Saturday, May 28, 2005

L in my heart

i am one who appreciates my solitude. that is not to say that i often have it. i simply relish it when i do get it. except tonight. tonight i am lonely. i just watched the last episode of season 1 of the l word. and i burst into tears when poor, broken tina drew her heartbreak out into a new line for bette on alice's know, the board on which all lines lead back to the epicenter: shane. and one of my all-time favorite songs was narrating this heartache. so why am i lonely? well, because i'm watching people act out a life i want. a life in which your friends know who you really are, and you can let yourself into your friend's apartment at 4 a.m. and know they'll run to the rescue. and i have no one to share this desire with. please don't misunderstand what i'm saying; the friends that i keep close to my heart are fantastic, they're just....not here. and i'm the first person to admit that when i'm running ragged in school, i'm not a friend i'd want to have. is this even making any sense?

i just want something different. what i have, where i am, how i'm having it is not enough. i don't want to hide my identity, or censor what i say to people because i'm scared they might find out the truth. most of all, i don't want to be in this town. there is nothing for me here anymore. i came back for one reason, and one reason only. i knew that reason when i sent in my application to this university. i admitted it to myself by candlelight while scribbling in my journal years ago. i came back for her. i was scared to death that i was setting myself up for disappointment, moving into the same apartment complex as her after 4 years of no contact. but i had to give it another chance. i knew, in the deepest corner of my heart, that i was supposed to be where she was. the first 10 times we saw one another over the first few months, i was scared shitless every second. scared of saying the wrong thing, placing my hand too close to hers, letting eyes linger a little too long...and even in the heart of all this going on in my head, i still didn't know how our relationship would unfold. i never imagined the actual kiss, or all the firsts that followed.

but i'm older now. and i know that love isn't all you need. you MUST have, above all, trust and committment, among other things. when i came here i was just a girl, following my heart blindly. it has been a long time coming, but it's time for me to grow up and follow my head.


M and G said...

I completely understand your need for close like-minded lesbian friendships. M and I, after over 6 years, have finally found a lesbian couple our age near us. We are all great friends now and M and I have both noticed that a void has been filled.

You are right that trust and committment are hugely important too. If you don't have those, you don't have a full relationship. I think you were right to follow your heart back then. It's actions like that which make us who we are. I also think that no matter what you choose to do now, it too will be the right choice.

You have a wonderful blog. This was an excellent post. I hope you can find the friendship and happiness you are looking for.


Jas... said...

Follow your head, Camille. Otherwise you will always feel out of place, and you will not find the open doors you need.


The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I second Jason.

Camillel, even if things sometimes seem crazy, following your heart and your soul is never wrong.

You are finding your way. Stay the course sweetie, you'll be okay!