gush

Isn't this the most lovely sight in all the world?

just like a woman

ready to blog again...here, i drifted. i must have ignored that clause in the single mom agreement that said you will never have any time to yourself, EVER again. so here i am. our house is ours - mine and ashley's, and it fills me right up. even the things you often let get under your skin about the everyday grind of motherhood feel good, when i'm at work and reflecting on the last week. last night ashley asked me if i wanted to watch "the facts of life" (a new nightly tradition). then she added, "i like it!" and i yelled "i LOVE it..." to which she looked up at me, grinned and said "gimme a hug. i so proud ah you." it made me smile from ear to ear, then laugh. i have been saying those words to her more frequently. and i forgot how good it feels to hear it. even when they are coming out of your 3 yr old's mouth and you know she doesn't fully understand them. they are still words that make you get tingly. words can be weapons. or they can cushion falls. insulate hearts. boost you back up into the sunlight. we need to be reminded.

the perpetual transition of the last 4 months has been exhausting. i am tired all the time. i am sleeping like a baby, yet i am still tired. i have gone from 151 lbs to 123 lbs with not one OUNCE of effort. not that i'm complaining about that part...it's actually nice, sans the need to buy new clothes. life is just changing. not only for me, for everyone around me. and while i want my daughter to be highly adaptable and embrace changes, i also want to provide stability for her. things she knows she can count on, no matter where we live, or who may be in our lives. traditions, if you will. our traditions. and we are starting them now. the holidays are around the corner, and before you know it, it will be spring and then summer again! i am accepting any and all suggestions for not getting lost in the madness and letting time fly by. i think it will start with a lot of organization on our end....

time

it has been 3 years, 2 months, and 6 days since i've blogged here. all my followers are gone. some tried to keep in touch through other means of social networking and emailing. i went through times in the past 3 years where i didn't want to be found. 4 days ago i decided, with gusto, that it was time for me to return home, in regards to my writing. this was my first toe-dip into the world of blogging, after a long period of not writing. it only seems right to start here, again.

so much has happened. too much, in fact. but on we go.

i am single again. and i do have a sort of giddy happiness about the freedom and possibility before me. i had this in 2005. i'm in love with being in love, and being single means that falling in love again is on my horizon, and it makes me smile. so much to look forward to. however, this time i am a single mom. that three-letter word changes everything, and not much all at once. isn't that strange? i could not be more enamored of my daughter. she is everything i want to be, and only at 3 years of age. carefree and loving life, and full of empathy and concern for others. she is beautiful, courageous, and unabashed about most things.

she has another parent, yes. another mother with whom i attempted to build a family. and i hope this person will remain in my daughter's life and be the parent she (quite literally) signed up to be. but regardless of what this person does or does not do in the end: falling in love again is in my future and my daughter's. i am so hopeful about the possibilities that are new: someone to share our daily life with in joy and peace, someone with whom to create memories and traditions around holidays, and someone to share the hard times with, because my daughter's health is precarious. most will say this is not the time to be on the prowl, and i promise: i'm not. i'm not even actively looking.

but i will say this: after 3 years of not being fulfilled...of never feeling valued, respected, or cherished....my heart leaps at the thought of all the things that are now simply possible because i finally made the decision to demand more for myself and my child. i just can't stand the excitement and anticipation. it could very well be 5 years down the road. or 5 days, for all we know. but the very fact that i am able to be valued and respected, because i finally realized i deserve it: well, it is like a candle flame deep in my soul. flickering, but never going out...getting brighter, in fact, each day that i continue moving forward in the life that i want to lead and provide for my child. i am so at peace and so lighthearted, and god, it feels so good.

break

from blogging.

yeah. what. holla. peace out.

come down to me

music can melt hearts.
mine is an iridescent puddle
with footprints that ripple
inward and disappear.

my mind is no longer
working concretely.
i see strictly in colors
of emotions.

the storm is inside
danger.alarm.get out.
can't get away from myself.

words are worthless.
even if they came
to my aid,
who would hear them?
and if you heard them,
what difference
would it make?

control has forsaken me.
the blues wane inside my chest
while greens ebb.

outside, the incessant drone
of the daily routine
still marches on.
mine and yours.

peace, please find me.
my arms are tired.
my body is too small
to hold so much inside.

everything

find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you

you are the light
that's leading me
to the place where
i find peace again.

you are the strength,
that keeps me walking.
you are the hope,
that keeps me trusting.
you are the light to my soul.
you are my purpose...
you're everything.

how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this?

you calm the storms,
and you give me rest.
you hold me in your hands,
you won't let me fall.
you steal my heart,
and you take my breath away.

would you take me in?
take me deeper now
how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this?

cause you're all I want
all I need
everything
you're everything

P.R.I.D.E.

is it gay in here or is it just me?

tonight i emailed my grandparents (yes, they have dsl and are all over the internet), and told them that i was gay and that i'm moving to canada. i know, i know, email is impersonal blah blah blah, but we don't see one another very often. i haven't told them before now because my parents asked me not to. now with the move approaching, i had to risk it. i'd rather them disapprove of my very soul than be proud of an elaborate lie.

with that little bomb sent out into cyberspace, i am preparing mentally (because i'm at work and that's all i can do) for pride, which begins in less than 24 hours. my kickass friends have come from all over to celebrate all that is bendy while being drunk out of our trees. say it with me, folks: yesssssssss. you straights get 362 days a year to celebrate your straightness. we get this weekend. i am fucking psyched.

side note to amanda: don't be afraid of the lezzies. we won't bite unless you ask us to.

12 days until chris is here. balance. wax on. wax off.

live. love. be.

probably wouldn't if i could

it has been an interesting year. each minute, a lesson. me. searching. i'm still not sure exactly what for. my hair is gone. it felt cumbersome. it had to go, so i could find out what was underneath. hair is security for many women. now i don't have it. forced to be secure with myself. still shaky, i must admit. but a lesson to be learned, all the same.

i have done that for years: forced myself to do things i am afraid of. not all the time. just often enough to make me still feel real. alive. the verdict is in. i'm still here. still me.

can anyone tell me who that is?

we love you, mama hilda

**this is the eulogy that we grandchildren and great-granchildren created while rocking on the front porch of the funeral home the other night, with loosened ties and bare feet. and my aunt pam put all our memories together and read this at the funeral.**


Where Grandmother Is


Heaven probably looks a lot like Midway to Grandmother. She spent her entire life on one dirt road and wouldn’t have had it any other way. She loved this community and every grain of sand and blade of grass that makes it up. Where Grandmother is, however, no chinaberry tree would DARE to drop a chinaberry on the ground, and a magnolia would NEVER shed its leaves. Chinaberries and magnolia leaves were Grandmother’s sworn enemies and she would attack them with vigor. She’s been known to rake the yard for HOURS, due to those chinaberries and magnolia leaves. The next morning, the trees would have again deposited their gifts on the ground, and Grandmother would wage battle again.

Where Grandmother is, there is ALWAYS enough food to feed a crowd. At every gathering, whether it be at her house or the church, the tables would fairly groan under the weight of all the food---and Grandmother could be counted on to say, “I hope we have enough.” She always worried that the appetites would outdo the amount of food, but of course there was always enough and, in fact, too much.

Food was central to Grandmother’s life. If you ask anyone about Grandmother, they will probably comment on her skill in the kitchen. Her memory is inextricably tied to her unparalleled talent. Who could forget Grandmother’s fried chicken, biscuits, fresh vegetables straight from her garden, sweet potato soufflé, tea cakes, coconut cake, 6-layer chocolate cake----the list is fairly endless. The grandchildren will always remember Grandmother scooping ice cream into the blender in order to make her famous homemade milkshakes. Where Grandmother is, she will have plenty of time to putter around in the kitchen. I like to think of her making Granddaddy a meal in heaven. He’s been waiting 8 years for some of her cooking.

Where Grandmother is, there is always ice cream in the freezer. When my siblings and I were small we would get off the school bus, throw our books down, crawl up under the barbed-wire fence, run across the field and burst into Grandmother’s back door. She would greet us with these words: “What ya’ll hunting for---something to eat?” And of course we were. Grandmother always kept Neapolitan ice cream in the freezer for us.

Where Grandmother is, no one will ever throw away a plastic cup or plastic utensil. Every holiday, the extended family would gather for a feast, and we would bring paper products in order to cut down on the dishwashing. After the meal, we would always try to sneak the plastic cups into the trash bag without Grandmother seeing, but she always caught us. “I don’t mind washing these,” she’d say. “No need in throwing away a perfectly good cup”. And so we’d wash them and add to an ever-growing collection that we’ve kept over the years.

Where Grandmother is, a crop of sweet corn will always be bountiful, and her family will always gather around to help pick, shuck, and silk the corn. Of course, Grandmother will be the only one who will cut the corn off the cob. No matter how hard we tried, we could never cut the corn off just right. Grandmother was the expert and we all bowed to her expertise. We knew that we’d have the most wonderful tender sweet corn in the freezer. Grandmother was funny about her corn, though. She’d willingly give away all the peas and butter beans you could ask for, but she was a little less happy to part with the corn. “Let’s save the corn for something special”, she’d tell us. And come Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter, there would be a huge pot of corn on the stove.

Where Grandmother is, children will always behave and never have to be given her famous silent stare that could stop you in your tracks, or be told that “If you act ugly, I’ll crawl up under my bed and not come out.” It’s funny; I know that we all acted ugly at some point, but to my knowledge, Grandmother never did get up under that bed. If you really acted up, you just might be called a word that Grandmother may have made up---“tookey”---as in “Don’t act so tookey.” This was about as bad as you could get. Where Grandmother is, the children will always be called by their own given name the first time, as in “Pam come here”, rather than “Charl- lisa, Sheila----I MEAN PAM” Grandmother was famous for doing the roll call when she called us; she said it was because there was so many of us, but she loved us all. And I know that she did.

Where Grandmother is, Christmas morning will be a lot like it has been all her life---filled with family, excited children, a wonderful feast, a Christmas tree that Granddaddy cut himself, and a lot of love and laughter. Santa would always leave a stocking for the Grandchildren at Grandmother’s house, and Grandmother and Granddaddy would visit us early Christmas mornings to see what gifts we got and just to share in the excitement.

Where Grandmother is, no one will ever throw away a Lincoln Journal, an empty Cool Whip bowl, or a black plastic microwave dish. Everyone will rise early, work hard, and rest after lunch.

Where Grandmother is, she and Granddaddy have been reunited, and what a wonderful reunion it must be. I can just see Grandmother and Aunt Lottie smiling and talking and listening to Granddaddy and Uncle Waymon and Uncle Charlie “making music”.

They just don’t make them like my Grandmother anymore. She left a sterling example of a life well-lived and I am so proud to be her granddaughter.

5:00 news

i know you guys are as tired of hearing the changing information as we are tired of being jerked around emotionally. however, we are back to december for a moving date for yours truly. and damnit, that's when i'm going. 6 months is not a lot of time to prepare for an international move while working, having company for 2 months and taking 3 vacations, but we will do it.

the current dilemma is what to do with my car. when quoted prices from one shipping company, the charges were found to be more than i even owe on the car, so i am disinclined to do that. chris says leave it in the states, we'll come back in the summer and get it. or sell it. but i don't want to start over with a new car payment. she says the roads are too dangerous up north to drive it there in december. anyone got any bright ideas?

wow, moving is going to be interesting, and i don't even have that much stuff! i love my mom so much that i'm going to let her have my dark cherry queen sleigh bed. sniff. so that's all the news for now. i gotta go work hard for the money.