there is validity to wanting what you cannot have. i have known it. i have seen it. i have felt it. i won't pretend to understand it.
i have no profound thoughts on the subject. hardly any thoughts at all. just emotion, as is my plight these days. it strikes me with an oppressive sadness. the kind that makes you wonder if your very chest might collapse with the exhaustive weight of so much disappointment.
unconditional love is possible. i have it for many people. a few of whom i know aren't deserving, nevertheless i refuse to relinquish the emotion. rather it refuses to leave my heart. when my mother told me she could not look at me without disgust, that she was glad my papa was dead because she could not bear for him to know me, that she would never love me, i wanted with all of my spirit to hate her. it brought me to my knees to know that i couldn't. yet others believe that they might somehow lose my approval, my admiration, my love by some slight of fate, coincidence, life...a piece of their history, when just the opposite is true. it enriches their character, brightens the glow around them, and allows me to understand them more deeply and love them more steadfastly.
to leave your heart open is to risk having it ravaged. to close it is to never know what might have been. which is worse? in the end, i'm happy to have cared so deeply for so many. to spend your life waiting for others to reciprocate is surely wasted time. i know better. then again, to learn that someone unexpectedly does care throws everything off balance. takes away my ability to give without expectation, makes it harder to justify lost time. you might think that i don't appreciate it, but that's not it. i can't wrap my head around it. at all. i am the one who loves unconditionally, not the one who is loved.
to hope is to be let down. to hope for nothing is to be pleasantly surprised at least some of the time. to not dare to hope for something, and then get it: too much.
**Note to readers: This post is not about coming out to my parents. I still haven't done that. My mother said those things to me six years ago. Sorry for the confusion.**