Saturday, January 28, 2006

dear daddy

i've spent too much time wondering why you weren't there when we needed you; why you chose other things and people over us; why you didn't care...i've wasted too much time being angry with you, and being hurt by your lack of sensitivity.

i graduated with my BSN. you came to celebrate it, and let other people joke with you about what a financial and emotional relief this must be for you, as well as me. that was bullshit. we both knew it. you didn't help me through college. you didn't share my stress, my worries, my fears. but no one spoke up to correct those people on december 9th.

i'm 23 years old daddy. why do you care now? did you wake up and realize your first born was now an adult and you missed it? all of it? did you regret hurting me to hurt my mother? do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and remember me as a toddler...the daddy's girl? did you ever watch our home movies and notice me begging for your attention, clinging to you, asking you questions, while you didn't even reply to me? do you regret buying the doll you knew i wanted more than anything and inviting me over on christmas morning to watch you give it to amber? did you ever wonder, during the silences we grew to expect, what i was thinking? what things were going through my mind that i would never say to you? maybe that's why you care now. maybe not.

i've spent my whole life being hurt, being resentful, and expecting this behavior from you. but i love you. you're still my father. maybe you wanted to laugh with me. maybe you wanted to spend time with us, but you just couldn't. maybe you wanted to be affectionate, but you forgot how to show it. maybe you did love me, but you just didn't know how to tell me. if there's a possibility that these things are true, then maybe i can learn to forgive the past and start somewhere new. maybe we can be friends. i think it's a little late for building bridges.

today i looked at you differently. not as my absent father, but as a man. just like any guy on the street. with faults. i'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and go to sleep tonight thinking perhaps you wanted all the same things i did, but for whatever reason you just could not
give them. and that's okay, daddy. for the first time in my life, that is okay.


Puffer said...

I hope he knows how special you are
when parents miss the big steps
it's heartbreaking
realizing they might not know
how to parent
is huge.
You are loved by many.
Especially me:)

Anonymous said...

wow. realizing this about our parents is huge my sweet friend. i am so proud of you and yet i hurt for you as well. camille, you are a gift. i hope you realize that. you are only three and a half years older than my daughter. if you were a daughter of mine, i would treasure you forever. i would hold you close and tell you how sorry i am your father doesn't know how to be a father and then i'd tell you that i know he loves you somewhere in there, he simply doesn't know how to show it. can you tell i've had this chat before? with each of my three daughters. it hurts my heart to know my girlies are not the only girlies who just want their daddy. i love you camille. always remember, always KNOW you are a beautiful soul and so very special. peace.

for_the_lonely said...

It seems as though your father and I are from the same tree...but you know what? As hard as our struggles and head times may have been, they only make us stronger..and at least we can say that we did everything on our own. There could not be anything sweeter than that! :)

Loving you,

Wicked Wanda said...

I feel the same way about my father.
You are a little further along with the forgiving process then I am, but I've finally agreed to bring my son to meet his grandfather after he just turned 10 yrs old. It's sad, but he seems to be trying to get to know me again and I can't just turn him away.
Of coarse that all might change when he finds out that I'm gay.
Like you said...He is my father and I should give him the benefit of the doubt.
It's hard but maybe someday we'll find a happy medium.
Good luck Camille!

SassyFemme said...

Your father sounds a lot like Jennifer's. It sounds, though, that you're coming to an okay place with who he is. That's good. said...

Confronting it is good :)

FYI -- June 2-4, Fox Theatre, RENT tour :)

The Mad Hatter said...

Hi sweetie, I know its not really the same thing, but my dad died when I was a baby. When he did, his family didnt want to have contact with me. Im 27 now and they have just realised I exist. My fathers mother (I dont refer to her as my grandma) she wants me to go and see her, but Im not having any of it, if they didnt want to know me when i was growing up, then why should i bother with them now that i have my own life?

I wish you all the luck in the world with your dad sweetie x

for_the_lonely said...

Hi stranger...I miss you

Sean said...

if they didnt want to know me when i was growing up, then why should i bother with them now that i have my own life

Because you're a bigger person than they are, and you understand what it means to forgive.