--february 17, 2005.
it is the end of day 2, after valentine's day. i looked in the mailbox bleakly, but foolishly still expecting to see his handwriting on some large pink envelope meant for me. of course it wasn't there. why this one should matter is lost on me. i didn't even read the others. 21 years of big pink envelopes encasing cardboard that all said "i love you - daddy." i usually cherish the written word and i, more than most, can appreciate the fact that some things are more easily said on paper...but for some reason these words never struck me as genuine. even when he says them...i don't know why he would lie about it, but somehow they feel so obligatory. i carelessly tossed the others in the caboodle that had become their dungeon, so an observer might wonder why i even care if this year i didn't receive one more $3.99 piece of paper he probably didn't even read. i care because he sent cliff one. maybe that's childish, but it's also incredibly rude to send one of your children something on valentine's day and not the other. especially when they live together. it fucking hurts my feelings.