Friday, September 30, 2005

journal excerpt

--february 17, 2005.

it is the end of day 2, after valentine's day. i looked in the mailbox bleakly, but foolishly still expecting to see his handwriting on some large pink envelope meant for me. of course it wasn't there. why this one should matter is lost on me. i didn't even read the others. 21 years of big pink envelopes encasing cardboard that all said "i love you - daddy." i usually cherish the written word and i, more than most, can appreciate the fact that some things are more easily said on paper...but for some reason these words never struck me as genuine. even when he says them...i don't know why he would lie about it, but somehow they feel so obligatory. i carelessly tossed the others in the caboodle that had become their dungeon, so an observer might wonder why i even care if this year i didn't receive one more $3.99 piece of paper he probably didn't even read. i care because he sent cliff one. maybe that's childish, but it's also incredibly rude to send one of your children something on valentine's day and not the other. especially when they live together. it fucking hurts my feelings.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

and so it is

every tear you cry
every doubt you have
all of these things will pass away

all of your big mistakes
your little old heart would break
i'm wishing that i could take them back

write down the things you don't want
burn them in a glass
write down the things you dream of
make a paper plane that flies to heaven

and buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

that's where i'll be

all of the empty rooms
all of the silent space
every warm embrace is you
nothing is like it was
there's nobody here but us
i have been filled right up with this

write down the words of sadness
burn them in a cup
write down the things you've wanted
throw them to the wind that's soaring up to heaven

and buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

oh buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

that's where i'll be waiting...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Monday, September 26, 2005

if you leave me now

5 days come and gone
in the blink of an eye
thanks rita
u suck but
u gave us more time

coming home today
my life was not the same
i didn't see my world,
these things i see every day,
through the same eyes

who knew fate
could be so real?
pas moi.
but it is.

i am in love
with her.

in love with
this woman.

she told me,
12 days after we first talked,
i caught the vibe you pulse out
i can hear you in canada

3,667 miles apart.
and she is my soul mate.
who could argue
with fate like this?

saying goodbye today
was the hardest thing
i've ever done.
i didn't know it would
hurt this much.

the memories are ours
to treasure and savor
until the next time we connect.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

his name is lax kxeen

the turtle was bigger in real life. we swear.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

no day but today

525,600 moments
how do you measure
a year in the life?

how about love...
how about love...
how about love...

measure in love
seasons of love

525,600 minutes
525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes
how do you measure the life
of a woman or a man

in truths that she learned
or in times that he cried
the bridges he burned
or the way that she died

it's time now
to see now
that the story never ends
let's celebrate
remember the year in the life of friends
how about love...
measure in love
seasons of love

measure your life in love.

Monday, September 19, 2005

my baby

Saturday, September 17, 2005

hanging by a thread

this is turning out to be a wonderful semester. i mean that with all the sarcasm i can possibly convey. i won't even begin to tell you about the amount of stress and pressure i'm under academically and clinically, but it's the most severe it's ever been. and we lost taylor mackenzie lawson. and now hollie's kidney function is 5% and her creatinine is 15. she needs a transplant. now. she needed it 2 years ago. i can't make her sister care. our blood types are not the same. i would give her mine, without a second thought. she needs it. even i am becoming desperate for her. how she is remaining calm, i have no clue. sitting in my kitchen the other night she quietly said "it's my life. why doesn't she understand that she's holding my life in her hands while she's choosing not to take the time to be tested for a possible match?" i have no answers.

and today a close friend had an abortion. although i could never be judgmental, i didn't think i could really understand anyone's motives for a decision like that. but now i do. her decision was a difficult one, as i'm sure it is for everyone, but i agree with her choice. and i would do anything in the world to help her through it. but my friends have problems i am helpless to resolve. they are too big. i am left with an intense desire to change things for them, make it all go away, when all i can really do is be there. just be. and i'm amazed, everyday, that that is enough for them. i'm so touched by the people in my life. no matter how stressed and desperate i feel, i know my world is filled with love, life, and laughter. i owe you the world, my friends. my world.

Friday, September 16, 2005

i'm goin straight to hell

i make her laugh. that makes me smile.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

hold on

if time could undulate more slowly
or at a more breakneck pace
my life would not be just that

the crickets sing their aria
while cars crash
legs swing over roof tops
fingers pound the ivory
mouths move with anger
hands reach for something more
eyes close in restless slumber

the only thing that makes sense
anymore is the only thing
that ever made perfect sense:
the music

everything else has
turned to stone
my body or my soul
which one you pay mo' fo?
cause everything can be
bought and sold

Monday, September 12, 2005

Give a little, take a little

I will never be able to change the fact that you know me through and through, in a way so pure and unparalleled that I would never dream of looking for another soul to replace the role you play in my life…I cannot change that you’ve seen my ten year old body naked in a bathtub while we both spit cold water on one another…I cannot change that you cheered with me in those ugly green and yellow uniforms and let me drink hot chocolate that scorched my tongue one night…I cannot change that you know my family, and I know yours, in a way that cannot be imitated. We’ve watched one another’s families fall apart and come back together again. I cannot change that you were there when we broke into that abandoned house and Justin Gates pulled a machete on me while I was climbing in a window and I fell back onto the nail that went through my foot. I cannot change all the times Kris Phelps made inappropriate comments in class and we giggled, though Mrs. Benton admonished us to silence. I cannot change the day Mike cussed us out in church choir after school and sent us all running for the phones to frantically whisper to our parents “He’s gone mad! Come get me!” I can’t change the fact that certain songs will forever plague my mind… "rock, rock, peter, rock..."

I can’t change that I sometimes sleep holding your old sneaker or that your mom has embarrassed me countless times…when we were 12 and in the car crying because “Remember Me This Way” was on the radio and your dad said “You two okay?” and your mom replied, “They’re just on their periods. Let ‘em cry.” That's traumatic to a 12 yr old.

I cannot change the moments we called one another crying because our lives were falling apart. Or the moments we spent laughing because life was just so good together. I cannot change that I was there at your birthday party in Toccoa and we danced to “’Da Dip” all night long (though I might want to pretend that we didn’t). I cannot change the night we went “jeepin” and we came sneaking into Mema and Honey's house while I tried to smother snorts of laughter at your Tina Turner hair. I’ll never change the night I begged your mom to let me take Murphy and she fell off the stage after the RCHS basketball game and she had to be taken to two different hospitals…you and Davis slept over that night. It was a school night. I’ll never forget that the first day you visited my school in 3rd grade, you came at lunch and we had chicken pot pie and you sat with me. I won’t ever be able to change the fact that, when I can front with everyone else in the world, you know who I am. Where I come from. Where I’m going. Where I’ve been. What I love. What I hate. What I’m afraid of and what I’ve overcome.

As far back as I can remember, you’ve influenced my every thought, every decision, every laugh, every tear. And I’ve loved you longer and more fiercely than I’ve ever loved anyone - in a way that I could never love anyone else, no matter how hard I tried.

As long as there's the two of us
We've got the world and all its charms
And when the world is through with us
We've got each other's arms
You've gotta win a little
Lose a little
And always have the blues a little
That's the story of
That's the glory of

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

september 7th

i have wonderful friends. happy birthday to me.

Monday, September 05, 2005

rainy days

swimming lessons sold separately.

bedtime stories

Grace won the race that day.
I collapsed with exhaustion
Onto to the supple carpet.
Sensing that her diminutive body
Was inching closer
(She never could stifle the giggles of delight
when she thought herself sly),
I spun around pointing euphoric fingers
And her own laughter seemed to startle her
As she buckled under the amusement,
Falling to my side.

We lay in the reassuring silence
Gazing up toward the heavens
And a unexpected whisper escaped her lips -

I managed to relocate my
Lethargic body to the couch,
And the ten tiniest fingers grasped my
Arm as she heaved herself over me and into
The space between my shoulder and the cushion.

Once settled, her breathing slowed,
And I thought momentarily before beginning…

"Years and years ago
there was a girl that lived in
this very neighborhood
who had a hole in her heart.

Now I know you're asking yourself,
How could someone live with a hole in her heart,
Well, it started as a tiny pin prick and
Over time it became wider
And it had been there so long that the girl
Wasn't even aware of its existence

Until she met three beautiful,
Loving, intelligent children
Whose very souls lit her up...
When she became immersed
In these children's lives,
It became apparent that
A void was being filled.
Her heart began to renew itself
And new love, new memories,
New experiences and emotions
Filled that empty space.

And do you know that girl
Became a better, stronger person?
She stopped living for herself
And she put those children first
In every aspect of her life

And to this very day,
She would give her life for them.
Drop everything at the first request
And not miss a recital, play,
Christmas pageant or vacation
For anything in this world.

Some friendships are made
To last forever.
Some people will find one another
Because the give and take,
The teaching and learning,
Is meant to be explored.

And if ever there is a moment
In your life, ma bebe,
When you question my devotion,
Remember that I have seen you
Grow up, in every way that one can
And that wild horses couldn't keep me away."

Thinking she was sleeping,
I turned to get comfortable and
Closed my own eyes
And do you know what came out of
That earth angel's mouth?
The Swahili lullabye we learned together
So long ago:

Imba wimbo
Wa upepo
Wakati unajiwa na
Imba wimbo wa upepo
Wakati ndoto tamu
Lala mpaka usiku uisheni
Upepo wa usiku
Wimbo wanko na
Wimbo wangu inaendelea milele

English translation of the last line:
The song, my child, will go on forever.
And it will.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

the list

i want someone who'll
sweep me off my feet
but wait weeks just to cuddle.
i want someone who knows
monogamy isn't a type a wood.
i want someone who'll smile when
she sees me coming
and meet me in the rain for a kiss.
i want someone who loves my friends
for their amazing qualities,
instead of liking them for me.
i want someone to hold my hand
and trace my lips
and kiss my forehead
when i least expect it.
i want someone who will take me home
to meet the parents, the brothers, the sister
and our hearts and minds will be
in sync as we cross that bridge together.
i want someone who grins when i
sing bette midler at the top of my lungs
and who sings right along with us.
i want someone who realizes that
music is life and love and learning .
i want someone who lets me sleep in
and when i wake up and say "why didn't you wake me up"
responds, "baby, i didn't have the heart. you need the rest."
i want someone who'll remember
my favorite poets, musicians and artists
without scanning my collections for clues.
i want someone who'll accept the fact
that i don't eat salad, seafood or steak
and who will appreciate that
i have and always will love spaghetti.
i want someone who wants children
and who will know that i will always have
time for my girls. as long as there is a
breath in my lungs, those girls will be
my first babies.
i want someone who understands that
i like to talk, and i like to not talk.
someone who will never pressure me
to speak when i don't have any words.
i want someone who'll take me out,
but spend the entire evening looking at me
and dreaming of the moment
we finally get to go home.
i want someone who knows who she is,
what she believes in and stands up for it.
i want someone who will surprise me
by forcing me to get on a plane without knowing
where it's headed. sometimes it takes a little
firm persuasion to keep me from ruining surprises.
i want someone who will watch svu with me
and who doesn't blink twice when i push the pillows
against the wall and sleep flat on the mattress.
i want someone who'll love me --
love me for every wonderful, stupid, annoying,
intriguing, silly part of my being
and never dream of having me any other way.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

you can bury freedom, but you can't kill it

You could drive by today and never know there was a pool there at all, but I know the secret. There's water trapped underneath all that cement. Three inches of water as blue as Lucille's eyes.

Friday, September 02, 2005

honore de balzac

There are moments in life when all that we can bear is the sense that our friend is near us.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

why you love me, from sj

my thoughts for the day, also entitled why you love me.

1. getting up at 5:30 sucks, especially when i was supposed to be up at 5.

2. again, i can't say it enough, 8am MONDAY classes are the reason that pajama pants are CUTE, people WILL see them, but it's ok

3. i love food. especially sugar, more specifically chocolate, but i will take what i can get, for example my lunch today: fruit, dr. pepper, and reese's cups
a. also why are they reese's cups? who was/is reese? cause really they should be Sarah's cups.

4. i don't like walking class. i don't care what anyone says. walking class should NOT include push ups and sit ups
a. also, i am NOT contributing to the obesety epidemic and think therefore i should be exempt from physical education. it's only fair

5. also i don't think that the board of regents should make us take a MORALITY class. really, do we want michael adams teaching georgia's best and brightest about morality?

i love my mille