happy at dinner time
Originally uploaded by camille26.
the kids have been so great. i forget how much i enjoy being around them sometimes. last night anna and i struggled to sleep in the midst of a thunderstorm. we counted in whispers together after each strike of lightning and i guessed the actual storm to be 5 miles away. with her knees in my stomach and head under my chin, anna whispered "who makes the lightning?" i was quiet for a moment, moved by her curiosity, but i quietly answered "god does." "well doesn't he know it scares me?" she said to me. "yes baby," i told her, "but learning to face things that scare us is how we grow up." as she chronicled the ways in which she was definitely a big girl, a familiar feeling of pride and gratitude overcame me. more than anything, i was grateful to see these children growing.
and it may be entirely selfish, but having that sweet baby reach for me and rest his head against my body is the best feeling in the world. i don't know many people who "nanny" at the age of 22, but i have NEVER done it for the money. i have always done this out of complete and utter adoration for these children and how calm and in my element i feel when i'm with them.
the thought of having a child of my own scares me to death. i cannot BEGIN to imagine my heart full of that much love and wonder. i wonder if i would be so overtaken by emotion that i'd be blind to all logical thoughts. that love would be the purest and most unconditional in the world. i cannot even wrap my head around the thought.