Monday, May 30, 2005

tanna's letter

last night i wrote tanna a letter in a journal i keep for her. i'm not really sure why i wanted to post it on here, but i'm going to.

dear tanna,

i'm sitting on my balcony. it's raining here and the cool breeze feels wonderful. it's almost 8 p.m. and the light is dimming. the people in the apartment below me are grilling out and the smoke is wafting its way upwards and being whisked away by the wind in swirls. i'm listening to "in the sun" on my ipod. i think i would lose my mind without my music. it keeps me grounded and helps me gather my thoughts.

i don't know why i'm compelled to tell you this, or if you'll ever even read it, but it's on my mind, so i will. my godmother is a fabulous woman. she captivates me in a way no one else ever has. as an adolescent, i worshipped her and dreamed of being just like her. later when we became closer, she taught me the importance of being my own person. you are wise beyond your years and i believe you already have some grasp of this concept. when you were very young and your mother confided in me that you looked up to me, i was thrilled. i wanted to be for you what beth had been to me. the thought of being so revered floored me, and i wanted to teach you all of the things that she'd taught me. only recently i've discovered that our dynamics are not the same - i admire you. you and your sisters have taught me so much about life and myself. i count myself lucky daily to have you in my life.

when you were younger, your mother was quick to fuss at you, even when cara instigated whatever you were being scolded for. in many conversations i told your mom that i felt you and i were similar as children. i reminded her that just because you didn't burst into tears didn't mean that you weren't hurt. i sometimes felt that you took more punishment and lectures than you truly deserved. you have grown up before my eyes, and it has been a learnng experience for me. you have come into your own and you're not afraid to speak the truth, which is an admirable trait. that will be important as an adult, and it demonstrates in you a wisdom that your peers don't yet possess.

growing up, i always wanted a sister. in fact, when i was 9 years old my mom was pregnant with a child that i was certain was a girl. she had a miscarriage before she was far enough along to find out the gender of the baby. for years i've known that god blessed me with the three of you as sisters, related or not. sometimes blood and genes don't matter. there are times when you were meant to connect with another soul on this earth. the day i met y'all was one of those times. thank you for letting me in your life, and for teaching me what it really means to live.

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