Tuesday, February 28, 2006

on a night like this

having to completely sever your ties with someone and continue living your life without them as a part of it sucks, but is a necessary evil for most people. there will always be those who don't grow and change at the same rate as you, and out of sheer self-preservation, you are forced to make drastic changes. what sucks even more is when your life-long friends and siblings are hanging out with the exes (ex friends, ex girlfriends) and you are torn...between wanting to continue to share and be open with said friends, and needing to continue to keep your life separate from the lives of those who have been removed with good reason. sigh. so here we sit. or here i sit. at home while these people, some still in my life, some not, hang out and have a good time. and i stay home and wish that things had never gotten so complicated. my best friend told me to suck it up and make up. it's not that simple. there are reasons close to my heart and convictions that will prevent that from ever happening, and i am not sorry for it. i am only sorry to find myself and the people in my life in this tangled mess.

for this reason along with many others, i am very much looking forward to my upcoming move. i need a change. yes, moving to atlanta from a small town was a change. yes, getting a job at the one and only place i applied which happens to be one of the top 6 pediatric hospitals in the country was a change. but not big enough. not far enough. i'm not running. we could stay here and build a life devoid of negativity. however, my soul is yearning for something new. new people, new places, new opportunities. georgia, all my life, has been my home, my solace. it still is. but this drama is not. i find myself retreating back to my roots. wanting to be home in a pasture of buttercups, looking to my family for guidance and acceptance. other things are blurring inconsequentially. for now, i will hold on to that which i know: country fields, georgian beaches, familiar smells of my aunt pam's clean sheets and the woods at deer run point. it is a strange sensation: to accept and yearn for the impending changes, yet hold so tightly to my past. but it is comforting, nonetheless.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

yellow.




Friday, February 24, 2006

i lied. sue me.

i've got to go out of town unexpectedly to be wined and dined by my favorite aunt and uncle. we are long overdue for quality time. i know, i know, this blog is too. i WILL get to it. sleep well knowing my family has been AWESOME and every single day they continue to overwhelm me with love and support. i was prepared for the absolute worst, and they have come through in ways i never would've DREAMED to DARE to imagine they could. i'm serious. i've hardly been able to bask in the relief yet, i've spent so much time being overwhelmed by the facts. i'm still in that place where i've spent so many years mentally preparing for the worst of the WORST, that i cannot even force myself to accept the reality before me. i am lucky. we are lucky. and loved.

yesssssss

i will update tonight. i promise!!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

the end. or the beginning. it's all the same.






















we grow bigger and taller, but we never actually grow up. i've heard it's possible to, but i've just never met anyone who actually has. without our parents to defy we'll break the rules we set for ourselves. we'll throw temper tantrums when things don't go our way. we'll whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. we'll look for comfort wherever we can find it, and like children, we'll never give up hope.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

comment section wish list

Okay, here's the deal. The person above you in the comment section makes a wish ("I wish I had a banana!"), and then the person below grants your wish, and then wishes something else, but here's the fun part: Your wish is messed up! Example: crazylady----I wish I had a banana. Hippo----Granted, but the banana tastes bad. I wish I had a ticket to a concert. Susie----Granted, but it's a Barney concert. I wish...

i'll start it off: i wish i was at the beach right now...

Monday, February 13, 2006

Sunday, February 12, 2006

shape of my heart




so i told him. it took less than 30 minutes for him to come in, sit down, talk briefly, then leave after patting me on the back. yeah. it wasn't terrible, but in my book it certainly wasn't good. he basically told me he didn't take my "choice" seriously. that i was limiting myself, i just hadn't given heterosexual relationships enough of a chance, and that he didn't take mine and chris's relationship seriously. i told him that i'd known for several years, i had crushes on girls all through my adolesence, and that i was in a committed relationship. he said i didn't necessarily have to tell my mom. i am telling her on sunday (one week from today). he blamed my ex boyfriend from high school for causing me to be "this way." i didn't tell him that i'm moving and getting married. it seemed too much. beth said, "when your ass is on a plane to canada this summer, he'll be like 'well i guess she was serious.'" their reaction or lack of understanding right now is beyond my control. i am sad for the absence of support, but not surprised. next week will be 100 times worse. my mom is an emotional roller coaster. she has no idea. the good news is that i can come in, tell her, and leave when it gets too out of control. the bad news is that i will have a difficult time not taking it to heart, trying to fall asleep that night without having an awful empty feeling in my stomach. no i love you's, no "you're my daughter, i want you to be happy" phrases. none today, and none next week. not from them. not anytime in the near future.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

so...

where to start...it's been a busy time in my life. little recap: i graduated on december 9th, then chris visited for a week, by then it was christmas, new year's, i moved to atlanta on january 14th, took a 3-day n-clex review class, began my new job, took my national boards, passed, came out to my sister.... that's a very sparse overview.

so this weekend was going to be my time to relax and enjoy the knowledge that i'll never have to take american boards again, but it wouldn't be my life if it didn't include stress. my stepdad is coming to visit me tomorrow. i've already told him that i want to talk to him without my mom around, because i'll talk to them both next weekend...i told him i thought she would freak out, and i wanted to give him the opportunity to talk with me separately and rationally (my mom's not all that rational). so i'm going to tell him that i'm gay, let him ask me any questions if he wants to, and ask his advice about how he thinks i should approach telling my mother. i'll tell her next weekend. then it will spread like wildfire. i won't even have a chance to tell any other relatives. they'll hear it through the grapevine.

i've been reading the book i ordered for them, "straight parents, gay children: keeping families together." the title sounded like something that my mom wouldn't be COMPLETELY opposed to reading. although it does make good points, it comes across like a pflag brochure. pflag, pflag, pflag is everywhere. it's like an infomercial for them. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i'd love for my parents to use pflag as a resource, but i think the book just comes on so strongly that it might actually push them away from giving it a chance. so i'm debating whether or not to give it to them. i guess it can't hurt.

i'm really nervous about talking to my dad tomorrow. for those who don't know: to differentiate between my biological father and my step father, we call our biological father "my father" or "real daddy." we call our stepdad "dad," and "daddy." it's a little confusing. anyway, i am nervous about talking to him. i'm not even really sure what i want to say, and instead of trying to think it through, i've spent the weekend avoiding the thought. i don't even know how to bring it up. he knows he's coming here specifically to discuss something with me that i don't want my mom to know yet. he's probably expecting the absolute worst. he may totally expect this. but i don't want to be like "thanks for coming. i'm gay." i mean, it's not like there's an instruction book on how to do this. i think i'll have some wine before he gets here. i just hope i don't cry. crying will bring back memories of high school and my inability to talk to them rationally without bursting into tears. any advice tonight is welcomed. anyone wanting to help me avoid the topic by doing something fun tonight too, call me.

Friday, February 10, 2006

YAY!!!!
















amanda has been FOUND! thank goodness!! she is living proof: virtual milk cartons DO work! and get this: hoochie mama was just down the effin' STREET from me! gotta love the irony in my life.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

camille, RN

i fucking PASSED!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

nail in my coffin

i take my boards at 8:30 tomorrow morning. i don't think i've ever been so stressed. don't plan to hear from me until at least lunchtime on wednesday, when i can hopefully find out my results. mojo, y'all. i need it. ALL of it.

Friday, February 03, 2006

where oh WHERE?!

amanda!!! where are you?? my friend amanda has gone missing. her email address doesn't work; she said no thanks to myspace...i am utterly distraught at my inability to communicate with her. if you have seen her, please let me know. or amanda if you are reading this you better get in touch with me!! i am having withdrawals!!

if i could put a milk carton on blogger, this is what would be on the back of it:
















Wednesday, February 01, 2006

insane in the membrane

i've been ridiculously busy, y'all. new place, new job, i take boards on monday, been coming out to relatives... cautiously avoiding those who would let it slip and make it back to my parents. yes, i'm telling the parents. i'm planning to have some time with my dad next weekend and i'll tell him, then ask his opinion about what to do about my mother. i'm under just a little bit of stress. i don't like this transition period. i'm not a student, but i don't have my license yet so i can't call myself an RN until wednesday (if and when i pass my boards); what i can and can't do at the hospital is a little blurry until i get those test results, which affects my schedule a bit. to say the least, i do not feel very stable. i'm worried about $$, my parents' rejection, passing my boards...THEN after i make it past those obstacles, i have the privilege of orchestrating my international move, our wedding, passing canadian boards, and finding a new job there.

don't get me wrong: i'm NOT complaining here. i have felt guilty lately for always venting on blogger and never posting happy entries. i'm just letting you guys know what's going on so you'll understand why i'm not around as much as i might otherwise be. i will try to keep updated as much as possible. but please don't disappear. i love you guys to death and i love knowing what's going on with y'all. you are my online family. my arial ghosts. and i love you. ALL OF YOU!!

yeah!

sj (today): you are always so considerate of other people's feelings, which is something i really admire about you. why is it that no one ever seems to care about yours?

something to think about...