Tuesday, May 31, 2005

what the fuck?!

am i the only blogger alive who is html illiterate? i'm stuck using the templates off blogger's website...how do i learn this shit? i want to make my own template!

Monday, May 30, 2005

L word quotes

the best lines from season one:

• Tina [joking with Bette about a last-name combo, Portard, for their child]: Hey, Poor Tard, how's your two moms, ya big gay-mo?

• Dana: Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian. / Alice: Yeah, like the straight kind.

• Alice: [phone] Shane! Where are you. It's really, really lonely here at The Planet. And your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross. Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye.

• Tim to Marina: What is it you do? You girls? Should I even care? Huh? Does it even count? / Marina: Well, you were there. You saw how much it counts.

• Shane: Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual...you just go with the flow.

• Bette: I am here to see Mrs. Peabody. / Concierge: The code word. / Bette: You need a secret code to see Mrs. Peabody? / Concierge: That is correct. / Bette: Shazzam.

• Alice: Hey you guys, where are Bette and Tina? / Alice: Boring. / Dana: Yeah. So boring. / Shane: I don't know. You know, I've been thinking about it. What's more boring, right? (to Alice) You can make endless lists. (to Dana) You can bawl your head off, and puke over the side of the boat. Or you get to go home. You get to sleep with the same person you've been in love with for 7 years.

tanna's letter

last night i wrote tanna a letter in a journal i keep for her. i'm not really sure why i wanted to post it on here, but i'm going to.

dear tanna,

i'm sitting on my balcony. it's raining here and the cool breeze feels wonderful. it's almost 8 p.m. and the light is dimming. the people in the apartment below me are grilling out and the smoke is wafting its way upwards and being whisked away by the wind in swirls. i'm listening to "in the sun" on my ipod. i think i would lose my mind without my music. it keeps me grounded and helps me gather my thoughts.

i don't know why i'm compelled to tell you this, or if you'll ever even read it, but it's on my mind, so i will. my godmother is a fabulous woman. she captivates me in a way no one else ever has. as an adolescent, i worshipped her and dreamed of being just like her. later when we became closer, she taught me the importance of being my own person. you are wise beyond your years and i believe you already have some grasp of this concept. when you were very young and your mother confided in me that you looked up to me, i was thrilled. i wanted to be for you what beth had been to me. the thought of being so revered floored me, and i wanted to teach you all of the things that she'd taught me. only recently i've discovered that our dynamics are not the same - i admire you. you and your sisters have taught me so much about life and myself. i count myself lucky daily to have you in my life.

when you were younger, your mother was quick to fuss at you, even when cara instigated whatever you were being scolded for. in many conversations i told your mom that i felt you and i were similar as children. i reminded her that just because you didn't burst into tears didn't mean that you weren't hurt. i sometimes felt that you took more punishment and lectures than you truly deserved. you have grown up before my eyes, and it has been a learnng experience for me. you have come into your own and you're not afraid to speak the truth, which is an admirable trait. that will be important as an adult, and it demonstrates in you a wisdom that your peers don't yet possess.

growing up, i always wanted a sister. in fact, when i was 9 years old my mom was pregnant with a child that i was certain was a girl. she had a miscarriage before she was far enough along to find out the gender of the baby. for years i've known that god blessed me with the three of you as sisters, related or not. sometimes blood and genes don't matter. there are times when you were meant to connect with another soul on this earth. the day i met y'all was one of those times. thank you for letting me in your life, and for teaching me what it really means to live.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

damn these nails, but they look good

i had a mani and pedi today. it makes typing a bitch, because i never have nails. ever. beth always had perfectly manicured nails. every day. in fact, the first time i ever stepped into a nail salon was with her. it was the first time we'd ever hung out, you know, outside of a classroom and i don't think we really had a plan...but we ended up at the nail place where she said she needed a "fill-in" (which i, of course, had never heard of). i was utterly fascinated. no women in my life ever had their nails done. it had never occurred to me that this might be a common affair. i thought it was uniquely and exotically her own. and very feminine. i wanted to be that feminine. i looked down at my short, cut-to-the-quick nails and for a moment i wished that i didn't play the piano. i wished with every fiber of my being for hands like hers. i was at the age where self actualization wasn't exactly at the top of my to-do list. conformity was the key in middle school, but i didn't want to conform to my peers. i wanted to be just like her.

the inside of her car smelled like a mixture of old cigarettes and the perfume that she wore. that fragrance takes me back to my first memories of her, still. when i was 13 i bought a small bottle of it. i never used it. i kept it tucked away with cards and letters and only pulled it out to smell when i really missed her. i could never be so bold as to consider wearing it myself. my sense of smell has always been my most dominant sense - the quickest to pull me back into memories of years as far back as toddlerhood. more than once, after she moved away, i turned to look for her, so sure that she had just walked past, only to find unfamiliar faces. i would think to myself, how dare someone else wear that scent? but those days are now gone, as is that perfume, and i didn't mean to go on a tangent. me being the afwul writer that i am, i'll leave you with no real conclusion or sense of purpose. this blog is more stream of conciousness, anyway. isn't the inside of my mind exhilerating? lol.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

L in my heart

i am one who appreciates my solitude. that is not to say that i often have it. i simply relish it when i do get it. except tonight. tonight i am lonely. i just watched the last episode of season 1 of the l word. and i burst into tears when poor, broken tina drew her heartbreak out into a new line for bette on alice's board...you know, the board on which all lines lead back to the epicenter: shane. and one of my all-time favorite songs was narrating this heartache. so why am i lonely? well, because i'm watching people act out a life i want. a life in which your friends know who you really are, and you can let yourself into your friend's apartment at 4 a.m. and know they'll run to the rescue. and i have no one to share this desire with. please don't misunderstand what i'm saying; the friends that i keep close to my heart are fantastic, they're just....not here. and i'm the first person to admit that when i'm running ragged in school, i'm not a friend i'd want to have. is this even making any sense?

i just want something different. what i have, where i am, how i'm having it is not enough. i don't want to hide my identity, or censor what i say to people because i'm scared they might find out the truth. most of all, i don't want to be in this town. there is nothing for me here anymore. i came back for one reason, and one reason only. i knew that reason when i sent in my application to this university. i admitted it to myself by candlelight while scribbling in my journal years ago. i came back for her. i was scared to death that i was setting myself up for disappointment, moving into the same apartment complex as her after 4 years of no contact. but i had to give it another chance. i knew, in the deepest corner of my heart, that i was supposed to be where she was. the first 10 times we saw one another over the first few months, i was scared shitless every second. scared of saying the wrong thing, placing my hand too close to hers, letting eyes linger a little too long...and even in the heart of all this going on in my head, i still didn't know how our relationship would unfold. i never imagined the actual kiss, or all the firsts that followed.

but i'm older now. and i know that love isn't all you need. you MUST have, above all, trust and committment, among other things. when i came here i was just a girl, following my heart blindly. it has been a long time coming, but it's time for me to grow up and follow my head.

my life is full of miracles, and most of them are women

in the midst of all the turmoil i've been harboring in my heart, cal comes through like the hero that she is. without so much as a hint regarding my recent angst about the girls, i woke up this morning to find this email patiently waiting in my inbox:


In a world where the human heart holds such frightening capabilities, we need to protect the guilelessness of children. They are so much more than just the future. They are our conscience. This is what makes you so beautiful. You have nurtured that part of you and children can't help but love you.

Be a strong and child-like nurse.



Friday, May 27, 2005

random facts...

1. My uncle once: ran away with his girlfriend when they were 15; stole her grandmother's car for the trip and got arrested in another state. the day he came home to my grandad was NOT a good day. i stayed outside that day.
2. Never in my life: did i think i'd be an RN
3. When I was five: i was in the car with my father and asked to go by to see my mom at work. he told me we couldn't because she was "tied up" and i took it literally and FLIPPED OUT.
4. High School was: a joke. i would never go back there. ever. for anything.
5. I will never forget: the first time i saw bette midler in concert. it was better than the greatest sex you could imagine. it was phenomenal.
6. I once met: a woman who was going to be my science teacher at open house the summer before 6th grade. i became a beth addict that night. and she's been my godmother ever since.
7. There's this girl I know: who drove her car over the side of a mountain and flipped down the other side until it got lodged in between two trees. and when we went to look at her totaled car, she handed me her camera and screamed "take pictures of me re-enacting my expressions!"
8. Once, at a bar: i was totally hammered and my coworkers were there and a couple of them didn't believe i'd gotten a boob job, so i flashed everyone right then and there. and was infamous at work the next day.
9. By noon I'm usually: creeping up on the 6th hour of my shift and freaking out about the fact that i won't get home for 6 more hours and i have tons of shit to do.
10. Last night: i talked to an old friend until 1 a.m. and watched svu before i went to bed.
11. If I only had: a brain.
12. Next time I go to church: i'll be a bridesmaid in my childhood friend's wedding
13. Terry Schiavo: i can't tackle that right now
14. What worries me most: my future
15. When I turn my head left, I see: a sketch that says "my greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality."
16. When I turn my head right, I see: my calendar.
17. You know I'm lying when: i can't answer that, because i don't have any distinctive lying habits
18. What I miss most about the eighties: jem and the holograms, rainbow brite, being close to my family
19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: i wouldn't be one. their lives are more traumatic than mine!
20. By this time next year: i'll be an RN, living on my own, supporting myself (yikes!)
21. A better name for me would be: shane's bitch
22. I have a hard time understanding: other people's motives
23. If I ever go back to school I'll: be going back to be a nurse anesthetist, practioner, or MD
24. You know I like you if: i write about you
25. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: my parents. i wouldn't be this fucked up without them.
26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: is this one of those questions where you have to choose which one doesn't belong?
27. Take my advice: don't drink 16 j-bombs, a double long island iced tea, two screwdrivers and a vodka sour in less than 2 hours.
28. My ideal breakfast is: my meme's christmas breakfast: sausage, country ham, bacon, grits, eggs, and biscuits.
29. A song I love, but do not have is: i have all the songs i love
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: leaving as quickly as you got there
31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: this is one of those questions again...i don't know.
32. Why won't people: get a clue and read up on the FACTS about our current administration! damn "w" bumper sticker clones!
33. If you spend the night at my house: be prepared to sleep next to the wall. the other side is MY side of the bed!
34. I'd stop my wedding for: hell, just about anything interesting
35. The world could do without: dubbya, his entire administration, war, rape, famine, genocide.
36. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: ever see marsha fucking hagan's face again.
37. My favorite blonde is: lindy, my old babysitter
38. Paper clips are: never around when i need them
39. If I do anything well, it's: being sarcastic
40. And by the way: i have GOT to clean up before my parents get here!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

here we are searching for shells with mema in our favorite place, jekyll island.

my mom and her brother and sisters circa 1968. michael was adopted a few years later.

you can't choose your family

i lived with my grandparents for two years after my parents divorced. i went through first and second grade at a school where my aunt was a teacher. you see, my family owns a vast amount of land in their rural town, and everyone lives beside one another, separated by a single field between each home. starting out on the left is my grandparents' house, then a field, then my great-grandparents' house, a field, my aunt pam's house, and behind all those is my great great grandmother's home which is hidden among the trees behind a place we lovingly call "the big rocks."

my uncle michael was only a teenager when we lived with him, and he had a go cart we'd ride through the pastures after school. that is, until my papa decided to plant pine trees in "our" field - the one between our house and his. i was very frustrated with him for encroaching on our paths. he did, however, plant the rows of trees accordingly around one single path between our two homes. i remember it like it was only yesterday. but it wasn't. my papa died in 1997, a day after my last visit with him. only days ago i stopped by that field which is no longer a field and stared up into the branches of these trees he'd planted and was suprised by the tears that filled my eyes, and by the passion in my heart for this land that symbolizes my family.

my grandmother is very passionate about this land. we speak of it often, and she loves to tell me how she's leaving all of it to us. she also loves to ask everyone what they're going to do with their land - i think secretly she's afraid that my mom or aunt sheila will sell it. they moved away and came to love bigger cities, and i suppose she thinks their ties aren't as strong as pam and lance's. but i know better. as much as any of us (myself included) come to enjoy "city" life, there is an inexplicable peace that comes over all of us when these houses, pastures and woods come into view. i have told several people that because we moved so many times in my childhood, i hate to be asked where i'm from, because i just don't have an answer. but in my heart i know this is where i am from. i come from these people.

my mema, who has never lived more than 8 miles from where she is right now since the day she was born. my dada, who fought in several wars that he won't speak about and supported a wife and 5 children since he was 18. my mama hilda and papa, who married young and built their house, planted their own gardens, orchards, and vineyard. my aunt pam, who is strict (and i thought mean, when i was younger) but secretly has the biggest heart of anyone i know. my aunt sheila, who is the life of the party wherever she goes and has always been drop dead gorgeous. my uncle lance, the bike riding, leather wearing "rebel" who shocks you when you hear his big wood pecker laugh. and my uncle michael, who was the most troubled of them all; the "baby" who loved to terrorize us. and that's only three generations. they all have children of their own now, and their children have children. right now we have 5 generations of living relatives who get together 4 times a year. scattered to the winds? maybe, but not too far away to come home. i am in love with these people. and in awe. because they have taught me everything i know about loving your family and neighbors and not forgetting where you've come from. i am so proud to have all their blood in my veins, i could just burst.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

truth hurts

when i gave you a choice. that's when you should have thought about these things. or even before then. when you were in houston and too busy to talk to me...i told you you could take 15 minutes to talk with me about our relationship or fuck it. you didn't choose those 15 minutes. it's no suprise to me. you've never thought it through. ever. you know that. we have your poor choices to show for it. over a month later is no time to bring it back to me and hope it changes my perception. it doesn't. i've been looking at us from every angle all along. not just when the times get shitty. i've lost you before. i remembered what that felt like, every second of every day, trying to think of a way to have you, keep you in my life forever, when you were totally gone. at the risk of sounding unsympathetic, this is not my problem to deal with anymore. i dealt with it all along. alone. it sucks, doesn't it? but there's nothing left for me to give.

lips and tongues

i am under a lot of stress. and i'm not even in school right now, that's the ironic thing. i've come to realize that i create it myself. the stress, i mean. and i have this habit that's probably not good...well, two actually. i've always picked/bitten my lips. until they bleed. i could never wear lipstick because my skin is perpetually renewing itself in different stages on my lips. actually, that hasn't been so bad lately. i've been giving them a break. but my nervous habit is biting my tongue, also, until it bleeds. i know it sounds insane, but it's almost like the taste of blood in my mouth calms me. it began innocently enough but has progressed. i am getting bolder in my tolerance for the pain and have recently been biting worse. i kept it bleeding for over three hours yesterday. and the dumb thing is, it hurts for days afterwards. like as if i'd both scorched and (accidentally, as most people do) bitten my tongue in the same day. it's such a stupid habit, but i can't stop. so there you have it. weird fact number 937 about me. i've never told anyone i do that. there ya go. have a field day with it.

beach baby

Originally uploaded by camille26.
this is my saving grace in florida several years ago. yes, eating sand, like most babies do. she was a year and a half in this photo. those days were precious.

merci beaucoup

my thanks to jason, who helped me figure out how to get pictures up on the blog. believe it or not, i used to be computer literate. thanks again!


Shamelessly stolen. If you see this on my blog, you have to do this. X means you have done it.

(x) Smoked a joint
( ) Been in a wet t-shirt contest.
(x) Crashed a car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
( ) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
( ) Been fired
( ) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of the house (and in)
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested (not yet)
( ) Made out with a stranger
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
( ) Been to Europe
(x) Skipped school
(x) Seen someone die
( ) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar (i'm good at holding out for the toilet)
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
( ) Eaten Sushi (gross)
(x) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone from the internet in person
(x) Been moshing at a concert
(x) Been in an abusive relationship
(x) Taken painkillers
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) Laid and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
( ) Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
(x) Played dress up
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school
(x) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sun set
( ) Felt an earthquake
(x) Touched a snake
(x) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled (but i hate it)
(x) Been robbed
(x) Been misunderstood
( ) Pet a reindeer/goat
(x) Won a contest
(x) Run a red light
( ) Been suspended from school
(x) Been in a car accident
(x) Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast (who doesn't)
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (i think i would throw up)
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Danced in the moonlight (many times)
(x) Hated the way you look
( ) Witnessed a crime
(x) Pole danced
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) Walked barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
( ) Been to the opposite side of the world
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying.
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins (i'm in college, what did you expect?)
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (haven't we all)
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced naked in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
(x) Gone rollerblading (used to be mine and jamie's obsession)
(x) Had a wish come true
(x) Worn pearls
(x) Jumped off a bridge
( ) Screamed the word penis in public (can't say that i have)
( ) Ate dog/cat food
( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower
(x) Owned a little black dress
(x) Had a dream that you married someone
( ) Glued your hand to something
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) Kissed a fish
(x) Worn the opposite sex's clothes
( ) Been a cheerleader
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) Done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) Stayed up all night
( ) Didn't take a shower for a week (that's timber's area of expertise, not mine)
(x) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree (in my papa's orchard)
(x) Climbed a tree (favorite pasttime as a child)
(x) Had a tree house
( ) Are (NOT) scared to watch scary movies
( ) Believe in ghosts
(x) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes
( ) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) Gone streaking
(x) Played chicken
(x) Been skinny dipping
(x) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone
(x) Been easily amused
( ) Caught a fish then ate it (i would never do that)
( ) Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
(x) Mooned/flashed someone (or everyone)
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
( ) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name.
(x) Slept naked
( ) French braided someone's hair (i don't know how)
( )Grown a beard (i don't think i can do that)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Sunday, May 22, 2005

pippi with a vengeance

reminiscing and making new plans with the miracle of life, herself.

women of my life - i say, with reverence, because i still consider myself a girl

so inquiring minds want to know
where i am
what i've been up to
who knew?

i've been making memories
beneath gazebos
next to lakes
on trampolines
and railroad tracks

having picnics
and pillow fights
building fires
with girls, women,
all of whom are dear to me

memories to have and to hold
to keep locked away in my mind
for years to come

to reminisce about next year
when timber says "god, i'm bored!
we need to do something adventurous!"
we will scroll through the list
of past pursuits checked off

these women (and my girls)
are so close to my heart
they share their time, their stories,
their lives with me

and talk of things like having babies
and what it felt like
and being naked in a creek
and the divinity of that which has become
our bond.

and perhaps most importantly
we can lie in silence
never once feeling pressured
to fill the space

Thursday, May 19, 2005

What I Want, by Annie Thomas Burke

What I want from my very own Government.
From this great land that I dearly love and
would never leave, is simple.

I want a legal marriage certificate with
all that entails.
I want our names printed in lovely script and a seal
saying we are official in the eyes of the government.

I want it legally recognized that I
freely take on the responsibility and honor
of providing for another person that I am
in love with, just as she wants the same with me.

I want to not fear being fired for
loving her. Whether I am a clerk, a teacher
or a factory worker.

I want straight people to stop assuming that all we
do is lay around in bed having sex.
We have been together for a long time. Sex is never
the first thing we think about when we climb into bed.
We are as exhausted as you straight people out there.

I want the honor of clicking that little box on
my tax return that says, "Married, filing Jointly"

I want to be able to walk into a lawyers office
and request help in adopting a child.
Without the state telling me I cant.

I want to foster children without worry that
they will be removed.

I want straight people to stop assuming
that because we are lesbians we never
have men in our lives. Or the lives of our
children. Yes they have male role models.
What kind of parents would we be if we didn't
provide everything they need.

I want to be able to join the military
without fear of being thrown out with a
dishonorable discharge.

I want to be able to be consulted in the
health care options for my dying spouse.
I want them to know that the woman out there
waiting to hear something is me, Her spouse.

I don't want to worry that I will lose my home and
everything we have acquired together should she die.
Whether by law or uncaring family members.

I want to not have to pay an inheritance
tax should my spouse die. Just like you straight folks.

I want all this to be equal to what you now have.
Not more than, just equal. It's all very simple.

Oh, and while I have given you this list to ponder,
add this to it. Stop assuming that the reason we
are gay is related to sexual abuse as a child.
Stop saying that we chose to be gay.
Did you choose to be straight ?

When you can tell me I have all that,
then you can tell me that we have it better
than Christians do.
Until then, shut the hell up.

**this post was recreated from annie thomas-burke's blog. you can visit her at http://annieb43.blogspot.com/ . she is a phenomenal writer. thanks, annie.**

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

 Posted by Hello


there's been some confusion about my girls. i'm 22 years old and childless. grace, tanna and cara are not my daughters. i've been keeping them for 7 years. i'm their babysitter-turned-close-family-friend. a varitable big sister, if you will. but they are the northern lights of my life.

i'm such a softie for little girls, having been surrounded by brothers and male cousins most of my life...if i ever had a child of my own i don't know what i would do if i didn't have a girl. maybe i'll just have to adopt. i just wanted you guys to know that i'm not a mother. i feel like it sometimes, the way i worry about these three. but for now, i am just camille. singular and selfish.

Monday, May 16, 2005

"lesbians are so dramatic" a wise woman once said

my ex-girlfriend reads these entries
windows into my life, i guess
a life that doesn't include her anymore

but watching someone else live
through a mirror like in the SVU office
is stupid
pointless, really

i let my guard down
gave my heart away without question
contradicted my own convictions
for what?
what do i have to show for it?
the yahoo invalid password page?
yes, that is exactly what i have.

i am no one's twin
and least of all yours
leave it to me to find someone
who mistakes love for control
c'est ma vie
but no more.

don't tell me our relationship
was based on love
it was based on lies
from day one

lies to everyone we knew
and lies to me.
deception, deception
and then a little more for good measure

well deceive somebody else
this girl's seen the light.

Sunday, May 15, 2005


it never occurred to me
that i might come across
so many marvelous people
whose own bloggings would
affect me so deeply

i'm shocked
and that sounds so stupid,
but it's true

people whose lives are so
like mine, whose problems are like
reading a page from my own journal
i want to jump up and scream
"i know EXACTLY what you mean!"

and i want to surround myself with these people
these ghosts whose only connection to me is
arial 12 pt. font on a webpage

but so often those things that i cannot
touch are what speaks to my soul

in backwater south ga
i feel so isolated from
people like myself
i burn to talk to ONE person
who understands what i'm saying
and feeling, and craving

and you...
this community of arial ghosts
you are my neighborhood.
no acknowledgment is needed
no contact, even, except these
supportive comments you would
expect to fall from the mouth of
a life-long friend

i am so deeply touched to receive them
from strangers
i have found a family
no, this family has found me

Thursday, May 12, 2005

we all have wings

so there were birds stuck in the vent
baby birds
and i rescued them
made them a nest
and put them in our highest tree

a mama bird (maybe theirs, maybe not)
was feeding them
but not enough
so i'd take them down and give them
bread dipped in water
which they gobbled down anxiously

today i checked on them
and one was dead
i don't know what happened
but it was a sad sight
two furballs lying on top of the
other lifeless poof of feathers

it got to me for a few minutes
thinking that this baby i was trying
to help died.
kind of like andrew.

then i thought
everything i touch dies
or flourishes.
no in between.

like my girls -
they are in full bloom,
radiating life and laughter.
when our life forces mingle
it seems like the whole world is smiling.

my mother told me i didn't need
to attend their dance recitals,
talent shows, and elementary graduations
(all of which are this week)
she said there will be plenty of that
when i have my own children

but they are my own
in a way that none of us
could belong to any other

how do you explain
to a skeptic
that families aren't bound
exclusively by blood
and friendships
can be forged between people
you might never think could
relate to one another

i'm not that person anymore
slaving away to open others' eyes
to truths that seem so obvious
i can't be that martyr

so i'm not going to
explain it to her.
if she can't see it in our
very interactions,
her eyes are useless.

you're not having a good time unless your hair is wild. ever. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

dark curls and glasses

the first night i saw her,
she hid behind her parents
on the deck outside
my house in sky valley.
super nintendo and a
love for musicals
brought us together
in an instant, definitive moment.

best friends come and go
in elementary school
but not you

we practiced scripts
from entire movies
in her basement
standing on sofas
singing at the top of our lungs

i couldn't sing
she didn't care

we took baths together
our 9 year old bodies
unashamed and full
of life and happiness

i sometimes think i should
thank our mothers
for letting us do
everything together

day camp
church choir
sleep overs
basketball games

but then again
i know we would have
found a way even without
their help or permission

lying on the grass
during recess
staring at the sky and
singing songs no 10 yr. old
would know...

talking about futures
it never occurred to us
that we might not always
be together

of all the things i've KNOWN
deep in my heart,
the calm of the infinity of
our friendship has been inside
my soul the longest.

you were so good at pretending
like you didn't need me
when we had those inevitable
5th grade girl fights

i was starkly naked
without you at my side
while you shone and threatened
new, better friendships by
dangling them in my face

but under cover of night
through the phone where
no classmate could see
you would call and read me
long letters of apology and the
need for our best friendship

i, of course, forgave you and
embraced our bond again
in the sunlight of a new morning
sitting indian-style talking
about your "new friends" who
you secretly hated

years down the road
we found ourselves in college

new loves
greek letters
failing classes
gaining and losing weight
we braved it all side by side.

and you heard from someone else
that i was dating a girl
probably not the best news
to receive third party

i was as shocked as you were
yet in our tried and true fashion
we plowed ahead
nothing had changed
i was who i had been since day one
and so were you

and we reminded ourselves
we were grounded through each other
behind that lezzie, behind that alkie
were two little 9 year olds
who had faced every childhood
secret and trauma hand in hand

and i still see her in your face
7 towns, 13 years and 3 colleges later
nothing has changed
i still recite scripts with you
sing with you
dance with you
laugh at silly people with you

i still know that if i fart it's okay
because for SHO, you are going
to let it rip before the night is over

and if i puke all night long
i know you'll hold my hair
unless you're puking in the tub

i know if i want mcdonald's and
you have $1.19 in your checking account
you'll still go with me and pig out

i know if i ever look out into an audience
from a stage, you will be front and center
SCREAMING at the top of your lungs
even if you are my only friend there

i know if i black out, you will find
some huge guy to carry me up three
flights of stairs and put me in my bed

i can call you at any time
even though most of the time you won't answer -ha-
but the important thing is, i know if i need you
i can get you

and in these uncertain times
when my day to day is about as
stable as the san andreas fault
you are there. everyday.
and $1000 says you'll be there
6 months from now helping me
pick out my new place
maybe even moving in with me

thank you.
for years and years of fun
and friendship
thank you.