i had a mani and pedi today. it makes typing a bitch, because i never have nails. ever. beth always had perfectly manicured nails. every day. in fact, the first time i ever stepped into a nail salon was with her. it was the first time we'd ever hung out, you know, outside of a classroom and i don't think we really had a plan...but we ended up at the nail place where she said she needed a "fill-in" (which i, of course, had never heard of). i was utterly fascinated. no women in my life ever had their nails done. it had never occurred to me that this might be a common affair. i thought it was uniquely and exotically her own. and very feminine. i wanted to be that feminine. i looked down at my short, cut-to-the-quick nails and for a moment i wished that i didn't play the piano. i wished with every fiber of my being for hands like hers. i was at the age where self actualization wasn't exactly at the top of my to-do list. conformity was the key in middle school, but i didn't want to conform to my peers. i wanted to be just like her.
the inside of her car smelled like a mixture of old cigarettes and the perfume that she wore. that fragrance takes me back to my first memories of her, still. when i was 13 i bought a small bottle of it. i never used it. i kept it tucked away with cards and letters and only pulled it out to smell when i really missed her. i could never be so bold as to consider wearing it myself. my sense of smell has always been my most dominant sense - the quickest to pull me back into memories of years as far back as toddlerhood. more than once, after she moved away, i turned to look for her, so sure that she had just walked past, only to find unfamiliar faces. i would think to myself, how dare someone else wear that scent? but those days are now gone, as is that perfume, and i didn't mean to go on a tangent. me being the afwul writer that i am, i'll leave you with no real conclusion or sense of purpose. this blog is more stream of conciousness, anyway. isn't the inside of my mind exhilerating? lol.