Wednesday, June 29, 2005

not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond traditions, beyond definition, beyond the image.

due to a recent chain of events, i've been inclined to revisit some not-so-fond moments in my past that i have been successfully avoiding for several years now. although i consider myself somewhat naiive, as a teenager i was forced to make some very adult decisions. in a relationship that was anything but uneventful, i learned to trust my instincts and lie with the best of them...but most importantly, i learned more about my own self worth and strength of character (largely from my godmother's words). although i don't ever want to relive those years, i have them to thank for the way that i think and conduct my life now. and i have been afraid to revisit those moments, because the wounds are still fresh; yes, even 6 years later. i'm afraid that a few of them may never heal. but things cannot heal if you bury them and try to forget. and talking about them with people who were there has made it bearable, sometimes even humorous in retrospect. i will go to sleep knowing that i have survived and flourished when others might have given up and for that i can be proud of who i am.

in other news, i'm sleeping in a pair of boxers that i stole from a (straight?) woman i have had a crush on for 5 years. although her behavior of late has made me add that question mark behind her orientation. people never cease to suprise me.

Monday, June 27, 2005

crotch catcher

so my new best friend, who shall remain nameless (per her request), shared with me the most incredible information. "last night while playing ball hockey, i totally caught the ball with my crotch. we had to stop the game to laugh for 10 minutes." now i don't know about the rest of you faithful readers, but my first thought after the laughter subsided was "GOOD GOD! you must do some serious kegel exercises!" and i have not been able to get over my shock since then...i am fucking impressed as HELL! gaymo, you are the SHIT!

oh where oh where

so i've been out and about the southeastern u.s. lately and everyone's been starving for some attention in blogsville...i must say, i missed you guys. i've got so much to say, and it's all gotten piled up as i put off blogging...i may save some of it for later dates when my life is boring.

my best friend of 13 years and i did some soul searching, face stuffing, kareokeing and vegging together. she balances me out. i enjoy my time with her so much, because i feel like i find a happy medium in my personality. we can go out with friends, sing in front of strangers, go to the beach, be absolutely still on the counch for 48 hours, sing show tunes and never see the light of day...

to everyone else, we are total opposites, but at heart i believe we're pretty similar. she feels the need to be "on" 24 hours a day. she is ALWAYS the life of the party, and i believe she feels as though she has to live up to that every day of her life, even when she feels like being whiney or quiet. i, on the other hand, am pretty low-key in a crowd (which is not to say that i don't voice my opinion loudly when desired). but when we're together, we can walk the line a little. i can be loud and drunk and more outgoing than in small-town hell, and she knows with me there's no need for entertaining. it's difficult to explain, because it feels a little cliche and i get frustrated because words aren't enough... but a calm comes over me when i'm with her because i know there's no need for fronting or even explanation. just laughter and love. and these days that's so rare.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

to tide you over...

my aunt and her favorite niece in the entire world. she walked right up to me and said "let me rest my head on your ample bosom." it's a good thing i love these lunatics!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

closer to fine

hey y'all - just wanted to say i'm still kickin'. i have lots to say, but no time to say it. i'll catch up asap. thanks for all your sweet words and concern. but rest peacefully - i am alive and well. love you all!

Saturday, June 18, 2005


and just like that...
as silent and smooth as a gentle breeze,
i'm gone.

away from things that hurt.
into yellow that has always been mine.
since childhood.

i felt so fragile that i was afraid
i might break into a thousand pieces
if someone blew a kiss my way.
now i know why.

because i did.
i fell apart and the pieces
were swept away by the wind
and now there is nothing left


for a while now, i have been unremittingly hoping that things would somehow change and we could reconcile a relationship in our future. silly, yes i know. naiive and stupid of me, so what else is new? i must say with sadness and resolve that i now know with utter certainty that this was a ridiculous dream. nothing more than clouds floating in my head. she will not change. i have known this, but refused to truly accept it. i now have no choice but to acknowledge it and move forward. one more lesson learned the hard way. peace in my heart.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

in my mind

in the world i imagine in my head, things are very different.

michael jackson has had no plastic surgery.
built no ranch that seduces children.

my mother has taken zoloft all her life.
she never wrote me that letter.
my dad didn't cheat on her
or kick us out
or teach me that i'll never be enough.

candace didn't fall into the black abyss.
her children say they'd buy toys
if they were rich, and not food.

friends are really friends.
they don't leave when things get bad.
they crowd around you with love and hugs.
show up on my doorstep when i need them most
and encircle me with their love.

in this world that exists in my mind,
children don't die in the hospital
without ever seeing the outside of their room.
people don't lose hope and give up,
and go to hospice care to die.

love is never wrong, and everybody believes it.
i'm not afraid to put my arm around
my girlfriend's waist in daylight.
my family welcomes her with open arms
and our children are beautiful, healthy
and loved beyond measure.

great music is always playing
and there are no cameras
just eyes
and you can -snap- save a moment
to your internal hard drive
with one thought
perfectly preserved for all time

and you can communicate with people
without even opening your mouth
and we all laugh at the archaic times
when words failed us. no more.
one glance, and all is understood
with clarity. and no room for error.

but that's just in my head.

Monday, June 13, 2005

all in all, it's just another brick in the wall

sunday morning i was sitting in the breakfast room with my aunt and uncle. they were thumbing through the paper and talking about the wedding. i answered a few questions, but mostly stared off into space like i do for the first 30 minutes after i wake up. my uncle snapped in front of my face and said "snap out of it. you don't need to think that hard this early." it wasn't brain surgery i was thinking about. in all honesty, as their conversation played out in the background, i was thinking "i need to have sex... (long pause as they continue talking)....with a woman." yes, faithful followers, i have turned into an L girl.


i'm relieved, but uneasy. while awaiting the audio feed i asked myself what my true opinion was... having not followed the case closely, i had no solid preconceptions formed. i felt that the notion of being sure beyond a reasonable doubt was unlikely (in the case of guilty verdicts). however, it doesn't prove to me that these things haven't happened in other instances, or with other children. even so, i could not help but hope that he would be acquitted.

the ecstatic bride

flower girl and jr. bridesmaid (a. and l!)

this is the path in the midst of all the pine trees my papa planted (that i wrote about a few weeks ago). i spent some time out there yesterday.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

caption this photo

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

then you're a lifer, like me.

my heart hurts.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

the beholder's eye

recently while visiting with my grandmother, i mentioned several people that i thought were gorgeous. two babies and a few adults. she completely disagreed and said to me, "you think everybody is beautiful." i couldn't argue with her. i do think that the majority of people, all in their own unique ways, are stunning. the tone with which she said that was negative, like the fact that i think everyone is beautiful somehow discredits my opinion. yet, despite my faith in the omnipresent elegance of others, i find it nearly impossible not to loathe myself. i am devastatingly unhappy with my own appearance. that sounds so shallow, but it's true. my attraction to everyone else is NOT superficial at ALL. i firmly believe that the difference between my opinion and my grandmother's is that she's taking only the external into account. i believe people are radiant because their souls make them so. however, all things considered, i find that inside and out, the things that add up to equal camille are not pretty. and it makes me unhappy. very, very unhappy. and i don't know how to change it.


i'm never drinking again.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

beat THAT, beeyatch!!

get this: my grandfather bought me the L word complete 1st season on dvd! i'm SO psyched!!

Friday, June 03, 2005

something only my brother would say

while waiting for my grandfather in the mall, my brother and i were getting impatient. we stared up to the second floor, looking for some trace of him. 10 minutes earlier he'd told me he'd be downstairs shortly and asked us to wait for him by the elevator. matthew, in all seriousness when i aggravatedly say "where IS he?", replies: "he's a pimp. he's probably looking at those statue women."

Thursday, June 02, 2005

while sitting in employee health to receive all my boosters, titers, and other various labwork i was reminded of the day i took grace to have her TSH levels checked. she was completely unaware that any needle was going to come in contact with her body, up until the exact moment that it happened. it absolutely broke my heart to see the look of betrayal on her face as she glared at the nurses in front of her and choked through sobs "you hurta me..." oh, it was awful. i miss my angel!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

stream of conciousness, this morning on the road

dishwalla is playing on my stereo
they sold out when they had their "one hit wonder"
their other unknown music is so much more pure
i'd like to see them in concert
i'd like to see a perfect circle in concert

a perfect circle virgin, i listened intently
while she sang their praises
perfectly manicured finger on the radio buttons
leaving a 10-point match, i'm sure.
my nails look nothing like that. never have.
looking at my hands only, you'd guess i'm 5 years old.
my fingers don't fall that gracefully, they stab at buttons
even in my music, on the piano you're
supposed to use your finger pads

i start out that way.
really, i do.
but i only play the piano when i'm alone
and the acoustics are good
once i begin, i play in
perpetual crescendo
disregarding the music
i know all the notes by heart
my emotions take over and i have no control
over what comes out of that instrument.
granted, the notes are correct, but the dynamics
are completely lost as they humbly follow the lead of my stifled feelings.

the music for me was a sad sort of tango
especially when i wasn't writing
a rare moment for my emotions to escape
from their prison inside my cells.
around the 9th minute in,
when all my surroundings have blurred into
inconsequential existence,
it all moves in slow motion
the music, the keys, my hands
and i could swear that tears flowed from my very fingers
onto the ivory where they were dashed away without acknowledgement
next stop: inner turmoil

and hours later when i stop
and the last notes hang in the air
i look down and see my emotions lying on the keys
naked as a newborn with that look that screams "let me back in!"
but i calmly say "stay there and think about what you've done."


today's my first day at an a hospital that i really like, so i'm not sure why i feel uneasy about it. i guess anything new makes your stomach feel this way, ya know, when you don't know what to expect. but hey, at least i'm getting PAID for what i do now, lol! keep me in your thoughts, guys. i'll be back eventually to blogger land. hugs for you all.