Wednesday, June 29, 2005

not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond traditions, beyond definition, beyond the image.

due to a recent chain of events, i've been inclined to revisit some not-so-fond moments in my past that i have been successfully avoiding for several years now. although i consider myself somewhat naiive, as a teenager i was forced to make some very adult decisions. in a relationship that was anything but uneventful, i learned to trust my instincts and lie with the best of them...but most importantly, i learned more about my own self worth and strength of character (largely from my godmother's words). although i don't ever want to relive those years, i have them to thank for the way that i think and conduct my life now. and i have been afraid to revisit those moments, because the wounds are still fresh; yes, even 6 years later. i'm afraid that a few of them may never heal. but things cannot heal if you bury them and try to forget. and talking about them with people who were there has made it bearable, sometimes even humorous in retrospect. i will go to sleep knowing that i have survived and flourished when others might have given up and for that i can be proud of who i am.

in other news, i'm sleeping in a pair of boxers that i stole from a (straight?) woman i have had a crush on for 5 years. although her behavior of late has made me add that question mark behind her orientation. people never cease to suprise me.


for_the_lonely said...

I don't think that wearing your wife's underware has the same effect as someone that you have a mondo crush on. LOL...ok, well, maybe not...LOL

Love ya,

P.S. Be strong ;)

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

be careful with the straight girl; if you do too much damage, i'll have to send her a t-shirt.

scribble said...

Interestingly haunting entry.
Wishing the truth of surviving something wasn't a part of you.
Glad that time has allowed you to feel some strength from the experience.

You are an amazing woman Camille.
That, is something NO ONE can ever take away.


Jan said...

Say and do what feels right for you. If it helps to talk about it then do so if not then don't.
You come first and only in the healing process.
One step at the time, one day at the time.
We are here is you need us....Many, many of us have been there in your shoes.
Take care,

Kelly said...

I remember when me and Nic got together before we moved in together. He called and I had on his pajama pants tshirt and hat. The flowers he got me where on the table in front of me. I am such a sap

Sarah said...

Oh baby,

Good job on working out the ickyness of past experiences. Not good to let things fester. Too much puss builds up. If you clean it out, you have a scar, but at least it is healed. I wish I could hug you.

As for the boxers of your "straight" friend. Humm, if there is anyone who could confuse a straight lady, it would be you.

Kirsti said...

That's the only way to heal - to dig up the buried stuff, and talk about it, and look at it in the light of the wisdom you have now. Otherwise, we carry around all that garbage (I'm bad, it was my fault, etc etc) and it can really screw us up. Believe me, I speak from experience here.

Thanks for posting. Take care of you. And enjoy the boxers :D

Jas... said...

Forgive to heal, but never forget to stay strong.

Dixie said...

Kirsti's got the right idea. Looking at what we're carrying with us is the only way to figure out what we can drop as we move along in life.

And you'll find out that there's a lot of crap you can leave behind. It's very liberating.

pack of 2 said...

awe camille, i'm very sorry for the sad part of your day but couldn't be happier for you regarding the boxer shorts:)
Let us know how that goes.

MARYBETH said...

So good to learn you are having some travel, R*R, and time with your best friend.
Healing is a life long process, BUT, we's gotsto keeps moving forward or else we'll fall off the back of the truck.
THe beautiful balance of life.

lightfeather said...

Camille, have no doubts. You are definitely A-OK! An amazing woman of strength, heart, and soul.

Now those boxers? hmmmmmm

Smiles to you! and lots of love too!