Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Posted by Hello

All in the Family

1. Rosie-Tosie wanted to get on the boat.
2. In the pond in Linda's backyard.
3. Her backyard is a nature enthusiast's dreamland.
4. That's why she wanted to explore it.
5. The backyard.
6. The pond.
7. The boat.
8. I said yes and we trekked through the mud to the dock.
9. Birkenstocks are expensive.
10. Too expensive to walk through squishy, muddy yards.
11. Mud in Georgia is the color of fire.
12. When I was little I would squish it between my toes and watch the red slime spread over my foot.
13. I have my dad's feet and I hate that.
14. And I hate it when my sister tries to pinch me with her toes.
15. I was only mad for a minute, though.
16. I could replace the Birks.
17. This moment would be gone in a few breaths.
18. Her face was aglow with delight.
19. Her voice was filled with adventure.
20. I used to have that tone.
21. Living with your grandmother in the middle of 150 acres of land, one learns to love nature and all it has to offer.
22. Imagination runs wild.
23. You build huts out of twig frames and pinestraw siding and pray that the wind will subside until dinner time.
24. But now it's Rosie's turn.
25. She picks two flowers and puts them in her pocket.
26. On the boat, I tell her she is the Captain and she repeats, softly, "Taptan uh da boat"
27. Dropping the flowers into the water, she peers over the edge to watch them float away.
28. Children should learn to swim.
29. What are summers without swimming?
30. And drowning is one of the most common causes of death in toddlers.
31. I began swimming lessons at 9 months old.
32. I puked chlorine for 3 weeks.
33. My mom still dunked my fat head under the water.
34. Rosie isn't afraid of the water, she's intrigued by it, and I'm fascinated by her curiosity.
35. The boys are fishing beside us on the dock.
36. I watch in anticipation, wondering what her first sight of a fish will evoke.
37. A fish on a hook, no less.
38. She is tender hearted.
39. She gets that from Mema.
40. We all get that from Mema, and I'm proud that we do.
41. "I got one!"
42. Silence.
43. She steps over and watches, eyes wide, as Matt unhooks and drops the fish back into the water.
44. We go back to the house.
45. But we don't walk through the mud.
46. We drive back on the golfcart, with Rosie on my lap.
47. Rushing in to tell Mema and Mama Pam what she has seen, she can hardly get the words out.
48. I adore my family.
49. We're not perfect, but who is?
50. I come from these people.
51. I see my face in theirs.
52. I feel Mema's compassion in my own heart.
53. I know they see my mother's vanity in me.
54. I try to hide it sometimes.
55. They think I'm wild and eccentric.
56. But I only look that way next to Candace.
57. She has always been my deepest contrast.
58. Her children are loves of my life.
59. I would raise them as my own right now.
60. I hope my own children are this adored.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

sea world or see world?

10,000 pounds of black and whiteness
gliding towards me in true grace
shamu's omniscient eyes looked into mine
with concern and sadness

and although i was terribly thrilled
at the sight of this magnificent creature,
my heart broke for him,
for his captivity

we looked at one another,
through this plastic tank,
and i pressed my cheek against
the coldness of his home
as he rubbed his nose against mine

we studied one another through that
clear, but present barrier
i wondered
does he think that i am the performer
and he, the audience

the invisible wall offering glimpses
of a life he will never have...
much like my own invisible restraint
i can look at and feel and smell and hear
a life that would be unimaginable to experience

but when i reach out to touch it, to grab it
i am met by a cold, clear barrier
i may as well press my face to the glass
and stare at things i will never own

Sunday, March 13, 2005

ink on the blank page

today was a green day for me. i dislike the fact that specific colors have become stereotypical representations of particular emotions. no, i wasn't jealous. today i was overcome with sadness. but i am most certain that it was not a blue day. today i was green. it must be, not cats and dogs. it's pouring hopelessness. the same way fat drops of acidic rain plop and slowly slide down the window, encasing a much larger diameter of the glass' surface with its wetness at the end of its journey...the hopelessness started at the apex of my heart and casually crept south, spreading its jaded candor across my soul.

my life seems to have lost its focus. it's been so long since i felt driven that i can't even remember the last time it was purposeful. what is 'purpose' anyway? something to live for? i don't think that could be terribly stable - placing your life's worth on the shoulders of a noun.

this is the first journal i've kept in years. beth attributes my life's shortcomings to the fact that i haven't been writing. when she accidentally stumbled onto that knowledge, she proclaimed, "what the fuck?! no wonder you're miserable! not writing for you is akin to not taking a shit in three years!" so with spontaneous implosion on my horizon, i decided i better take action. so here we are.

my carnal need to write has never left me. my bookshelves are filled with new journals. i never stopped looking for them. i just stopped filling them. one day i simply found that i didn't know what to say anymore. my inspiration had somehow snuck out of the back door. or maybe it was never there to begin with.

i just want to disappear into the sky.

Friday, March 11, 2005


gay and proud
never heard until today
and out of the mouth of a 4th grader
it struck me by surprise

gap stands for it
so kids won't wear it to school

hearing my mother say those words
so foreign
i wondered
for moments...

searched for expression behind the words
disgusted? tolerant? accepting?
i could find none of those things

so i will go to bed one more night

could i tell her
would she listen
would she still love me

i will always hope so
but the past leads me to believe that
she might not

one day.
one day i will find the courage to say it.
one day i will know.

the sand slipping through my fingers

the sun beating down
on my darkening body,
the sound of the waves
rolling in closer
and then slipping away,
just out of reach...

i think i might sleep for a moment,
but i am too busy listening, loving,
worshipping the heat washing over me.
on this white sand, i am home.

i hear their laughter and wait,
eyes still closed and a small smile
making its way across my face

yes, here they come...
running up the beach, i hear cara
squealing in agony because tanna
can run faster than her...

grace yelling, because she's been
left behind sitting in a hole
dug by her sisters and then filled with water.

tanna falls down beside me,
throwing sand all over my towel,
and dripping cold, salty water on me.

i then squeal in agony at the chills
making their way over my legs
and yell"TANNA! don't drip on me!"

by this time i've been removed from
my placid, dream-like state,
so up i stand, brush off, and walk down
to retrieve my bebe from her sandy prison.

so pitiful, arms reaching for me
and eyes tearing up because they left her.
here come the other two, while i raise her up
to my hip and wipe the sand off her face.

down to the water we march, one on my hip
hanging onto my swimsuit straps, two at my sides,
hanging on to the bottom of my swim suit!
okay, losing the swim suit...

"Hold my HANDS," i shriek,
while grabbing
my bathing suit and yanking it up...

of course, they think this is funny
and i have to admit a small giggle escapes me
as i glance over my shoulder to make sure
no one saw the small portion of skin that was revealed.

into the water we wade, and they cling to me
like gum in my hair, letting out squeals of
excitement and pure terror that they might lose
their grip on my neck, or my arms, or my waist...

and we brave the waves together,
jumping, screaming, splashing and waiting for the
inevitable monster of all waves to clobber us
and send us scampering back to the safety of our
towels, only to talk of trying again after lunch.

Quotable quotes

"I feel there is something unexplored about a woman that only a woman can explore."--- Georgia O'Keeffe

"Women can be close without being sexual, sexual without being passionate, passionate without being erotic, erotic without making a physical claim to the beloved, and they can be all these things together with such subtle sensual passage from laughter to confession to whispered intimacy that no one in the world could say where friendship leaves off and love begins."---by Kim Chernin, writing in Utne Reader

"Jesus was never married, ran around with twelve guys, and was betrayed by a kiss from another guy."---by Rev. Troy Perry

"Jesus preached and talked against a whole gamut of sins.He never mentioned homosexuality at all."---by Jimmy Carter (former US president)

"Just where is the 'homosexual agenda'? And why have people like Pat Robertson and Bob Dole seen it before any of us?"