i am one who appreciates my solitude. that is not to say that i often have it. i simply relish it when i do get it. except tonight. tonight i am lonely. i just watched the last episode of season 1 of the l word. and i burst into tears when poor, broken tina drew her heartbreak out into a new line for bette on alice's board...you know, the board on which all lines lead back to the epicenter: shane. and one of my all-time favorite songs was narrating this heartache. so why am i lonely? well, because i'm watching people act out a life i want. a life in which your friends know who you really are, and you can let yourself into your friend's apartment at 4 a.m. and know they'll run to the rescue. and i have no one to share this desire with. please don't misunderstand what i'm saying; the friends that i keep close to my heart are fantastic, they're just....not here. and i'm the first person to admit that when i'm running ragged in school, i'm not a friend i'd want to have. is this even making any sense?
i just want something different. what i have, where i am, how i'm having it is not enough. i don't want to hide my identity, or censor what i say to people because i'm scared they might find out the truth. most of all, i don't want to be in this town. there is nothing for me here anymore. i came back for one reason, and one reason only. i knew that reason when i sent in my application to this university. i admitted it to myself by candlelight while scribbling in my journal years ago. i came back for her. i was scared to death that i was setting myself up for disappointment, moving into the same apartment complex as her after 4 years of no contact. but i had to give it another chance. i knew, in the deepest corner of my heart, that i was supposed to be where she was. the first 10 times we saw one another over the first few months, i was scared shitless every second. scared of saying the wrong thing, placing my hand too close to hers, letting eyes linger a little too long...and even in the heart of all this going on in my head, i still didn't know how our relationship would unfold. i never imagined the actual kiss, or all the firsts that followed.
but i'm older now. and i know that love isn't all you need. you MUST have, above all, trust and committment, among other things. when i came here i was just a girl, following my heart blindly. it has been a long time coming, but it's time for me to grow up and follow my head.