Tuesday, February 28, 2006

on a night like this

having to completely sever your ties with someone and continue living your life without them as a part of it sucks, but is a necessary evil for most people. there will always be those who don't grow and change at the same rate as you, and out of sheer self-preservation, you are forced to make drastic changes. what sucks even more is when your life-long friends and siblings are hanging out with the exes (ex friends, ex girlfriends) and you are torn...between wanting to continue to share and be open with said friends, and needing to continue to keep your life separate from the lives of those who have been removed with good reason. sigh. so here we sit. or here i sit. at home while these people, some still in my life, some not, hang out and have a good time. and i stay home and wish that things had never gotten so complicated. my best friend told me to suck it up and make up. it's not that simple. there are reasons close to my heart and convictions that will prevent that from ever happening, and i am not sorry for it. i am only sorry to find myself and the people in my life in this tangled mess.

for this reason along with many others, i am very much looking forward to my upcoming move. i need a change. yes, moving to atlanta from a small town was a change. yes, getting a job at the one and only place i applied which happens to be one of the top 6 pediatric hospitals in the country was a change. but not big enough. not far enough. i'm not running. we could stay here and build a life devoid of negativity. however, my soul is yearning for something new. new people, new places, new opportunities. georgia, all my life, has been my home, my solace. it still is. but this drama is not. i find myself retreating back to my roots. wanting to be home in a pasture of buttercups, looking to my family for guidance and acceptance. other things are blurring inconsequentially. for now, i will hold on to that which i know: country fields, georgian beaches, familiar smells of my aunt pam's clean sheets and the woods at deer run point. it is a strange sensation: to accept and yearn for the impending changes, yet hold so tightly to my past. but it is comforting, nonetheless.


Anonymous said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry this is happening. I'd give you the biggest hug ever if I were there. I understand completely about the yearning for change and yet hanging onto the past. I'm thinking of you my friend. Peace.

Jen said...

Oh, I hear you!
Here's to finding your buttercups...soon

Puffer said...

We are ready for it.
It will take time
there is peace in change.
i am ready for us to be
in one spot. The next few
months will be busy
but change is coming.
Georgia will always be home
for u that will never change.
It will be my second home and
I find peace in knowing that.

for_the_lonely said...

I know change all too well. You are most certianly ready for it. " To everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn..." Sometimes, we have to make change, let go, and move on so we can flourish. I have let go of so much..a lot of which is still raw and hurts, but in the long run, it was for the best. I wish you all the best ...stay strong ...you can never go wrong when you follow your heart.


scribble said...

it's all so hard and yet so worth it.
You have all our support.
You are adored, as always.

Sarah said...

wow, I read this post just in time. I needed to read it. I am in the mess you talk about right now with friends. I am not usually open with a lot of people. I opened up, spread my wings and flew right into a wall of crap with a friend I thought would be there for a long time to come. she is going through a break-up right now with her g/f and her g/f told her that I said something and, of course, I didn't. She didn't even ask me, just believed her g/f and cut me out of her life. NICE. So how am I supposed to deal with that? I walked away from the unneeded drama and tried making new friends...but I'm still sad.