Thursday, December 29, 2005

god bless blogger

i started this blog in march of last year. back when rosie still had an actual blogger blog, not a personal website. i don't even remember how i came across hers, but reading her thoughts made me want to put things down again. i'd taken a long vacation from writing and when i started this, i had something to say every day. i still have things to's just that i was so busy with the last semester of school that things got piled up. i made mental lists of blog subjects i wanted to address, and they became so numerous that by the time i had a chance to write them, they were obsolete in my daily life.

this blog has been one of the best things i ever began. not only did it allow me a place to say what was really on my mind, but it led me to her. that was the last thing on my mind when i started this site, but it has been the most serendipitous thing to ever happen to me. my girlfriend is the most amazing woman i know. and i'm not just saying that...

she is genuinely kind and respectful, to the point that i am shocked by the continuity of her sincerity. she is intelligent and opinionated and informed about what is happening around her. she is ambitious and goal-oriented, but also beautifully appreciative of the present. she loves people. all people. she is a truly gifted educator, if not solely based on her ability to connect with these kids. cal once told me, "be a strong and child-like nurse. you have nurtured that part of you and children are drawn to it." at the time i didn't fully appreciate what she meant. now that i've seen it in another person, i understand. children, old and young, know that chris "gets" them and that they don't have to censor themselves with her. she is uniquely appreciative of their spirits and those things which make them unique. kids are much more perceptive than they are given credit for, and they know immediately that chris is someone they can trust, who appreciates them for WHO they are, and that is so rare. so rare, in fact, that she is the only person i have ever known to possess this quality. i am so happy that she has chosen this career. she is so naturally suited for it.

my girlfriend is a gifted writer. she dances, stylistically, somewhere between my overly verbose ramblings and ee cummings' conciseness. she is at times so directly poignant that i find myself with nothing remotely adequate to say in response. i hope we can save bound copies of her blog for our children.

my soulmate has a love for music that runs deeply through her core. she appreciates it all, every note, every lyric, every stylistic element. it moves her and sustains her. it means to her everything that it means to me. i am shocked by that. i never thought i would encounter another person who had a need for music as primal as mine. i not only encountered her, i am going to spend my life with her. i want to spend all my moments with her.

the love of my life is hilarious. she makes me laugh from the pit of my stomach, often when i'm least expecting to. the first two months that we began correspondence, my cheeks literally hurt. it took me a few weeks to realize i was smiling more than i ever had. her laugh is the most joyful sound i've ever heard. it is contagious and you can't help but be lit up by it.

my girlfriend is original, thoughtful, totally unpredictable. all at once she is eloquent and silly, woman and child, lover and best friend, expert and novice, strong and open. my life has never been so full of love, laughter and happiness. it all radiates from her. i want to see the world through her eyes, by her side, hand in hand, for the rest of my life. you're all invited to the wedding.


within 5 minutes of meeting one another, my soulmate and my best friend had found common ground.

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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Friday, December 16, 2005

Dear Santa:

I want one of these for Christmas. Please. Not one of THOSE specifically, but one of my own. Merci.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

hell yeah!

you're looking at egleston's newest nurse!

Friday, December 02, 2005

all in the name of good drunken fun

**my friends kick so much ass**

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

the gift

today beth gave me the most incredible gift of music. the first song anyone has ever actually given to me and said "this is you." i am speechless. completely speechless.

She will never be invincible
She will never be some Florence Nightingale
Her threshold`s invisible
But she`ll hang on like hell

She may be transparent
She`s got no defenses to speak of
But she`ll stand here before you
With no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain
That she`ll land on her own two feet
And you`ll think you can break her
`Cause you think that she`s crazy and weak
But her power will defy you when
She wears her heart on her sleeve

She will never learn your tranquillity
She will never learn how to let things slide
Her joy overwhelms her and
Her sorrow won`t subside

She may be transparent
She`s got no defenses to speak of
But she`ll stand here before you
With no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain
That she`ll land on her own two feet
And you`ll think you can break her
`Cause you think that she`s crazy and weak
But her power will defy you when
She wears her heart on her sleeve

Oh you may condemn me with
Your bitter words and untouchable rage
And you may torment me `cause i don`t
Lead my life in your way
But I will stand here before you
With no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain
That I will land on my own two feet
You`ll think you can break me
Bring my head down to my knees
But my power will defy you when
I wear my heart on my sleeve

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

happy legs

more chrisisms

"baby! i have 16 boxes of crackers and one creepy caterpillar. it was fucken serious."

Sunday, November 13, 2005

and so it is

my heart hurts in new ways
new intensities, shapes
and colors

everyone wanting things
from me that i cannot
or won't

which brings to pain
those who are no longer
here who also wanted,
needed things from me
that i could not and
would not provide

suppose i found it possible
to break off small pieces
of myself, and hand them
over freely.
i would.

not enough.
not even for me.

never enough
for anybody

of myself
handed carefully
over, to cause
more anguish
than before.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

almost there

i graduate in one month. exactly. one fucking month. god i hope i can make it to that day, lol. i can. i might have a few nervous breakdowns between now and then, but i'll make it there. things have been ridiculous. my life has been spastic. i'm a big tangled mess of disorganization. and on my days off, what do i do? nothing. actually, that's not true, but i just feel like there's no point in even making an attempt at everything that needs to be done.

my mom's trying to set me up with a guy. and get me to work at a hospital in our hometown. pfft. that's the funniest thing i've heard all week.

my brother is dating our ex roommate, my ex friend. that's just plain gross. and it pisses me off that he didn't tell me himself. whatev.

my best friend is no longer moving to atlanta with me. that leaves me high and dry to find a place on my own pretty soon. a job would be nice. guess i should look for one of those too...i'm one tom collins away from skipping the country. but then i'd need a passport. fuck.

i feel like jordan. maybe i should, something...or something.

Monday, October 31, 2005

from the mouth of my girlfriend cont'd

Fletcher sniffed a candle today and burnt his whiskers. He is our special boy.

hey i ate a plastic bag last night while i was dreaming...

i lick laundry detergent and there's a difference.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


What I heard then was the melody of children at play. Nothing but that. And I knew that the hopelessly poignant thing was not Lolita's absence from my side, but the absence of her voice from that chorus.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


if she gets up, we'll all get'll be ANARCHY!

Friday, October 14, 2005

life is yours to miss

nyc is calling me home. i have so many of those...i am a child of the world, belonging everywhere and nowhere in particular. on a darkened stage in an empty theatre, this is my monologue. things i have to say and share with everyone and no one at all.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Worth a try

A close friend of Camille's is in need of a miracle
Hollie needs a new kidney
Her blood type is 0 positive
she was close to getting a transplant
but it did not work out
she is back at square one
So after much thought we decided to
use this vice to get the word out for her
She is 22, a nursing student
and is in renal failure, creatinine
is 15 (greater than 5 is end stage renal failure)
So spread the word
and if you can help or know of someone
who is a donor and has this blood type
comment to us.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

documentary of a 5 yr old

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her highness.


the male love of my life.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

looking back with wonder

All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us.

pick up line

Chinese guy: What are you, Brazilian? Argentinian? I can't quite place my finger on it.
Indian girl: No, I'm Indian.
Chinese guy: Ooh. You're my little tandoori chicken. Where's your dot?

--KGB Bar, E. 4th Street (overheard in nyc)

where do these dumbasses come from??!

Monday, October 03, 2005


I am invading Camille's blog
with her permission
I missed her today like I do everyday
we had three fire alarms today
u had a test
I took a video of a special boy
and worked in the special class
and I thought of your videos of Grace
and how touched I was that u showed
them to me
Thank u so much
I heart u

Sunday, October 02, 2005

rare forms of truth

we're all self concious,
i'm just the first to admit it

the prettiest people
do the ugliest things

well that's a mighty big word
for such a small man
and i'm not sure i can

remember when i moved in you
the holy dark was moving too
and every breath we drew
was hallelujah

there's only us
there's only this
forget regret
or life is yours to miss
no other road
no other way
no day but today

i don't want to be responsible
for your fractured heart
and its wounded beat

the choices that i made
oh have been nothing but mistakes
what a wasted use of space
should i die before i wake

there comes a time
in everyone's life
when all you can see are
the years passing by
and i have made up my mind
that those days are gone

i hear them saying
you'll never change things
and no matter what you do
it's still the same thing
but it's not the world
that i am changing
i do this so
this world will know
that it will not change me

from a distance

i miss my bruddah. he is so very perceptive. he is always surprising me with the things that come out of his mouth. he is funny, intelligent, and he has the biggest heart of any 13 yr old i know. i'm so proud of you, matt. proud to call you my brother. proud to know you. and proud of the person that you are. you are a wonder.

Friday, September 30, 2005

journal excerpt

--february 17, 2005.

it is the end of day 2, after valentine's day. i looked in the mailbox bleakly, but foolishly still expecting to see his handwriting on some large pink envelope meant for me. of course it wasn't there. why this one should matter is lost on me. i didn't even read the others. 21 years of big pink envelopes encasing cardboard that all said "i love you - daddy." i usually cherish the written word and i, more than most, can appreciate the fact that some things are more easily said on paper...but for some reason these words never struck me as genuine. even when he says them...i don't know why he would lie about it, but somehow they feel so obligatory. i carelessly tossed the others in the caboodle that had become their dungeon, so an observer might wonder why i even care if this year i didn't receive one more $3.99 piece of paper he probably didn't even read. i care because he sent cliff one. maybe that's childish, but it's also incredibly rude to send one of your children something on valentine's day and not the other. especially when they live together. it fucking hurts my feelings.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

and so it is

every tear you cry
every doubt you have
all of these things will pass away

all of your big mistakes
your little old heart would break
i'm wishing that i could take them back

write down the things you don't want
burn them in a glass
write down the things you dream of
make a paper plane that flies to heaven

and buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

that's where i'll be

all of the empty rooms
all of the silent space
every warm embrace is you
nothing is like it was
there's nobody here but us
i have been filled right up with this

write down the words of sadness
burn them in a cup
write down the things you've wanted
throw them to the wind that's soaring up to heaven

and buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

oh buy a ticket for a plane
and come and see me baby
or drive your car all night
by just starlight to canada

that's where i'll be waiting...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Monday, September 26, 2005

if you leave me now

5 days come and gone
in the blink of an eye
thanks rita
u suck but
u gave us more time

coming home today
my life was not the same
i didn't see my world,
these things i see every day,
through the same eyes

who knew fate
could be so real?
pas moi.
but it is.

i am in love
with her.

in love with
this woman.

she told me,
12 days after we first talked,
i caught the vibe you pulse out
i can hear you in canada

3,667 miles apart.
and she is my soul mate.
who could argue
with fate like this?

saying goodbye today
was the hardest thing
i've ever done.
i didn't know it would
hurt this much.

the memories are ours
to treasure and savor
until the next time we connect.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

his name is lax kxeen

the turtle was bigger in real life. we swear.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

no day but today

525,600 moments
how do you measure
a year in the life?

how about love...
how about love...
how about love...

measure in love
seasons of love

525,600 minutes
525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes
how do you measure the life
of a woman or a man

in truths that she learned
or in times that he cried
the bridges he burned
or the way that she died

it's time now
to see now
that the story never ends
let's celebrate
remember the year in the life of friends
how about love...
measure in love
seasons of love

measure your life in love.

Monday, September 19, 2005

my baby

Saturday, September 17, 2005

hanging by a thread

this is turning out to be a wonderful semester. i mean that with all the sarcasm i can possibly convey. i won't even begin to tell you about the amount of stress and pressure i'm under academically and clinically, but it's the most severe it's ever been. and we lost taylor mackenzie lawson. and now hollie's kidney function is 5% and her creatinine is 15. she needs a transplant. now. she needed it 2 years ago. i can't make her sister care. our blood types are not the same. i would give her mine, without a second thought. she needs it. even i am becoming desperate for her. how she is remaining calm, i have no clue. sitting in my kitchen the other night she quietly said "it's my life. why doesn't she understand that she's holding my life in her hands while she's choosing not to take the time to be tested for a possible match?" i have no answers.

and today a close friend had an abortion. although i could never be judgmental, i didn't think i could really understand anyone's motives for a decision like that. but now i do. her decision was a difficult one, as i'm sure it is for everyone, but i agree with her choice. and i would do anything in the world to help her through it. but my friends have problems i am helpless to resolve. they are too big. i am left with an intense desire to change things for them, make it all go away, when all i can really do is be there. just be. and i'm amazed, everyday, that that is enough for them. i'm so touched by the people in my life. no matter how stressed and desperate i feel, i know my world is filled with love, life, and laughter. i owe you the world, my friends. my world.

Friday, September 16, 2005

i'm goin straight to hell

i make her laugh. that makes me smile.