Saturday, January 28, 2006

dear daddy

i've spent too much time wondering why you weren't there when we needed you; why you chose other things and people over us; why you didn't care...i've wasted too much time being angry with you, and being hurt by your lack of sensitivity.

i graduated with my BSN. you came to celebrate it, and let other people joke with you about what a financial and emotional relief this must be for you, as well as me. that was bullshit. we both knew it. you didn't help me through college. you didn't share my stress, my worries, my fears. but no one spoke up to correct those people on december 9th.

i'm 23 years old daddy. why do you care now? did you wake up and realize your first born was now an adult and you missed it? all of it? did you regret hurting me to hurt my mother? do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and remember me as a toddler...the daddy's girl? did you ever watch our home movies and notice me begging for your attention, clinging to you, asking you questions, while you didn't even reply to me? do you regret buying the doll you knew i wanted more than anything and inviting me over on christmas morning to watch you give it to amber? did you ever wonder, during the silences we grew to expect, what i was thinking? what things were going through my mind that i would never say to you? maybe that's why you care now. maybe not.

i've spent my whole life being hurt, being resentful, and expecting this behavior from you. but i love you. you're still my father. maybe you wanted to laugh with me. maybe you wanted to spend time with us, but you just couldn't. maybe you wanted to be affectionate, but you forgot how to show it. maybe you did love me, but you just didn't know how to tell me. if there's a possibility that these things are true, then maybe i can learn to forgive the past and start somewhere new. maybe we can be friends. i think it's a little late for building bridges.

today i looked at you differently. not as my absent father, but as a man. just like any guy on the street. with faults. i'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and go to sleep tonight thinking perhaps you wanted all the same things i did, but for whatever reason you just could not
give them. and that's okay, daddy. for the first time in my life, that is okay.

Friday, January 20, 2006

as true as this is

so i own not a notion
i escape and gain content
i don't own emotion,
i rent.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

sticks and stones

you would have kept those words on your tongue
if you had known the hurt they had done
while your fists stay by your side
your words they bruise me deep inside

i'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me
cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me

sometimes your words are thick as lead
you swing them strong upside my head
what hasn't killed has made me strong
so i'll take my scars and move along

i'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me
cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life out of me

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

new people! yay!

someone from chris's hometown took it upon themselves to copy/paste and email content from her blog to everyone she knew - coworkers, friends, employers, with an introduction along the lines of "thought you might want to know what your friend has been up to." what this dumbass didn't know was that chris was already out to all of her friends and family. people like this don't even elicit anger from me - i just feel sorry for them. obviously their lives are so devoid of purpose that they look for ways to create drama.

that said, chris and i now have an entire TOWN of new readers! yay! this was a blessing in disguise, because now all of you prince rupert folks will get to "know" me before i move up there this summer! isn't that great?! so long-time friends and readers, bear with me. let me give the newbies a little history lesson.

i just graduated from nursing school with my BSN. this is me, my three brothers and my stepdad on the evening of my pinning ceremony.

now i'm a pediatric RN working at one of the best pediatric hospitals in the country. i love my job.

this is my fiancee by herself.

this is me by myself.

this is us together. we have more fun together.

she rocks my world. she is my soul mate. i can't wait to be with her all the time. for now we are doing the long distance thing, which really does suck, but we are making the best of it. traveling is good. meeting new people is fun. especially since everyone has been so WONDERFULLY supportive. your love and support has helped us stay positive and productive working towards our future together and we appreciate it more than you will ever know. it has meant so much. i don't think there's ever been a time when i felt so supported and respected, and it's all because of you, the majority of whom i've never even met face to face. you are my angels. and chris is my faerie. i love you. i'm sure i'll love the new people too! so pull up a chair. chris and i will try to keep you updated!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Monday, January 02, 2006

Sunday, January 01, 2006

in the broad light of day

there is validity to wanting what you cannot have. i have known it. i have seen it. i have felt it. i won't pretend to understand it.

i have no profound thoughts on the subject. hardly any thoughts at all. just emotion, as is my plight these days. it strikes me with an oppressive sadness. the kind that makes you wonder if your very chest might collapse with the exhaustive weight of so much disappointment.

unconditional love is possible. i have it for many people. a few of whom i know aren't deserving, nevertheless i refuse to relinquish the emotion. rather it refuses to leave my heart. when my mother told me she could not look at me without disgust, that she was glad my papa was dead because she could not bear for him to know me, that she would never love me, i wanted with all of my spirit to hate her. it brought me to my knees to know that i couldn't. yet others believe that they might somehow lose my approval, my admiration, my love by some slight of fate, coincidence, life...a piece of their history, when just the opposite is true. it enriches their character, brightens the glow around them, and allows me to understand them more deeply and love them more steadfastly.

to leave your heart open is to risk having it ravaged. to close it is to never know what might have been. which is worse? in the end, i'm happy to have cared so deeply for so many. to spend your life waiting for others to reciprocate is surely wasted time. i know better. then again, to learn that someone unexpectedly does care throws everything off balance. takes away my ability to give without expectation, makes it harder to justify lost time. you might think that i don't appreciate it, but that's not it. i can't wrap my head around it. at all. i am the one who loves unconditionally, not the one who is loved.

to hope is to be let down. to hope for nothing is to be pleasantly surprised at least some of the time. to not dare to hope for something, and then get it: too much.

**Note to readers: This post is not about coming out to my parents. I still haven't done that. My mother said those things to me six years ago. Sorry for the confusion.**