Sunday, January 01, 2006

in the broad light of day

there is validity to wanting what you cannot have. i have known it. i have seen it. i have felt it. i won't pretend to understand it.

i have no profound thoughts on the subject. hardly any thoughts at all. just emotion, as is my plight these days. it strikes me with an oppressive sadness. the kind that makes you wonder if your very chest might collapse with the exhaustive weight of so much disappointment.

unconditional love is possible. i have it for many people. a few of whom i know aren't deserving, nevertheless i refuse to relinquish the emotion. rather it refuses to leave my heart. when my mother told me she could not look at me without disgust, that she was glad my papa was dead because she could not bear for him to know me, that she would never love me, i wanted with all of my spirit to hate her. it brought me to my knees to know that i couldn't. yet others believe that they might somehow lose my approval, my admiration, my love by some slight of fate, coincidence, life...a piece of their history, when just the opposite is true. it enriches their character, brightens the glow around them, and allows me to understand them more deeply and love them more steadfastly.

to leave your heart open is to risk having it ravaged. to close it is to never know what might have been. which is worse? in the end, i'm happy to have cared so deeply for so many. to spend your life waiting for others to reciprocate is surely wasted time. i know better. then again, to learn that someone unexpectedly does care throws everything off balance. takes away my ability to give without expectation, makes it harder to justify lost time. you might think that i don't appreciate it, but that's not it. i can't wrap my head around it. at all. i am the one who loves unconditionally, not the one who is loved.

to hope is to be let down. to hope for nothing is to be pleasantly surprised at least some of the time. to not dare to hope for something, and then get it: too much.

**Note to readers: This post is not about coming out to my parents. I still haven't done that. My mother said those things to me six years ago. Sorry for the confusion.**

6 comments:

Puffer said...

To be loved is a good feeling
To be loved unconditionally
is what u have from me
I love you

scribble said...

Is this to mean that you have told
your family the truth of you and it
was not well recieved?
If so...
Please know that words said then, and
emotions felt, are not the end of it.
It takes time for families to come around.

It's just a sad fact. It took my mom years and years. Some family members still will not look me in the eye.

It takes not one thing away from the
truth of me or my joy in being
real in my world.

I have heard those words too.
I am sorry.

puhpaul said...

Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I glad you had the strength to tell your mom, it took me almost 40 years to tell mine. I hope it will be as Trudy said, that your family will come around and realize that you are still the same wonderful person you have always been. All they know now is another aspect of who you are. Keep positive and know that there are a lot of people out there that love you and wish only the best for you.

for_the_lonely said...

Words cut deep..and it is hard to love unconditionally when the love is not reciprocated. I am tryin got move on from the drama of my dad, etc..but the family tie bonds are still there, and I can not manage to cut the strings...

I know how you are feeling all too well...

Know that there are those that love you...people that have known you for long periods of time, and short..and your angel Chris is your ray of light to hold on to now and forever...

You are loved my dear soul sister!

Love,
Sarah

Traci said...

I hear your words, I feel them as well. You ARE loved. Peace.

Sarah said...

You don't deserve words like that from your mother. You are a beautiful beautiful human. You deserve unconditional love!!!!!!!