Tuesday, August 30, 2005

ma bebe on our first picnic together.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

are you there god? it's me, camille. part 2

i miss my best friend. she has been gone a long time. please send her back. thank you.

p.s. did you know shaving cream makes your hands soft? of course you knew, you're god. duh.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

are you there god? it's me, camille.

oh how i am longing for those days of teenage angst. not the high school bullshit part. what i am missing is the ability to be an A-1 BITCH and get the fuck away with it because i'm 16. i miss working for a paycheck that i will blow on eating out and buying clothes. i miss talking on the phone until 4 a.m. and not studying for tests, but still making A's. wearing hoodies to school and sleeping thru class. being free at the end of the day. that rush that spiraled through us as we ran out the doors to the parking lot, taking pictures and laughing about the weekend plans. it was not all fun and games. the latter half of it was actually something i'd never wish on anyone. but the beginning was pretty good. the lack of responsibility and carefree feeling in my heart was something i can't get back. i've turned into my mother. i've tried so hard not to, but there was no escape. the genetics have taken hold.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

mini-me up close and personal

me and mini-me.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

i'm going to address your box

gaymo is being outed in this post. she is the crotch-catcher.

i have a namesake

a ray of light on the darkest day: my cousin lauren delivered a healthy baby girl yesterday. full term, 7 lbs, with a few bumpy respiratory moments but now all is well. and guess what she named her? camille. i will be there with them tomorrow. i know holding that beautiful baby will break my heart as i think of taylor mackenzie, but i could not be more honored or feel more peace in my heart at such a disconcerting time.

Friday, August 19, 2005

my immortal

the absence of a heartbeat. three healthy sinus rhythms knocked out of sync with that one realization. admission into a labor, delivery and recovery room. to labor and then deliver a dead baby, and somehow recover.

there was never a question in my mind. hollie is my friend. her baby was the excitement of our semester. our graduation present. i squealed and danced and sang to her stomach, with more enthusiasm than any family member possessed. 5 days ago now. holding baby clothes and gushing over ultrasound pictures. singing to the little girl who can no longer hear me. hollie jeapordized her life for this baby. dialysis 6 days a week. years of waiting for a kidney transplant. a phone call 3 days ago with a match that had been found. the pregnancy disqualified her as a recipient candidate. "you'll lose your spot on the waiting list. good luck next time" said the representative. 72 hours later: no kidney. no baby. high risk is an understatement. somehow we lost sight of the risk; thought she would be okay.

a family was formed in the past 48 hours. the 5 of us forever linked with this one experience together. watching our friend hurt, die in her own way, grieve, and reach out to family members who failed her. the experience of surviving nursing school together made us family years ago, but the loss and love in that room these past two days solidified a place in one another's lives that will never be replicated.

epiphanies realized in silences and stares. laughter when there was no other choice. we encircled hollie in the hill-rom bed, let nicole say one prayer that surpassed different beliefs and envoked tears in all of us simultaneously. a simple touch can do so much. holding hands and lying our legs on top of one another, our resolve was strengthened and hope appeared in a darkened room where none had existed before.

hours later, delirious with exhaustion, we were given the honor of choosing our daughter's name. she now belonged to all of us. after hours of arguing and laughter and more tears, taylor mackenzie lawson was agreed on. the time that passed between the moment of agreeing on her name and delivery was filled with heartache and blows to our spirit and loss of hope in people who should have been there, but were not. i personally think taylor mackenzie should've had hollie's last name, considering the fact that her father never appeared until hours after her birth. there is no excuse. none whatsoever. but we are only responsible for ourselves.

yesterday i said to my friends "we need a grown up." and we did. we were thrown into the storm without preparation, without guidance, and we all reverted to wanting a parental figure present. but you can't always have what you want. and when i emerged from that hospital lobby today and the sunlight saturated my body and soul i knew immediately that the child in me from the night before was gone. she left with mackenzie.

taylor mackenzie lawson. 10 ounces. 11 inches. tiny, but perfect, save the absence of surfactant in her lungs and lack of a heartbeat. the loss of a would-be miracle child to punctuate the beginning of fall. her soul was wished away with love and light from her new family.

religious views of life

shit happens
confucius says, shit happens
if shit happens, it isn't really shit
what is the sound of shit happening?
this shit happened before
if shit happens, it is the will of allah
let shit happen to someone else
if shit happens, you deserve it
why does this shit always happen to us?
i don't believe this shit
what is this shit?
because i don't have the heart to blog about what's really going on right now, and this poster in our kitchen used to make us laugh.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

the after pics

katie making out with her balloon.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

beer and wings

here's everybody before we all got smashed and professed our undying love to one another. and before katie fell on her ass, then puked. before everybody else bailed and walked home. tomorrow's going to SUUUUUCK huge ass. god....

out tonight

going out with the girls. because i can. i'm a grown-up like that. i can just decide to fuck everything i need to be doing, and go out for the hell of it. and i got some of the saddest news i've heard in a long time today, so true to form, i will run from it. pretend i didn't hear it and everything's great. so i guess that makes me not so grown-up...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

preschool mafia


Friday, August 12, 2005

why i love sj

darlenes diva c: thanks for what you said about the blog. it really means quite a bit because i highly value your opinion

slj383: it really is a very real slice of mille and that makes it so pure and just and unlike most everything else on the web

slj383: totally made out with a short indie rock kid last weekend

slj383: fyi

darlenes diva c: rock on

slj383: only me

slj383: what can i say

slj383: now he is like madly in love with me

darlenes diva c: you don't have to say anything, that's the funny thing

darlenes diva c: and you won't

slj383: lol. i love that you know that

darlenes diva c: you'll just let the kid follow you slap-happy in love

slj383: cause i totally haven't

slj383: i'm not just saying this cause i'm one but you have bitchin taste in friends

darlenes diva c: they are a select few

darlenes diva c: and they are all awesome

slj383: you know i was totally wearing the big sunglasses AGES ago

slj383: how much does that make you love me

darlenes diva c: aren't you always a few years ahead of us all?

slj383: sometimes

slj383: had gouchos forever ago too

darlenes diva c: even with your 'roos 2 years ago running around central park like you were some badass new yorker. you are so totally my best friend, lol

slj383: i know

slj383: i feel so priveledged

slj383: and i mean that

slj383: mille is the coolest EVER

slj383: anna the other day was like you are like the person that EVERYONE knows is a slut but NO ONE talks about because that would be inappropriate

darlenes diva c: that is SO parfait! i can't believe she said that! yes, talking about closeted-slut, but ostensible socialite sarah IS just that: inappropriate. no one would dare.

darlenes diva c: except moi

darlenes diva c: because i have no class

slj383: i know

slj383: you keep me real

slj383: mingling with the regular folk and all

darlenes diva c: wow i'm so the regular folk

slj383: you don't need to decide on a gender to love

slj383: one of the things i love about mille is that your friend/girlfriend/boyfriend criteria is SO based on the PERSON not the package

darlenes diva c: i'm perplexed. am i really intimidating or something?

slj383: you can be initially

slj383: partially because you are so beautiful

slj383: and partially because you are so smart

darlenes diva c: oh whatever that's bullshit. i think i'm just really abrasive

slj383: but everyone LOVES the REALness and the humanity of you

slj383: you're abrasive like hell if you don't like someone

darlenes diva c: hehe. i know

slj383: they generally won't go near you

slj383: but for everyone else

slj383: it's your looks and your brains that get them initially

slj383: it's like you are smart and beautiful so you don't HAVE to be real, you CHOOSE to be, and that makes it even better!!

slj383: we rock our ASSES OFF

slj383: and the ASSES of anyone who comes near us

darlenes diva c: so true, because have you looked behind you lately? or at that pic of my ass in nyc?

darlenes diva c: yeah bitch we rock

slj383: and we rock how ONLY sarah and mille know how to rock

darlenes diva c: we rock out in neons and the macon ghetto, in pajamas drunk on tennis courts, running thru red lights, sleeping thru class, writing french stories about princesses fucking frogs, and making illegal turns in times square and getting pulled over!

darlenes diva c: these stories are not for the faint of heart. only we...the socialite and the reg. folk

slj383: agreed

slj383: sounds like a mod fairy tale

slj383: the socialite and the reg. folk

slj383: and i'm afraid you left one eyed steve off the list

**i love you like no other, sj. you are in a class all your own (and coincidentally, 6 feet above the rest of us).**

56 things about moi

shamelessly stolen from cherry

1. Nervous habits? picking my lips, pacing
2. Are you double jointed? nope
3. Can you roll your tongue? a little, lol
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? only one and not impressively
5. Can you blow spit bubbles? yeah i'm ghetto like that.
6. Can you cross your eyes? yeah i can
7. Tattoos? nope
8. Piercings? just one in each ear. i'm boring, yeah i know
9. Do you make your bed daily? uh-uh


10. Which shoe goes on first? whichever foot i reach first
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? yeah, lol
12. On the average, how much money do you carry? prob. around $60 cash. i use my checkcard like a mo-fo.
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? my celtic ring and now my new eagle ring...that's it
14. Favorite piece of clothing? my new "shants" and favorite new comfy shirt


15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? cut it - leave it to jessie to rag on me for that too. "you know what that big spoon is for..." yeah bitch so i have something extra fat to shove up your ass! 16. Have you ever eaten Spam? no
17. Do you use extra salt on your food? i am the salt QUEEN. i will die of an MI in 5 years.
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? 6 - trix, oh's, cocoa puffs, frosted mini wheats, frosted cheerios, the incredibles
19. What's your favorite beverage? tea or coke
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant? sonic, taco smell or mcd's
21. Do you cook? if every restaurant in town is closed.


22. How often do you brush your teeth? at least 3, sometimes 5-6. i'm anal about it.
23. Hair drying method? um, throw my head upside down and dry it straight
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? yep


25. Do you swear? never (yeah fucking right)
26. Do you ever spit? no...


27. Animal? two cats - bitty and butter who live with my parents, but i LOVE all animals
28. Food? spaghetti
29. Month: December or September
30. Day? Saturday
31. Cartoon? beavis and butthead
32. Shoe brand? birks
33. Subject in school? peds
34. Color? blue
35. Sport? someone wants me to say hockey, so i'll say it. hehe.
36. TV shows? MXC, will and grace, friends, grey's anatomy, the golden girls
37. Thing to do in the spring? be outside
38. Thing to do in the summer? be at the beach with friends
39. Thing to do in the autumn? go to football and basketball games
40. Thing to do in the winter? ski, ice skate, buy gifts, drink hot chocolate and curl up in a down throw and watch a christmas story
41. In the CD player? jack johnson on itunes.
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? chris, no doubt.
43. Reading? beach music and the four agreements. tomorrow it'll be my med-surg book. ugh.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors?yeah i'm vain like that
45. What color is your bedroom? for the past two years, every wall in my room was a different color and i loved it. it was impossible to be depressed in here. they were all the colors of my comforter in this pic. i just painted it back to boring-ass beige because i move out in dec!
46. Do you use an alarm clock? i use the alarm on my cell
47. Window seat or aisle? window
48. What's your sleeping position? my stomach with no pillow.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? yes
50. Do you snore? no
51. Do you sleepwalk? haven't in a while
52. Do you talk in your sleep? yes
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? just richie
54. How about with the light on? no
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? not unless i'm ridiculously tired.
56. Last interesting person you met: maya, chris kaye, russell, elliot, christian, vinnie, patrick, and eddie. i can't ever pick one.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

my baby in my shoes.

from an ex

"your kids are going to be unbelievably rebellious. your oldest will cuss like a sailor and your youngest will start to cuss you out, but suddenly stop, leave the room... then she'll come back 2 hours later and hand you a 13 page letter."

i laughed because it caught me off guard in the moment, but i found it comforting that someone i thought never paid attention really did.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

all that is gold does not glitter, not all those that wander are lost - tolkien

so much happened before dorothy dropped in

it's a hard job


be the art

well you know, maybe the lady in the fitting room was right. just how confident do you feel?

Saturday, August 06, 2005

la cage

she refused to be bored chiefly because she wasn't boring. -zelda fitzgerald

Monday, August 01, 2005

ba ba ba ba ba

bathtub/swimming pool, it's all the same to this little fish.