Tuesday, February 28, 2006
for this reason along with many others, i am very much looking forward to my upcoming move. i need a change. yes, moving to atlanta from a small town was a change. yes, getting a job at the one and only place i applied which happens to be one of the top 6 pediatric hospitals in the country was a change. but not big enough. not far enough. i'm not running. we could stay here and build a life devoid of negativity. however, my soul is yearning for something new. new people, new places, new opportunities. georgia, all my life, has been my home, my solace. it still is. but this drama is not. i find myself retreating back to my roots. wanting to be home in a pasture of buttercups, looking to my family for guidance and acceptance. other things are blurring inconsequentially. for now, i will hold on to that which i know: country fields, georgian beaches, familiar smells of my aunt pam's clean sheets and the woods at deer run point. it is a strange sensation: to accept and yearn for the impending changes, yet hold so tightly to my past. but it is comforting, nonetheless.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
we grow bigger and taller, but we never actually grow up. i've heard it's possible to, but i've just never met anyone who actually has. without our parents to defy we'll break the rules we set for ourselves. we'll throw temper tantrums when things don't go our way. we'll whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. we'll look for comfort wherever we can find it, and like children, we'll never give up hope.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
i'll start it off: i wish i was at the beach right now...
Sunday, February 12, 2006
so i told him. it took less than 30 minutes for him to come in, sit down, talk briefly, then leave after patting me on the back. yeah. it wasn't terrible, but in my book it certainly wasn't good. he basically told me he didn't take my "choice" seriously. that i was limiting myself, i just hadn't given heterosexual relationships enough of a chance, and that he didn't take mine and chris's relationship seriously. i told him that i'd known for several years, i had crushes on girls all through my adolesence, and that i was in a committed relationship. he said i didn't necessarily have to tell my mom. i am telling her on sunday (one week from today). he blamed my ex boyfriend from high school for causing me to be "this way." i didn't tell him that i'm moving and getting married. it seemed too much. beth said, "when your ass is on a plane to canada this summer, he'll be like 'well i guess she was serious.'" their reaction or lack of understanding right now is beyond my control. i am sad for the absence of support, but not surprised. next week will be 100 times worse. my mom is an emotional roller coaster. she has no idea. the good news is that i can come in, tell her, and leave when it gets too out of control. the bad news is that i will have a difficult time not taking it to heart, trying to fall asleep that night without having an awful empty feeling in my stomach. no i love you's, no "you're my daughter, i want you to be happy" phrases. none today, and none next week. not from them. not anytime in the near future.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
so this weekend was going to be my time to relax and enjoy the knowledge that i'll never have to take american boards again, but it wouldn't be my life if it didn't include stress. my stepdad is coming to visit me tomorrow. i've already told him that i want to talk to him without my mom around, because i'll talk to them both next weekend...i told him i thought she would freak out, and i wanted to give him the opportunity to talk with me separately and rationally (my mom's not all that rational). so i'm going to tell him that i'm gay, let him ask me any questions if he wants to, and ask his advice about how he thinks i should approach telling my mother. i'll tell her next weekend. then it will spread like wildfire. i won't even have a chance to tell any other relatives. they'll hear it through the grapevine.
i've been reading the book i ordered for them, "straight parents, gay children: keeping families together." the title sounded like something that my mom wouldn't be COMPLETELY opposed to reading. although it does make good points, it comes across like a pflag brochure. pflag, pflag, pflag is everywhere. it's like an infomercial for them. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i'd love for my parents to use pflag as a resource, but i think the book just comes on so strongly that it might actually push them away from giving it a chance. so i'm debating whether or not to give it to them. i guess it can't hurt.
i'm really nervous about talking to my dad tomorrow. for those who don't know: to differentiate between my biological father and my step father, we call our biological father "my father" or "real daddy." we call our stepdad "dad," and "daddy." it's a little confusing. anyway, i am nervous about talking to him. i'm not even really sure what i want to say, and instead of trying to think it through, i've spent the weekend avoiding the thought. i don't even know how to bring it up. he knows he's coming here specifically to discuss something with me that i don't want my mom to know yet. he's probably expecting the absolute worst. he may totally expect this. but i don't want to be like "thanks for coming. i'm gay." i mean, it's not like there's an instruction book on how to do this. i think i'll have some wine before he gets here. i just hope i don't cry. crying will bring back memories of high school and my inability to talk to them rationally without bursting into tears. any advice tonight is welcomed. anyone wanting to help me avoid the topic by doing something fun tonight too, call me.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
if i could put a milk carton on blogger, this is what would be on the back of it:
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
don't get me wrong: i'm NOT complaining here. i have felt guilty lately for always venting on blogger and never posting happy entries. i'm just letting you guys know what's going on so you'll understand why i'm not around as much as i might otherwise be. i will try to keep updated as much as possible. but please don't disappear. i love you guys to death and i love knowing what's going on with y'all. you are my online family. my arial ghosts. and i love you. ALL OF YOU!!