Wednesday, June 01, 2005

stream of conciousness, this morning on the road

dishwalla is playing on my stereo
they sold out when they had their "one hit wonder"
their other unknown music is so much more pure
i'd like to see them in concert
i'd like to see a perfect circle in concert

a perfect circle virgin, i listened intently
while she sang their praises
perfectly manicured finger on the radio buttons
leaving a 10-point match, i'm sure.
my nails look nothing like that. never have.
looking at my hands only, you'd guess i'm 5 years old.
my fingers don't fall that gracefully, they stab at buttons
even in my music, on the piano you're
supposed to use your finger pads

i start out that way.
really, i do.
but i only play the piano when i'm alone
and the acoustics are good
once i begin, i play in
perpetual crescendo
disregarding the music
i know all the notes by heart
my emotions take over and i have no control
over what comes out of that instrument.
granted, the notes are correct, but the dynamics
are completely lost as they humbly follow the lead of my stifled feelings.

the music for me was a sad sort of tango
especially when i wasn't writing
a rare moment for my emotions to escape
from their prison inside my cells.
around the 9th minute in,
when all my surroundings have blurred into
inconsequential existence,
it all moves in slow motion
the music, the keys, my hands
and i could swear that tears flowed from my very fingers
onto the ivory where they were dashed away without acknowledgement
next stop: inner turmoil

and hours later when i stop
and the last notes hang in the air
i look down and see my emotions lying on the keys
naked as a newborn with that look that screams "let me back in!"
but i calmly say "stay there and think about what you've done."


for_the_lonely said...

Your music has danced in my soul very beautiful this post is!!!


scribble said...

wow that was simply beautiful.
And you said you cant write.
Yeah right !
I envy you playing the piano.
I always wanted to learn and never did.

tara said...

i have always loved that you play the piano. i know i sneaked some listening at times but it and you playing it are absolutely beautiful!

Puffer said...

Very touching blog
I am blogging later tonight
I hope your first day went well.
I am always nervous when I am starting something new:)

Anonymous said...

Well, Camille, my are obviously playing it the way you need to play it. It is good for your soul and that is what matters. Isn't it interesting how music touches us so? I sing. Sometimes it sounds so amazing, I stun myself. Those are the times I know I'm doing it from my soul and it is most cathartic. I'm thinking of you as you begin your externship. Yay you! The nerves will pass. Peace.

Kirsti said...

What a beautiful post. And yes - making music from the heart and the emotions can be incredibly healing.

Have a joyous Thursday.

Melanie said...

REally beautiful post! Makes me think about dusting off my own musical space-taker-upper. If I sound bitter, it's cause I've held a grudge since my husband (then boyfriend) made me believe I was getting an engagement ring only to "surprise" me with a piano. I know, I should have been thrilled... After all these years...I need to get over it:):):) Maybe I've inspired me!

bea said...

what a wonderful gift you have. thanks for sharing, at least, the story as we can not hear you play.

lightfeather said...

Beautiful! I have missed reading your blog special missy. And I will tell you a secret...shhhh....I love Dishwalla. Even went to see them at a little venue out here.

Thank you for all of your love and support.

M and G said...

This really is a great post. I know the place you are talking about. It's been too long since I've been there. The piano is the perfect instrument to get there too. I mean, the guitar is nice, but I mostly just play it as accompaniment to the voice. The piano seems made for it - that other place where everything else dissapears. I haven't played since I moved here to Tx. I still play when I go home to La.

You seem to have so much sadness in you at times. why? If you ever need to talk don't be afraid to IM me. take care girl.