to discuss something with me that i don't want my mom to know yet. he's probably expecting the absolute worst. he may totally expect this. but i don't want to be like "thanks for coming. i'm gay." i mean, it's not like there's an instruction book on how to do this. i think i'll have some wine before he gets here. i just hope i don't cry. crying will bring back memories of high school and my inability to talk to them rationally without bursting into tears. any advice tonight is welcomed. anyone wanting to help me avoid the topic by doing something fun tonight too, call me.

7 comments:

www.kimmy.cc said...

I'm so happy for you, you should never have to hide who you are.

Be strong sweety.

i actually stood up a little to my dad last night!

small wonders

puhpaul said...

I don't know what to say that would help, but you have my best wishes. Of course you could start with a joke; as he walks to the couch you could say, "everyone who is visiting his straight daughter sit down..............not so fast dad."
Nah probably wouldn't go over well. Or, you could say, "dad, I'm in love with a teacher named Chris. I'm going to move to Canada to be with her." The joy at the "in love" part will please him, the "move to Canada" thing will shock him, and with luck he won't notice the "her" part until he calms down from the "Canada" thing. By that time he might be more accepting of the gay part. LOL

Good luck it really is a tough thing you are about to do. Just remember, you have an army of people that are pulling for you.

Jen said...

Camille,
I am sending you all the strength I can tonight.
You are a wonderful person, that above all else is what matters.
We are all in your corner!
Jen

SassyFemme said...

Thinking lots and lots of good thoughts for you!!!!

scribble said...

hey girl, thinking of you today.
You'll do fine, somehow the words will come.
Hug him and tell him nothing has changed, he has just been gifted with your truth. One of the first to know, because you value him and want him to know the real you.
You have all my support in this.

thanks for yours in return. Your post touched me so much.

Traci said...

Oh sweetie, I know this is a day late however I want you to know I'm thinking of you right now. Your dad loves you baby...this may or may not be a shock to him...he will love you anyway and it will all work out. I don't have any suggestions for you. Just know that you are not alone. (((((Camille)))))

puhpaul said...

Umm, how did it go? (He asks while typing with fingers crossed.)