Saturday, January 28, 2006
i've spent too much time wondering why you weren't there when we needed you; why you chose other things and people over us; why you didn't care...i've wasted too much time being angry with you, and being hurt by your lack of sensitivity.
i graduated with my BSN. you came to celebrate it, and let other people joke with you about what a financial and emotional relief this must be for you, as well as me. that was bullshit. we both knew it. you didn't help me through college. you didn't share my stress, my worries, my fears. but no one spoke up to correct those people on december 9th.
i'm 23 years old daddy. why do you care now? did you wake up and realize your first born was now an adult and you missed it? all of it? did you regret hurting me to hurt my mother? do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and remember me as a toddler...the daddy's girl? did you ever watch our home movies and notice me begging for your attention, clinging to you, asking you questions, while you didn't even reply to me? do you regret buying the doll you knew i wanted more than anything and inviting me over on christmas morning to watch you give it to amber? did you ever wonder, during the silences we grew to expect, what i was thinking? what things were going through my mind that i would never say to you? maybe that's why you care now. maybe not.
i've spent my whole life being hurt, being resentful, and expecting this behavior from you. but i love you. you're still my father. maybe you wanted to laugh with me. maybe you wanted to spend time with us, but you just couldn't. maybe you wanted to be affectionate, but you forgot how to show it. maybe you did love me, but you just didn't know how to tell me. if there's a possibility that these things are true, then maybe i can learn to forgive the past and start somewhere new. maybe we can be friends. i think it's a little late for building bridges.
today i looked at you differently. not as my absent father, but as a man. just like any guy on the street. with faults. i'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and go to sleep tonight thinking perhaps you wanted all the same things i did, but for whatever reason you just could not
give them. and that's okay, daddy. for the first time in my life, that is okay.
Posted by meelo at 1:45 PM